anyhow

Everything has gotten so bad, its to the point were if he did want to work it out, i honestly wouldnt be able to tell him everything that i want to work on in our relationship. And its to the point that i am actually scared to talk to him because i know it will just start a fight..


baby again...

you know

people learn to pick and choose there battles. I have learned to choose mine. I have chosn to fight the battle of the things that i want in my life to keep me happy. I realized that no one can make a good living with only a high school degree unless they do something illegal. Since doing what i have to to keep myself in enough money to take care of myself and my baby, life has gotten ten times better. I never thought i would do this. I did it at 12, selling and taking drugs. but i never thought i would start again. but when your back is againest the wall, and you cant get any help, a woman does what she has to to take care of her child.
As for my relationship, i am trying to fight for it,, but it seems like my boyfriend is basically fighting againest me. I really have no fucking idea what to do about that. This is definitely seeming like more and more of a lost cause. Its gotten so bad, that i have actually looked for a roommate and a new place to live and a job. I am hoping that maybe if i leave him, he will finally realize what he had, and then he will be willing to finally work things out.

baby is cring brb

UGH

my nerves are so fucking bad. i really think my relationship is way over, i think we are hanging on for the old times. i keep trying to talk shit out but it only leads to a fight and never any changes which just keeps me irratated. I work my ass off with barely any sleep just tryna get money and run errands and no matter what im still not happy. im never fucking appreciated and with my boyfriend too damn hard headed to see what hes got and not willing to make a compromise since he thinks ill be around even though he treats me like shit, well he is gonna get the fucking shock of his life one of these days.

Tired

I feel like im dead on the inside, but for some reason my body keeps going, I havent had my promise ring on in weeks. Until i know for sure that we are going to last, i refuse to wear it. I never feel sexy to him anymore, it seems that there is always another famous chick that he jus always has to talk about. he says there sexy, and then that im sexy. meaning that i am not the sexiest in his eyes like i used to be. He used to never watch porn, he used to never talk about these girls. Its like, you cant put me on the same level as girls you dont fuckin no, those are fantasy girls, i should be higher up on the scale on them. but im not, truthfully idont even feel as high as them. its sad too, cause now i keep changing myself on the outside in hopes that one day ill walk in the room and hell look at me like he used to, like im the sexiest thing around. i want his jaw to drop like i used to make him do. i want him crazy over me like he used to be.

its so irratating too, cause i dont think ill ever get that back. which means ill never feel like im good enough for him. eventually, some guy is gonna make me feel like im the sexiest thing around, then im gonna start liking him, cause ill feel good enough for him. my man better change his ways, bad part is he wont change shit for me, not even shit that pisses me off, yet i change everything for him without him even asking.


ugh, relationships were the people act completely different and think completely different and were raised completely different are difficult.

the worst part? he doesnt even see anything wrong with our relaionship. as bad as our last fight was. makes me think that means i should just leave now. they keep getting worse and worse, and in the last fight he even asked why wont i just leave?

Fuck, i dont knowwhat to do.

Im not sure

Im not sure that i believe you.
Im not sure that i can keep my head up much longer.
Im not sure how much longer i can stick by your side if we are like this.
Im not sure how i truly feel about you.
Im not sure i really want to stay in this town any longer.
Im not sure i can take being poor much longer.
Im not sure how my body keeps going when on the inside i feel so dead.
Im not sure how to fix us.
Im not sure you even feel the need to fix us.
Im not sure that is okay with me.
Im not sure you believe in me, which hurts, a lot.
Im not sure i even feel safe in our home with all the people always breaking in.
Im not sure when i am going to snap, or at who, but when i do, it isnt going to be pretty.
Im not sure i can take the silence anymore.
Im not sure on how to even leave you, if i decide to that is.
Im not sure i will be able to stay apart from you if you leave.
Im not sure how to make you comprimise with me, or even just listen and understand my side.
Im not sure i am okay with all the white lies.
Im not sure i ever really started trusting you again, of course due to recent events why should i?
Im not sure i will ever be able to trust a man again if we dont work out.
Im not sure you would even care if i left for good.
Im not sure you would even stay without a woman long.
Im not sure how long its gonna take you to notice i took my promise ring off.
Im not sure how you think i can be okay with you putting your mom before me, when she doesnt do shit but break promises, while i break my back and bankin account and everything else for you.
Im not sure your okay with me for once needing you to try and help make me happy.
Im not sure your willing to put the time andeffort in it trying.
Im not sure we ever really smile or laugh unless we are high.
Im not sure how many more cute guys i can turn down because of you.
Im not sure why, but lately a lot of these guys i wanna talk to just to see what they have to offer.
Im not sure where i would go if you left.
Im not sure i can handle this baby and my life at the same time.
Im not sure i believe you when you say the porn just popped up on the computer.
Im not sure we have anything in common anymore, except sex.
Im not sure whether i love you or whether i am IN Love with you.
Im not sure you even know the difference.
Im not sure you realize that you were willing to make sacrafices for your ex-girlfriends that your not willing to make for me.
Im not sure you realize how much that fucking hurts.

