Saturday, October 31


I feel like im dead on the inside, but for some reason my body keeps going, I havent had my promise ring on in weeks. Until i know for sure that we are going to last, i refuse to wear it. I never feel sexy to him anymore, it seems that there is always another famous chick that he jus always has to talk about. he says there sexy, and then that im sexy. meaning that i am not the sexiest in his eyes like i used to be. He used to never watch porn, he used to never talk about these girls. Its like, you cant put me on the same level as girls you dont fuckin no, those are fantasy girls, i should be higher up on the scale on them. but im not, truthfully idont even feel as high as them. its sad too, cause now i keep changing myself on the outside in hopes that one day ill walk in the room and hell look at me like he used to, like im the sexiest thing around. i want his jaw to drop like i used to make him do. i want him crazy over me like he used to be.

its so irratating too, cause i dont think ill ever get that back. which means ill never feel like im good enough for him. eventually, some guy is gonna make me feel like im the sexiest thing around, then im gonna start liking him, cause ill feel good enough for him. my man better change his ways, bad part is he wont change shit for me, not even shit that pisses me off, yet i change everything for him without him even asking.

ugh, relationships were the people act completely different and think completely different and were raised completely different are difficult.

the worst part? he doesnt even see anything wrong with our relaionship. as bad as our last fight was. makes me think that means i should just leave now. they keep getting worse and worse, and in the last fight he even asked why wont i just leave?

Fuck, i dont knowwhat to do.

Wednesday, October 21

Im not sure

Im not sure that i believe you.
Im not sure that i can keep my head up much longer.
Im not sure how much longer i can stick by your side if we are like this.
Im not sure how i truly feel about you.
Im not sure i really want to stay in this town any longer.
Im not sure i can take being poor much longer.
Im not sure how my body keeps going when on the inside i feel so dead.
Im not sure how to fix us.
Im not sure you even feel the need to fix us.
Im not sure that is okay with me.
Im not sure you believe in me, which hurts, a lot.
Im not sure i even feel safe in our home with all the people always breaking in.
Im not sure when i am going to snap, or at who, but when i do, it isnt going to be pretty.
Im not sure i can take the silence anymore.
Im not sure on how to even leave you, if i decide to that is.
Im not sure i will be able to stay apart from you if you leave.
Im not sure how to make you comprimise with me, or even just listen and understand my side.
Im not sure i am okay with all the white lies.
Im not sure i ever really started trusting you again, of course due to recent events why should i?
Im not sure i will ever be able to trust a man again if we dont work out.
Im not sure you would even care if i left for good.
Im not sure you would even stay without a woman long.
Im not sure how long its gonna take you to notice i took my promise ring off.
Im not sure how you think i can be okay with you putting your mom before me, when she doesnt do shit but break promises, while i break my back and bankin account and everything else for you.
Im not sure your okay with me for once needing you to try and help make me happy.
Im not sure your willing to put the time andeffort in it trying.
Im not sure we ever really smile or laugh unless we are high.
Im not sure how many more cute guys i can turn down because of you.
Im not sure why, but lately a lot of these guys i wanna talk to just to see what they have to offer.
Im not sure where i would go if you left.
Im not sure i can handle this baby and my life at the same time.
Im not sure i believe you when you say the porn just popped up on the computer.
Im not sure we have anything in common anymore, except sex.
Im not sure whether i love you or whether i am IN Love with you.
Im not sure you even know the difference.
Im not sure you realize that you were willing to make sacrafices for your ex-girlfriends that your not willing to make for me.
Im not sure you realize how much that fucking hurts.

Tuesday, October 20

how do you know

when its over? it used to be no matter how much bas news me and my boyriend heard we still made each other happy. He used to only have eyes for me. Now bad news just brings us down and makes our fights (which we never used to have) worse, he always is lookin up porn on my laptop even tho it already infected our computer once and i work at home from my computer and i always see him lookin at or talkin about other women.

Lately we havent been kissin talkin or really even touching. its like we are distant roomates. i have even taken off my promise ring and had it off since friday, not like he'd even notice. it seems like everytime i try to just forget everythin and move forward (and make an effort to) before i get the chance he fuckin does something stupid as hell.

I dont leave because i dnt wanna make a misstake, but lately this so called home that we built seems more and more like a living hell.

Monday, October 19


lately has been bad. Just this weekend me and my boyfriend got in a huge fight, the guy who keeps breaking into our apt. (and has stolen rent money, my camera, and more) tried to break in while my bf lil sister was here so his mama cussed him and me out and wont talk to him(which bothers him more then me not talking to him... oh and the guy who breaks in is our neighbor/matience guy..not that we can prove it but we no!!!) my baby completely hates my boyfriend and no one else, idk why, and things have been so bad that me and my boyfriend have barely even been talking or kissing or anything, and i have truly thought of saving up money and just leaving this place.

the worse part??? I dont even have any money. WE are completely poor and we dont even have food in the house. Thank god for WIC or we wouldnt have formula.

Idk, things were suppsoed to get better, but there only getting worse. . i dont know how much longer i can take this.