Sunday, August 30


I have had a rough couple of weeks. on the 17 at 4 am i was induced to have my baby, and after 15 hours of labor i had a c-section cause i had only dialated 1 cm. then on the 27 i went to the emergency room with him because we thought he was having seizures. he just got out yesterday, and its been forever since i have found time to be on the computer since i am either sleeping or taking care of him. me and my boyfriend have been taking shifts, and i open my computer to find porn playing on it how convinent to find time for that, but not time to spend withme?

I feel so alone all of a sudden, and even more alone now that i saw porn playing on my computer. Could i feel my relationship going down the drain any quicker? I have been holding back tears for weeks but now i am not so sure i can. I just feel like everything is too much. I love this baby, and i love my boyfriend, and i thought just a couple more weeks then we could send the baby to one of ourr parents for a night (since he'd be old enough to, i dont wanna when he is really young) and we can get our relationship back on track. but now i dont think its that easy. I dont know how to balance my life.

I was gonna right about the baby, how well things are going, how although we have no idea what we are doing that we love the baby and hey thats all that matters, if you love someone you can raise a good child. boy was i wrong.

i hope that no one stops by the apartment today, cause since my boyfriend went to sleep in the back i just want to cry. I thought everything was going so well, but you really cant have it all. I gave up my friends and got closer to my family when i had this baby. i neever get out of the house, barely shower, and never talk to my boyfriend. he goes to work at night, comes home, i go to sleep while he takes care of the baby, then he wakes me up in the morning so he can sleep and i can go take care of the baby. I know we have been distant, but isnt that part of the dela? hell i even stayed in the hospital alone so that he could go home and get some rest. I didnt cry once, i took care of the baby on my own without sleep and without stress(somehow) and i come home to open my computer and find porn playing.

It makes me wonder if he really is ready for this whole daddy thing. Or if im ready for this whole mommy thing. I thought things were getting better, but now i feel like i have been lying to myself this whole time.

Have to go, will type more eventually, baby is crying.

Sunday, August 16

The big day.

Tomorrow is the big day, which begins at 4 am for us. That is the odd time that we have to be at the hospital. Crazy right? I know. Anyhow, i guess now that it is getting so close i am getting really nervous. I mean, the thought that i could go into labor at anytime was easier to accept because you can't plan for it, you don't have any idea when it is going to happen so i could just block the thoughts out of my head. But since i am being induced its like a countdown to when i am going to start being in pain, and that scares me. I guess i have gotten really nervous that something bad will either happen to me or the baby, and i dont think i could live if something happened to the baby. And i guess that now more then ever, i really need to know that there is something more then just this life and just this world before tomorrow morning.

I guess that i took just a little to long to really try and figure out about god, but i guess that is something that will comfort me tomorrow morning in the hospital. I am just so terrified of giving birth, although i can not wait to hold my baby in my arms. I am scared that they will end up doing a ceasection, and if they do then i dont even get to hold my baby right away. Now that is something i definitely can not live with. IT will drive me insane if they do that, because i don't want anyone holding my child before i get to. I will tell them, in fact, that if they decide to do a ceasection that baby is too be kept in secret until i get my time with him, because i want to be the first to hold him and greet him into this world. I want my time with just me and him, with no one else around to just be left alone and to have some time to just hold him and comfort him and bond with him. I want to be the first person that he sees and loves in this world.

I think that after 9 months, i should at least get that, right?

Friday, August 14


Don't you think it would be hard to be in love and be immortal? I mean, think about it, once the person that you fell in love with dies, you must miss them constantly. I mean, just think to miss the one that you are in love with forver. I just think that idea is so sad.

I am being induced on Monday morning, around 3-4am. Joy? I am very excited about having my baby in my arms, but i am terrified about actually giving birth. I mean, knowing it can happen at any time makes it easier cause you don't know when it will happen, but knowing when it is going to happen is just like a countdown to pain. Of course, it is nice to know how much time i have left to get everything ready, not like i reall have much left to do. I mean, its mostly just stuff that doesn't matter that i want to get done before my baby gets here. I am so nervous about having him and taking care of him, but at the same time i am really excited.