how do you know

when its over? it used to be no matter how much bas news me and my boyriend heard we still made each other happy. He used to only have eyes for me. Now bad news just brings us down and makes our fights (which we never used to have) worse, he always is lookin up porn on my laptop even tho it already infected our computer once and i work at home from my computer and i always see him lookin at or talkin about other women.


Lately we havent been kissin talkin or really even touching. its like we are distant roomates. i have even taken off my promise ring and had it off since friday, not like he'd even notice. it seems like everytime i try to just forget everythin and move forward (and make an effort to) before i get the chance he fuckin does something stupid as hell.

I dont leave because i dnt wanna make a misstake, but lately this so called home that we built seems more and more like a living hell.

Update

lately has been bad. Just this weekend me and my boyfriend got in a huge fight, the guy who keeps breaking into our apt. (and has stolen rent money, my camera, and more) tried to break in while my bf lil sister was here so his mama cussed him and me out and wont talk to him(which bothers him more then me not talking to him... oh and the guy who breaks in is our neighbor/matience guy..not that we can prove it but we no!!!) my baby completely hates my boyfriend and no one else, idk why, and things have been so bad that me and my boyfriend have barely even been talking or kissing or anything, and i have truly thought of saving up money and just leaving this place.


the worse part??? I dont even have any money. WE are completely poor and we dont even have food in the house. Thank god for WIC or we wouldnt have formula.


Idk, things were suppsoed to get better, but there only getting worse. . i dont know how much longer i can take this.

October Goalsto the

With my baby blues finally over with, life seems to start to be a little more normal. My little man is almost two months old now, and so slowly me and my boyfriend are both feeling somewhat human again. I had my 6 week checkup yesterday, so as of today i am looking for a job. I am so motivated to do good so that my little boy can have an amazing first christmas that even my boyfriend can tell there is something different about me. Something more positive, more happy, more inspired. Seeing my little boy every night is enough inspiration for me, but i guess that really is the best motivation to do well in life.

A matience guy broke into our apartment and stole 440 we had for rent (thats only part of the rent, but still!) right off our countertop. WE know it was one of them because we woke up one morning with the money gone, the screen door still locked, our patio gate broken (they tried to jump it to check the screen door, but it was locked), my bf PS2 off, and only our top lock on our door locked. My boyfriend NEVER turns his PS2 off, but a light switch can turn it off so obviously they thought that was the light, and i ALWAYS keep both locks locked cause robbers make me nervous.

Luckily we got more rent money, but it still pissed me off. It only happened a couple of days ago, but im going down to the office soon to raise a fuss. I mean i dont have 440 to just spare, idk about you?


But thats okay, im not letting it ruin my mood. Ive been so happy the past couple of days and i refuse to stop now!

Here are my October Goals:
-Finish High School Courses
-Finish Med. Trans. Courses
-Get A Job
-Get Avon, PPL, and Blastoff Community's built up
-Stay In Touch With Friends
-Keep Apartment Cleaned, Food In The House AND Laundry Done
-Make Giant Wishlist For Me, Boyfriend And Little Man(for Christmas and just whenever)
-Get A Crib For Little Man
-Lose Baby Fat
-Get Professional Pictures Taken
-Plan Christening(well i'm not catholic, but the arrival ceremony or whatever you'd call it) for Little Man


and i even have goals planned out for november, december and next year. I will stay motivated and do more in these next few months then i ever have done. Anything to get my family a nice home, and a good life..


see, my boyfriend works his ass off to get bills paid, so now imma work mine off to get us all some luxeries in life! and some money in savings.

Question

i question whether or not two people really can fall and stay in love for there entire life. Of course i guess that all depends on how old you are, so maybe i wonder how long can two people stay in love?

And what happens when one person falls out of love, but they want to still be in love? What makes this happen? Is it one thing, or just a bunch of things over time that just make you eventually give up?

I think thats what i have done. I act happy and keep my mouth shut about everything that bothers me, and i never have stuck up for myself. Now i want to love my boyfriend, but too many little things that have gotten to me and that i have just let go over time are all adding up to be too much.

Like today, he and his friend were supposed to JUST go to his brothers for a minute, he swore that he wouldnt be long. He calls me, they have this girl we are all friends with in the car and there just laughing and joking, and they also had addded a bunch of places they were going. I got so mad, why did no one think that maybe i wanted to come and get out of the house for awhile? Why was i the one who got stuck at home? Why did no one think that this seemed kind of mean to me?

Of course, as usual, i just did nothing. I hung up the phone while they were all talking, and yet ne never called back to say i love you or anything. He didn't even kiss me bye or tell me he loved me. Everytime he is around this friend he changes. And he always makes me the bad guy, like before they left he was like "oh i gotta be home soon you know" and i was thinking what the fuck? I never said shit about you having to come home! :(

I dont know, it makes me wonder what he tells people about me, and how he makes me seem to other people. Does he always make it out to were i am the bad guy?

I am just scared that maybe i wasn't ready for a family. Do i love my boyfriend? Most of the time. Do i love my little boy? With every inch of my soul i do. Do i regret doing this? No. But at the same time, i wish i had waited. I spent all day cleaning and running errands and spoiling my boyfriend for his birthday. I got him a nice present and everything.

What did i get for mine? Not shit. I understand he has bills to pay, but shit i dont even have a job and still i found a way to get him something. Of course, then again, every ounce of my money goes to him.

I am going to apply for a job on sunday, my friend says she can hook me up. If i get it, i am totally lying about how much my paychecks are, and so that way i can sneak part of it out for myself. Put it into savings and just use it for whatever i feel like it, stuff on me or my baby, but NOT my boyfriend.

They left 2 hours ago, and still i have NO IDEA were they are. What pisses me off more is that i gave him my debit card to take some money out for something and now i want to go get something andof course i cant because I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY!

I just wonder how long i can keep my mouth shut before i just leave, and to tell you the truth i KNOW that it isn't going to be a lifetime, that is for sure! The worst part? is that when i do feel that i cant take it any longer, it is going to completely break my heart do leave, but honestly im coming to the point were i dont know what else to do. And truthfully, i dont think he would care if i left.

I wonder

How do you love someone for your entire life? When so many things make you see things in different ways, how do you compromise, especially when both of the people can't even talk to one another? What do you do? You can't leave, since you have to much passion for them, but who really believes that a man and a woman are meant to be? We are made so different, we think so different, we expect different things from one another, so how are we supposed to get along? What do you do when you are sick of nothing changing, but fighting or talking over it changes nothing, and you cant leave because you have so many feelings for them? How do you even know the feelings will last? How are things going to change?

I just pretend the things don't exist, but it seems that even when i tried just venting in a word document that didn't work. It hurts to keep everything inside, but it hurts just as bad knowing that nothing will change. I do so much, and feel like i get nothing in return. I want to leave, but i really cant. i love him so much, and i actually would rather things change then leave, but since i dont see them changing i just dont know what to do. I feel so unappreciated and unloved, and sometimes when my boyfriend is at work and the baby is asleep i just lay there and cry. I feel stuck, like things wont ever change. When we first started dating everything was perfect, but ever since we first started fussing things have only gone downhill. I blamed it on hormones, then pregnancy, then baby blues, but now that its been almost 5 weeks since i have had this baby i feel so hopeless i think there is really nothing to blame it on but us. I keep thinking maybe we just arent meant to be, but we used to be so happy together. And we still are, sometimes. But it seems that things are truly never going to change, and all these things i have just blocked up inside are just about to explode and i dont know what to do. Id just break up with him, but i do love him and iwant us to be happy forever. Plus we have a kid, so i really cant just leave him. Id run away to another town, but that wouldnt fix a thing. I want to talk it out, but we cant because he just makes me feel like a little idiot kid that knows nothing and he makes me feel like im wrong for the way i feel, so nothing changes except that i feel worse. I try to vent it out, but that only helps for awhile, and again when i see nothing is changing then i just feel like i want to run away. I feel so lost as to what to do, and truthfully i have no friends what so ever to talk to. One of the people im closest to is my mom but i cant talk to her about this stuff. I keep thinking if i had money saved i would just leave, take the baby with me and see were we end up. This scares me, because then i dont know if i should get a job, because i would be able to save money.

I want to work things out, but with my boyfriend just getting frustrated with me instead of just listening (like he said he would) i just feel like i shouldnt even bring it up cause i dont want to make him mad. Plus he thinks we are just fine, so he doesnt feel the need to compromise and change things.

I am so sick of feeling like this, and truthfully i dont know how long i can take it.