My boyfriend has seemed to be very fussy with me lately. I just think the thought of him actually being a dad in a couple of days is scaring him a little, but that doesnt mean he can be an ass to me. I mean, its just like he constantly has something mean to say to me and even on my birthday he pissed me off. Half of the time i can't do shit about what he gets mad over, although i guess he just loves to blame me. [like the situation with his mom, he got mad cause we didnt have money to buy her food, as if i put him in that situation? He needs to learn to quit blaming me when it comes to things that has to do with her, and realize that its his mom doing this and that she is far from being a saint.]

I hope this fussiness is temporary, because i don't know if its permanent if i can live with him forever. I know having a baby changes everything, but does moving in together change it too? Maybe we are just moving too fast, and getting in way over our heads. I mean he still makes me so happy, but when it comes to serious things then we just get to fussing. Even over really dumb things we do. Then hes says his side, i get all mad then ten minutes later hes like "are you still mad over that?" well yeah i am, because he gets his opinion out and then says that he doesnt want to talk about it, so i never even get a word in. Then he will either apologize so i wont stress out the baby, or he will just expect me to get over it. I dont like that we fuss, since the baby can hear us and sense the stress in our voices. I dont know.

Also lately i have gotten this terrible rash all over my body that itches like crazy. The doctor gave me a cream, but it really doesnt help. Before i got the cream i was just putting gold bond on it and every night i would try to sleep i would have to have a fan on whatever itches. Like i would lay on one side and air off the back of my legs, go to sleep for like an hour, then have to roll over (which would be incredibly hard with my tumy being so big and my body being so stiff and my legs hurting from the way i had to lay) to air off my stomach. One night i woke up itching my leg in my sleep, and it started stinging. The fan didnt work, so i went and took a shower. (cold showers are the only other cure to make the itching better) but at first i had to take a warm shower from shivering so much cause of the fan, then i put cold water on it and it still was stinging. I got out and tried to put it under the fan again, but it stung. So i put a soft sheet over it and it stung. It was just anything i did it still stung like crazy. I couldnt do anything but just cry. My boyfriend woke up and i got a big towl and wet it and wrapped up my leg and it got better. then i laid down by him with the towel still on, and he held me to help me settle down. I told him how much it hurt and how i just wanted it to stop, from the itching to the stinging, and he said he knows he hates seeing me uncomfortable and just to try and go to sleep.

That is why i love him, all those little moments when he does exactly what i need someone to do. (: HE held me until i went to sleep.

Lets just hope things get better and stay that way, especially with the whole money thing. We are kind of short right now :( We finally got food in our apt. since my dad took me shopping for like 100$ worth of groceries. It took my mom coming over to see my place and looking into our empty kitchen in order for us to accept there help. [and my boyfriend worries because his mom doesnt have any food. wtf?]

Tuesday, August 11


So i haven't been typing the entries up in my word processor, but instead have been making little notes on subjects that i want to write about, so i guess i better get started (because there is a long list filled with many emotions and questions).

Well first (this isn't on my list? but just really annoys me) off, i am completely tired of my boyfriends mother. She is constantly expecting help from me and my boyfriend, and we really can't help her at all. She got in this wreck and then sued the guy and then quit her job and is expecting the settlement money to help her out, but the settlement is taking forever(as they usually do!)and so until then she expects everyone to just help take care of her. She has three kids with her and is going to quit her job in this economy? Then she asked my boyfriend if we could buy her kids some new shoes for school, or some groceries for her apt. I am sorry that they don't have food, but me and my boyfriend don't have any money to spare anytime soon. Especially since we have a baby on the way and are living off just one income that isn't a lot. And the last time i looked, we are living off of can goods and breakfast food until friday when he gets paid. And i know he gets mad cause he can't help her, but really its not our responsibility. I mean this women has a college degree so why no job? I don't care if you hate what your degree is in, if it came down to it i'm gonna do whatever i have to in order to take care of my family, even my boyfriend does. He HATES his job but would never quit because A) It pays the bills B) its reliable C)who knows when he could ever find another one? She's extrememly immature in my eyes since she has ALWAYS had people helping her out so i guess she just expects her own son too? But really, we aren't rich. In fact, we are doing JUST as bad as her, and the last time i looked we don't have 50,000 coming to us ANYTIME soon. And also, she doesn't even plan on giving us any? And she hasn't even bought her grand baby one thing? Whatever.