The long long long letter i wrote to him, that was supposed to be private but he read, which only made things worse, not any better. AND NO, nothing changed from it except we got in a huge fight and i almost left him, and he siad things to me that only made me even more upset and unsure about us:


Dear baby,
Dear Baby, September 4, 2009; 5:30 p.m.
There is a lot of things on my mind right now, so I guess since we don’t really get the chance to talk much, this is the one way I can talk to you about it all.
I know that when you first have a baby, it is a lot of stress on your relationship, so lately I have been trying to just ignore all the crazy things that are on my mind, but im scared that its more then just new baby stress that makes me think about everything.

First off, I don’t know how I am supposed to leave you with a baby and go to work(once I can go back to work) if I don’t even know if you can handle working and then coming home to a screaming baby. You have to be tough, and not let this baby get on your nerves like you do. Unlike your mom says, you have to cuddle with him, you have to attend to him. You cant let a newborn just scream his head off, it pisses off the neighbors (as you can tell) and it pisses you off. Also, it doesn’t teach him anything except that he cant count on us to be there for him when he needs something. If you hold him and he keeps crying, all you can do is stay calm and just keep trying to calm him down. Yes, its annoying as hell, but its all you can do. And eventually, he will calm down. What I don’t understand is yesterday night. I was asleep for three hours, and in this time you happened to piss off yourself, the neighbors, and the baby. So how did you have time to even look up free porn on the computer? Really? I got three hours of sleep, and the rest of my time was spend cleaning, looking up grants for you to get into barber school, and taking care of him. And by taking care of, I don’t just mean feeding, burping him, changing him then putting him back to sleep. I also have to bath him, talk to him, sing to him, play with him, wear him out, then put him to sleep.

I am just getting scared that you are realizing how hard this whole dad thing is, and your getting unsure of it. I feel like everytime we have had him the past few days you are asleep and then off to work, and then when you do get him to yourself somehow you and him always end up pissed off, and then I have to wake up and calm you both down. I mean it will get better, but if you are unsure of it I am not going to make you stay around. I mean it seems like your always willing to get rid of the baby and when he is around you he just frustrates you. I love you so much, but this has been very tough on me, and ive even been a little unsure of it at times, but at the end of the night I don’t have to work my ass off like you do, so its easy for me to deal with. Well, not easy, but I can do it. So I can see how he is always pissing you off, but you cant constantly get pissed at him, its not his fault. Hes a newborn, hes going to scream his head off, especially if you just let him cry. Hes building trust with us right now, so when we just let him cry he learns he cant trust us. (im not calling you a bad dad, don’t you ever think that you are!!! Your little boy really does love you, everyone can see that. They can also see how much you love him. and everyone can also tell how much we love each other… J )

I know I just have a lot of irrational thoughts right now, and I don’t wanna piss you off with this letter, I just want to clear my head.

I know this is a random issue, but I also don’t want your 60$ for a birthday present. I mean, I considered my birthday present this year to also be our 1 yr 6 mo. Present, and I don’t just want money. I want it to be something special that you think of to show that you still appreciate and love me. I mean yeah we have a baby, but doesn’t that mean that we should spend some extra time to show each other some love and romance? I have been having a lot of random emotions going on inside of me since I have had this baby, especially with all the e.r. visits and screaming sleepless nights, and I just want to still know your there. Not just as a man who I live with, but the man that I fell in love with. I still want us to find time to show each other we appreciate each other and have romance, I know those things are not a main issue to you really, but to me they are. I just want to know that im appreciated for everything I do, and I wanna still be held and kissed by you, not just have my boobs grabbed all the time. I feel like since we don’t have much just us time, that the only thing we have time for when we are alone is time to get high and get all sexual, and I don’t want that. I mean this weekend is blakes birthday and Hannah told me she has things planned for him ALL weekend. I want us to do sweet things for each other still.

I know I may be asking for a lot, but there have been some days when I feel so frustrated and alone I just start crying for no reason. And I know that our days are hectic and never slow down, and I also know that they will never get any easier. But that just means that we have to get things in balance now, or they will always be like this.

Love,
Rachel


Dear baby, September 5, 2009; 6:30 a.m.
Well, its official, our relationship is basically over. I gave the baby to my mom for a night because (1) I am completely exhausted and (2) I was originally going to have you read the first letter and then have a talk with you and possibly just have you hold me. I have been dying for someone to just hold me tight, and just cuddle with me and tell me im doing a good job and that they love me. But I went to sleep kind of hoping that you’d just be nosey and read the first letter. You didn’t, you did, however, find time to watch some porn, I would know, I got up to come find you and caught you. Well, I didn’t see it, but I did see you slam the computer shut and look at me like a kid that just got caught with drugs by his parents.

I guess its official, the relationship has not been romantic for awhile, but now its basically over. And once its in the basically over phase, there is no getting it back. I have been doubting us so much, and I just kept saying that it was going to get better and that its just rough these few weeks, but now I truly realize that I feel like your never even really there for me, yet you find plenty of time for porn and shit.

I feel like you just expect me to stay home and raise the baby, and you just say hey to him and play with him when you feel like it. I wouldn’t mind the staying home and just raising him, if I felt you helped more instead of just taking him a couple of hours a day, if that.

You tried to talk to me, but honestly I knew there was no point. You would just tell me I am over reacting and make me feel stupid. But how I feel isnt stupid, and I cant help how I feel. I feel gross even typing on this damn computer, now is definitely an incentive to buy you your own computer. I swear I wanna cry but honestly I cant even cry right now. I think I would feel better if I could, but of course this is the one time that I cant. Your in the back asleep(I think) but I cant even sleep. I sure need to before my mom brings the baby back, but now im just to upset. Im not even mad, just upset.

I took off my ring and put it in the bathroom, im glad that grabbed your attention. I mean hey, its not like I gave it back. If I had given it back, I never would have taken any ring from you again. But by me just putting it in the bathroom, there is a chance I could put it back on at some point.

I could really use some one to just hold me, tell me everything will be okay. You’re the only one that can really do that successfully, but right now you’re the one im upset with, so I don’t even want to be in the same room as you.

I wonder what free porn online is so important that its worth more then spending time with me. I mean, grant it we would have just been sleeping, but we don’t get much time to sleep in the same bed. And now, honestly, I think I might just sleep on the couch/bed thingy we have in front of the t.v.

Im not sure were this puts us, to tell you the truth. I don’t know how I am going to ever really talk to you about this, but honestly, I have too. But then again, when am I good at ever making my point. I don’t even really want to look at you, or tell you I love you before we say goodnight, or ever talk to you again. If we didn’t have this baby and I was feeling this way right now, I would definitely just leave. But, baby’s really make things a lot harder.

Now would I have left for good? I don’t know, probably not, probably just long enough to blow off some steam, but shit I don’t even have a car to drive anywere in. And in just a couple of hours, I have my child back. Which means another long day/night of taking care of him, only now I will be sad the whole day, of course I have to act happy or the baby will not be good, which just makes things harder on me.

Shit the baby might as well have stayed with us last night, its not like I am going to get any sleep now. I think I will just go get my phone and then come in here and sleep. I just really think I can’t sleep next to you right now. Isn’t that terrible? I knew you were watching porn when I got up, saw you were outside and the computer was gone. I was just hoping that I would be proved wrong, and when I saw I wasn’t it was just the last straw.

Why couldn’t you have been nosey and read this instead? Not like it would do anything but piss you off and make you tell me how dumb I am for feeling what I feel and shit. Nothing would change out of it. I do anything to keep you happy, and yet you cant do anything small to make me happy. Of course, you probably think that I am happy. Makes me wonder if you are still truly happy?


And you know, I realized something last night. It slipped out of my mouth, but it is so true. Ever since jesse put this shit in your head about how I never do anything with my money for you, everything I fucking get goes to you to please you. I remember how guilty yall made me feel just for buying my ipod because I didn’t have money to get your cigarettes. Which is dumb, cause the reason you didn’t have money for cigarettes is cause you had bought a bunch of dvds for yourself with your paycheck. So why should your paycheck go to stuff for you, but mine also go to things for you? When you think on it, you really get more shit then me, and in the end all the spare money I get also does go to you. Its quite depressinsg.

But really, knowing that all my money goes to you, and then on top of that I can’t even look you in your face or sleep in the same room as you makes things ten times worse.

Rachel

Dear Baby, September 5, 2009; 1:04 p.m.
I hate us being mad at each other. It seems everytime we fuss it gets worse and worse. I just saw that you took the ring back off the counter. I just took it off last night to show that I was really mad, but you taking it back makes me think that you took that offer off the table. Its incredibly stupid how big this has gotten, but if we don’t fix it soon then I am going to leave for the babys sake. I can’t stay in a home like this and expect to be all happy around a baby, that’s too tough. I will leave all my furniture here for you, and still give you that 200 for the rent, since I am not dirty like other girls can be, but don’t expect this child to be passed back and forth between us, cause that isn’t happening. I really don’t to wanna even talk about us ending it, but that’s the way things look right now. We have never ignored each other this long.

And the thing is, I don’t want us to talk and things not change, cause that just means that I go back to being unhappy and such. I really don’t know what to do, since I really don’t know how to even tell you any of this. I am not good at speaking up, I am good at shutting up. I love you though, so so much. But something has to change in our live, I just really don’t know what that thing is, since it seems that so much is out of balance now. People told me that having a baby is stress on a relationship, but they never told me that it would END our relationship. If I knew this is how the baby thing would work out for us, I would have waited longer to have the baby, either that or I would have not had him. Well, I cant say that, I love this baby so much its incredible. I didn’t even know I could have a love for a child like this. That’s why I hope something will magically change, but it looks like when you took the ring back that you already made up your mind on how you want things to end out.