Okay, woah, i am so glad i got that off my chest! Next subject: OUR FUTURE. I have been working my butt off on trying to find grants/scholarships for me and my boyfriend. I should have TOPS(program in LA that pays high school students to go to college in LA) but my boyfriend won't so i am especially trying to find some for him, because he really wants to go to barber school and if we can get him in, he would graduate before i would even be close to it. The only problem is i really don't even know were to begin when it comes to finding grants, but i just know that him graduating from school could help us out so so much, plus it would make him so much happier. He loves cooking, but working in a restaurant is killing him because doing what you love for money and not under your own rules would make anyone hate what they love. Am i right?

Another happy subject, my 18 birthday was sunday! My boyfriend BBq'd for my family and my best friend and it was just a really good day! Plus i used my ID to buy my boyfriend a pack of cigarettes. It was funny cause the lady in the gas station (we go to it all the time, well my boyfriend does it was my first time in there) was like those better not be for you! And i told her no they were for my boyfriend. and so today when he walked to the gas station she fussed at him for sending me in to buy them haha! Of course, my boyfriends mom calling and asking for money really ruined the happy mood cause it made me get mad at isaac cause he was like "Why do you always make me the bad guy" and all i could think was maybe if your mom would quit expecting us to take care of her then you wouldnt be. Its not my fault we dont have money? I mean, really, what the fuck does she expect from us? And she makes him feel so guilty! Its ridiculus. Ive really grown to hate her, which sucks cause at first i really liked her. :(

Other then fussing over that, living with my boyfriend has rocked. Its so amazing to be able to walk to the kitchen anytime i want and not have to worry about his old room mates or anything. And its amazing to shower when i want and do whatever i want. Its so nice to have a closet full of clothes instead of a purse, and to have all of our stuff and the babys stuff all settled into one place we can both call home. We have fussed a little, but things have just been stressful getting it all together. At the end of the night, we go to sleep kissing and cuddling. Of course, i hope that the fussing goes away soon now that we have most of our business taken care of, but we will have to see.

Tomorrow is my due date, and my baby boy still has not come! Tomorrow morning i have to go to a car seat inspection station in the morning, and then to the hospital to sign papers to donate my babys cord blood then to the food stamp office. Thursday morning the cable people are supposed to be turning on our cable, and then at 2:30 i have an ultrasound to see how big my baby is then after that we have a doctors appointment to see what all we are going to do about getting my baby boy in this world. I am really excited! And honestly, i don't know how much i can wait...not only am i really excited i am also extremely miserable. My stretch marks have gotten these itchy bumps all over them, and its so bad that i scratch them in my sleep then wake up with a sore belly. Also, the bumps have gone to my arms and all over my legs. Its so uncomfortable, i have to sleep with a fan blowing right on me and even then i toss and turn all night cause i have to put the fan on my belly a little while, then i roll over and face the other way and let it blow on my legs cause i dont want my baby to get really cold (when i roll over i put a comforter on my belly) and cause by then my legs are driving me crazy and this just repeats over and over. Plus the whole time my arms are itching cause the bumps on them are in such a weird place theres no way i could get a fan on them. Then sleeping on my side all night (I cant sleep on my back cause i get to short of breath and cause it makes the back of my legs itch too bad) makes me legs cramp up and get all stiff and hurt like hell.

So, as you can tell, i am just miserable. :( And i want my baby boy! Cause i am constantly worrying that something is wrong with him.

Lastly, you know that one subject in your relationship is just too awkward to talk about? How long should you wait before really sitting down and talking about it? And how to you express your feelings on it without offending the one you love? For me, this awkward subject is my boyfriends mom. Its like, we constantly get in fusses over her but never seem to be able to talk about it. In fact, besides my boyfriend getting made at the cable company (and me thinking he was mad at me), that is the real reason we have been fussing so much. I mean i am sorry, i just have to take care of my own family before i take care of hers. And i mean, i don't owe her shit she hasn't done a thing for us and my parents have done tons! and yet, what do they expect from me? Nothing. Why? Cause thats why we have parents. Parents are made in this world to do as much as you can to help your child and to always expect nothing in return. Yet, his mother acts like we owe her the world? I'm sorry, but if at 18 i can take care of my family and get ready for my child, then what is keeping her from doing it? She can't say a man, cause lord knows she has plenty of men always coming over.