Last night I was going to sleep in the same bed as you, but you went in the back and shut the bedroom door almost like I wasn’t welcome. Then I even still tried going back there, but you had all the pillows and covers around you and you were knocked out. I got a pillow and a different blanket and tried to lay down next to you, but I just couldn’t go to sleep. So I came to the front on our couch/bed and fell asleep.

I didn’t just fall to sleep, I cried myself to sleep. Right now your actually up, outside on the porch, I don’t really know what your doing. I Told you I was leaving to make some groceries and asked for suggestions, but you really could care less. I don’t even know if we are dating or not, I don’t even know were we stand. Last night you said you don’t even want to be thinking what you are thinking, I asked what it was but you just walked outside. I should have said “then don’t think it” instead of asking what it was, just to be an asshole like you are being to me.

Having a child and living with you makes things so complicated, its not just we break up and its over anymore. But I guess even with us it wouldn’t have been that easy anyhow. Its so hard to not even look someone in the face, I really didn’t think we would both get this mad over something so dumb. But I cant help that it pissed me off, and well it still does piss me off. What was I supposed to do, act like it never happened? I have been known that you’ve been watching porn every night, even the nights when you should have been lying down with me or even worse, taking care of your child. No wonder he sleeps fine for everyone else, then always ends up screaming for you. My mom said he slept two hours last night, would wake up hungry, then go back to sleep again for another two hours. So why is it so easy for us? I know you love this kid, I figured it would come naturally to you with time, but it seems that it only gets harder for you which makes it harder for me to help out with. Again, your not a bad dad, all dads have problems. And trust me, if the worst problem you have is getting him to sleep then you have got it easy. Its cute how he follows you everytime he sees you. Even when I am holding him, he will follow you and do a whole 360 with his head just to look at you, trust me I have seen him do it plenty of times. That little boy has your heart, and to tell you the truth I think you have his.

We got lucky, to bring our little boy in a world were he is so loved, and were we have so much help and support. He has parents who are crazy about him, grand parents who are even crazier about him, friends, family, even my parents and your coworkers. And thank god for all the help from our moms, or we would really be sleep deprived. Of course its weird, no matter how long I get to sleep I am still so tired.

Speaking of which, I miss my baby, were is he? Oh yeah, hes been up since 8 this morning with my mom, and now she is trying to get him to sleep before she comes over to take me shopping.

Are we ever going to talk again? Or are we going to just live in silence? I guess live in silence it is though. Im going to sit outside now.
Rachel


September 5, 2009; 6:05 pm
Really, you think I was e-mailing somebody? I am so tired from cleaning and taking care of this baby and dealing with all this emotional stress with you and our relationship and the baby, you really think I need any more men in my life? Please, you and this baby are more then enough for me to handle.

As if I would ever leave you for another man or ccheat on you. I’m not an idiot, I’m not the one that’s gonna fuck us up so bad that we separate. Men, I swear.

Babys crying, that’s all I can type for now…

It was a fake cry, he just cried once and then stopped. Anyhow, I realized something today, when we first got together all we did was smoke and hang out. We rarely hung out not high and got along. No wonder this pregnancy has been rough. Are we ever going to just hang out and not have to smoke? I mean, I think we get along fine when we don’t smoke, but it seems to be so different when we don’t, I don’t know L

I am just trying to figure out what is going on in my head, and honestly, I cant. Im scared about our relationship, we were supposed to be the couple that was happy and that worked out. But I have changed since I had this baby, and I am not sure if you have really. And I am still growing up and changing, and you are done growing up and changing. What if I change, and it’s a change for the worse and not the better (in terms of us getting along?)

You asked me the other night when I was going to marry you, but until we can learn to talk about things better (well me learn to talk, you learn to ACTUALLY listen and understand me, and then compromise) I don’t really know an answer to that question. And since things have gotten worse and not better between us, I am not really sure there ever will be an answer to this question, as depressing as it is.

I really would be so miserable without you, but in the end if things don’t change I certainly cant just stay unhappy with you. :/ Im not completely unhappy, but just a little, but being a little unhappy on top of all this stress is hard, especially when I cant talk to you about it. I could, but I cant talk and have you actually listen or understand what im talking about. Baby is ACTUALLY waking up this time….

11:30 pm
Candice michelle porn, real nice. You know….maybe this isnt even worth it…that’s what I keep thinking cuz youll never know how I really feel anyhow but you need to….idk about anything anymore.