I just feel like i don't know how to talk to my boyfriend about this without making him mad that i'm like offending his mom, but this isn't going to go away and it isn't going to get better. So how am i supposed to make it better? He has to realize that he doesn't have to take care of her, that it isn't his job. That she is a grown woman and it isn't his job to baby her, she needs to learn to grow up. Cause the lord only knows that i have these past 9 months. And if she wasn't ready or prepared to take care of a family and all of her kids, then she should have kept her legs closed, or gotten better birth control.

Friday, August 7

Its weird

I have gone to school for the past 12 years of my life, faked sick to get out of class, skipped homework assignments until the class before the one it was due in, dreaded waking up in the morning, texting during class, and now that i am out of it, i kind of miss it. Well, then again i really only had 11 years of schooling since my senior year was spent doing a full-time job and online schooling. And yet, i can't honestly wait to get into college. Maybe its just because the classes i will be taking will be ones that i am interested in, maybe its because i know the money i will make and the job i will have once i am out of college. Maybe its just because i know college is a lot different then high school. Or maybe, its because i actually miss learning. I feel like my brain is going to no use at all, and it just makes me feel kind of worthless not to have a job or not be going to school.

My days are spent cleaning up an apartment and resting. My nights are spent at my parents (Since my boyfriend doesn't want me at our place alone just yet in case i go into labor) just relaxing. After my boyfriend gets off we cook, watch a movie or play some games, then go to sleep. And it starts all over again. I just want to do something more, whether its working at a job, going to school, or just anything really. I know it will be awhile before i can work, but i know that i can do school at anytime, which makes me incredibly happy. Its like, i have had this giant list of goals/to do's before the baby comes and after he gets here. Now that all of the things are scratched off on the before the baby comes section, i have a whole new list to help me and my boyfriend get our lives together under the after the baby comes section. Some of these things under this are getting my boyfriend and i both back into school. I just feel like we have been doing so much for this baby, that this is something that will help us all out. I love researching things on the internet and just helping make plans. I love making phone calls and organizing things. I am not sure what that really has to do anything? It just makes me feel useful.

I just think its weird, that i spent so many years of my life hating school and now i couldn't wait for it more.

Tuesday, August 4

Up Or Down?

August 2, 2009-Movin on Down.

Me and my boyfriend didn’t get in to our apartment until late last night. We were so tired from working all day, and we still had to unload the second load out of our car. We stayed up till 5 in the morning unpacking everything and getting everything situated. We finally got to sleep and woke up around 1:15 this afternoon. My boyfriend went to get my phone out of my car and came back with a ticket that was on my windshield, for $300. Apparently, the night before we had parked in a handicapped parking space, but we had no idea that we had. First off, there was no sign in front of the parking space. Second off, the blue lines were so faded that, at 2 in the morning you couldn’t see them if you tried. So how fucked up is that?

August 4, 2009-Movin Back Up.

These past few days really have been heaven. Our apartment looks amazing and is so cozy. We both have huge plans for it too, and we both work hard to make sure that everything stays clean and fresh smelling. My boyfriend put together the baby’s swing the other night and it is just precious! We have been doing not much in here but really cuddling, cooking, and watching movies. Last night I woke up about once every hour, either from a weird dream or because I had to pee really bad. But this morning I woke up to breakfast in bed. My boyfriend had cooked eggs and bacon, and made me a bowl or cereal to go with it. We sat there together and just ate in silence, it was so sweet. Then he took the dishes to the kitchen and came back and we cuddled and went back to sleep. We finally woke up again around 3. It is so nice to have our own place. My boyfriend loves to cook, and now he finally he has his own kitchen to cook when and whatever he feels like it. We had a bunch of change and went and cashed it and got 70$ for groceries. Yesterday evening I kind of had a breakdown in the car because we were sort of low on money and I told him I didn’t wanna live paycheck to paycheck and I’m so tired of worrying about money all the time. I even started crying, and he just calmed me down. He told me that he won’t let me and this baby go without, and that we will be fine, that he has a plan and why would he even get our own place if he didn’t? Then he explained what paychecks will go to what and etc. etc. etc. It made me feel so much better, and to say that we are living on a one income job that only makes 10$ an hour I’d like to say that we are very blessed. We will do it, I am convinced now. Of course I knew it before, but it feels nice to be reassured about it. Especially since, lets face it, we can’t really fail since we have a baby to provide for. But its just gonna be a little tight until he gets paid again. Lucky us, all of our bills are paid for august anyhow, so there really isn’t much to worry about. I just got nervous cause we both want him to take off a week but I didn’t know how that would affect the money for Septembers rent.