September 6, 2009
9:25am
Why do u always get more sleep then me? I am completely about to pass out while holding this baby trying to get him to sleep, and your knocked out in the back sleeping. As usual. Im up with the baby, your asleep or not around. :/ and things still arent ok between us in my book.And sorry for making you get me a present instead of just giving me money. Sorry I want something sweet and special from your heart to show that you love and appreciate me. I mean, really, how special is just heres 60$ go get yourself some boots? And I don’t jus want a anything. I want something that you put thought into, maybe even wrapped and got a romantic card to match (with a long note from you inside)
But of course, you just CANT understand why I would want that, so whatever, sorry for making that such a chore for you. Fuck it, I don’t want ANYTHING from you for my birthdays, or ill just make it easier on you, for any occasion, EVER.

September 7, 2009
6:23 p.m.
Your asleep in the back, the baby is with your mom, so I am just left up front thinking. I know I should be in the back with you, sleeping as much as possible, but I feel completely lost without this baby. I guess that is something I have to get over, but I really just love him so much, I think we both might have separation issues. Today is the anniversary of my maw maw’s death, not that it depresses me that much. I mean, she died when I was one, but somehow I have always felt so connected to her, so I guess it does kind of depress me. I know she really is one of the few people that can really relate to my situation right now, so I really wish she was alive for my sake. I mean, grant it my aunt has been in this situation, but she isn’t ever any help. My maw maw loved me so much before she died, and for some reason I miss her. Maybe its just cause I know so much about her and since I never really had a maw maw I just cling to her memory.

I don’t know why I say I am in a situation. By “situation” I mean that she had kids young with my paw paw and they were always struggling with money. Not that we are struggling, but we are still at a point were we have to watch what we spend. Not that I blame you, I mean I know its gonna get better, but yeah haha. You know what I mean.

I feel so lost now, its like the days just slip away and I never have time to get anything done. I have so much to do, and so much I wish I could do, but I guess that’s a part of having a baby. I still feel really alone, I guess that’s why I wish my grandmother was still alive. I can talk to my mom, but she really just doesn’t quite understand like I think my grandmother would. Well, hell, I really don’t even understand me anymore.

September 9, 2009
Im so happy u find time towatch porn when ur alone with my son. Im glad u learned how to delete the shit off the history, but it still pops up on the web browser. Theres only one way to delete it off there, and I deleted all the sites off it last night and imagine that there all there again as of today.

You wonder why im not happy to see u anymore? You take more interest in sex with me and porn then u do your son or me. I ignored a lot of stupid shit u do when it came to fuckin over me, but it never got fixed cause I never spoke up and if I did you weren’t willing to compromise, but im not ignoring shit when it comes to my son.

Slowly, but surely, I am falling out of love with you. Its benn happening for awhile, but really gotten worse recently. Ive tried to ignore it, say its gonna get better, but it doesn’t. I want us to be a happy family and I miss the way I used to feel when I saw you, but if you don’t think of something spectacular to make me re-fall in love with you, and if you don’t learn to listen or make small changes for me, And if you don’t fix/realize this soon(I shouldn’t have to tell you, you should just wanna do it on your own cause I no u can tell something’s wrong), we could end up a broken family.

p.s.- once I leave I’m not coming back

September 13, 2009
Dear baby
I haven’t written In this in awhile. I have all these thoughts scrambled in my head and they are confusing me. I keep telling myself I am happy, but deep down I am sad. I feel like I have so many issues with our relationship, but that we don’t really have time to sit down and talk about them. I feel like I stay cooped up in this apartment everyday and never do anything or talk to my friends and I think that this may be part of the reason I am sad too. I think that I do a lot to keep this house straight and then I go to sleep for a couple of hours and it gets messed up all over again, and that I feel unappreciated because you never acknowledge all that I do. I think that I need to get a job, because you have money to spoil you, and I think I deserve to get spoiled to. I thought that you would be the one to spoil me to show your appreciation because you used to all the time, but nope you don’t anymore. I just want a present, just because you wanted to show that you loved me. I want it wrapped all nice with a sweet card that has a sweet message inside just from you. I want it to be special and have a lot of thought behind it. I want to be taken out to a nice dinner every now and then, I want to be taken to the mall and bought some new nice clothes. I want surprises brought home like flowers or chocolate or shit even just some snacks you know I have been craving. I wanna hear that I am beautiful, not that I am sexy. I want an evening were we stay in and get a babysitter and just talk about everything and anything, eat a nice dinner, watch some movies and cuddle. I want you to hold me that entire night. I don’t wanna be high or drunk that night, I just want it to be us. I wanna talk about everything in my mind, and I want you to want me to talk about it. I want you to do this, I don’t want to have to bring it all up. I want you to want to know what all is going on in my head, and to take the time to listen and fix the things that I think are wrong.