I have been thinking about life a lot. How so many times in my life I feel like I am watching it happen around me instead of feeling like I am actually in it. So many times I have sat there and had all this stress and drama and I really don’t know how I actually made it through, except that during those times I feel like I am watching a t.v. show instead of the fact that it is my life. I sat back one night and just thought about everything that I have been through, and how fast it all seemed to pass by, and how so many things that I stressed about were so unimportant. How 5 years ago I looked at the world, and how different I think of it now. I almost feel like a hypocrite since some of my opinions have changed, but I guess as we grow we change, and so do our views. Who are we to stick with an immature view of the world just because we are too stubborn to admit the fact that we were wrong and a different idea is right? I mean, we are human, it is in our nature to grow and change as we do.

I have also noticed how little changes that you look forward to actually really affect the people that you love more then you thought it would. For example, me moving out of the house has really changed my parents. Since I am the youngest and my brother is in Houston temporarily, there four bedroom house is just housing them two. They told me last night how lonely it is now that I am gone, and it really seemed to hurt them. Not really hurt them, just made them sad. I thought that moving in with my boyfriend would mean that I could just stay in my apartment while he is at work, but now I feel like I should go see them some nights. And I guess that in the end, I am not this parent-to-be to them, but just there 17 year old daughter that is growing up too fast for them.

Saturday, August 1

Moving on Up.

Me and my boyfriend finally moved into our apartment day. It was a very crazy, tiring, but successful day. We stayed up all night last night just talking to each other about everything cuddling, it was amazing. Then we woke up early this morning and packed his stuff in my car. We went to the bank, got cash out, went to hi neighbor, got a money order for August rent. Then we went to my parents house, went to big lots and got some basic needs. Then we went to the apartment while my parents went to pickup the u-haul and signed all the papers and paid the rent. We went to my parents and packed up my stuff. My boyfriend and dad went to the apartment to unpack while i stayed at the house to watch my little cousin so that my mom could run an errand. When she got back i went and got McDonald's then met my dad and boyfriend at the apartment. They finished unloading everything and then ate, then my dad went to take the u-haul back. THEN i went home while my boyfriend bathed and stuck his work clothes in the dryer (when i was babysitting my cousin, i had put them in the washer.) Then i brought them to him at the apartment, he got dressed, i dropped him off at work and went to my parents. Went to wal-mart with my dad for supper and some cleaning stuff, and now, finally I am sitting down to rest.

Waiting at my apartment is boxes like crazy to unload, along with a lot of cleaning. We also need to go to wal-mart for groceries and a duster (i forgot to get that earlier). And of course, my boyfriend is working his tail off tonight!!! From 5-close. Poor thing, thank god he is off Sunday and Monday!!! And of course my cousin is spending the night which is a hand full.
I got to take a shower today, and thank god! It felt so amazing, i actually took a cold shower because it was so hot and i was sweating all day. And i didn't ever want to get out.

I am now 38 weeks, and i just can't believe it. We are moved into our place and basically settled and now i want him to come!!! :D

As for my entries, they will be scarce but long from now on. Since we just got our apartment, and will soon have a newborn, i don't exactly know when we will be getting cable+Internet. However, i do promise to type entries into Microsoft Word and then when i get a chance to have a little bit of Internet (like at my parents) i will post them all at once. So although i might only post once or twice a week, they will be very thought-filled and thorough.

Just not tonight, because i am physically exhausted, we still have lots to do, and my baby is laying on my hip bone and kicking me in my ribs. (: Its how he shows he loves me.