I keep feeling like we are falling apart, and that makes me tear up just typing it. I want things to be fixed, and then this mommy thing would be a lot less stress on me. I think we could deal with this a lot better if so. Or at least I could, you think everything is just fine. I don’t really know how much longer I can do this, I hate feeling this way. I wanna pretend it will all go away and that it is just baby blues but it isnt it is so much more. It is issues that actually have to be dealt with to get better. I don’t know how much longer I can suck it up and act happy. I mean there are moments when I am happy, but all it takes is some small thing or some small thought to bring me down, and once I am down it takes so much energy to do anything, from eating to being happy to talking about it. I don’t feel like doing anything once I am down. I don’t wanna talk about it. I don’t wanna eat. I don’t wanna sit and smile. I don’t wanna hear you apologize, since you don’t ever really know what is wrong. I don’t wanna do anything. I just wanna get lost in my mind thinking about everything, which only makes things worse. It physically drains me to bring myself out of this cloud.

But as usual, this doesn’t matter. I just have to get over it, cause I ever doubt you will fix things or try to talk to me about it all. If things get better, I cant stay here. But I don’t wanna make you listen to me. I don’t wanna make you spoil me. I don’t wanna make you hold me. I don’t wanna make you take me out to a nice dinner. I don’t wanna make you let me go out with my friends. I don’t wanna make you do anything that I think would make things better. I want you to do them, cause me forcing ortelling you to do them or that I want them means I am doing it, and that your not doing it all on your own.

I think it is really fucked up that you get a birthday present and I don’t. I think its more fucked up all this stuff you plan on buying yourself, and yet I don’t get a wish list. And yet, I cant have a job to even buy it for myself. I think its fucked up this paycheck you had money to buy weed and movies you wanted and a new phone for yourself and like 60 dollars in groceries for yourself, and yet this paycheck you didn’t have money to buy your son a crib.

Just like a man, to think about himself before his family. And just like a woman to feel like this, and have to do everything on her own. How fucked up that in the end his crib is coming out of my birthday money.

Nope, if things don’t somehow change, I cant stay. I don’t want to leave, but I’d rather be completely heart broken then sitting here in this house all day just magically hoping for things to get better.













YOU CAN READ THIS ONE J
September 15, 2009
Dear baby,
Well you read my letter to you, not like it was really meant for you to read. You said that you were going to start listening, but I really cant trust that. I really don’t know how I am supposed to learn to talk to you when in the end I am so used to you just beating me down for how I feel. This could be a tough one, since I cant last forever just writing in here and hoping the problems go away.

I do love you though, and as much as I think about it sometimes, I couldn’t ever leave you. Sometimes I just get so frustrated that I just want to give up, but in the end I don’t. I just don’t know what to do anymore when it comes to things that bother me, so I just feel like if we cant fix this then whats the point in staying together? But on your days off, when you don’t have work and its just the three of us for to days, and all three of us are up here and we are playing with him, those are the moments I would kill for all the time. I know you have to work and I know eventually im going to have to get a job, but those days, are the days I look forward to every week. We have a good family together.

And I don’t want us to fail, I want us to work. I just don’t know what to do about anything. But I also want things that bother me to get better, and things that bother you to get better. We shouldn’t have to sacrifice those things just for two good days out of the week.

And I do wanna get married. Hell I could go down to the courthouse downtown tomorrow and marry you. I love spontaneous stuff like that. If you woke me up tomorrow, and told me to get dressed up cause we’re running away to get married, I would. I think it would be so romantic. Just wake me up one day when we have extra money when your off for your two days, and tel me to pack cause the three of us are going to Biloxi and we’re gonna get married at the courthouse there then stay at the beach for the weekend. Just to get away, we could just go there, get married, walk along the beach at sunset for a little while then stay in the hotel just relaxing all weekend, getting away from the world. Turn our phones off for those two days and forget about the world. Then when we get home tell everyone.

Yeah, sure having a wedding all planned is sweet and all, but I wouldn’t mind something spontaneous and crazy either. I mean, later on we could plan a big fancy wedding and just renew our vows. Why not be crazy, why not? We don’t have to go to Biloxi, I just said go there cause its close. We could go anywere you wanted to. Oh maybe Memphis!!! There is so much for free that I would love to do with little man and you, so much I would love to show you guys that you guys would love. Or NYC if we had a lot of extra money.


Lets start doing that, when I get a job, part of my checks are going into savings so one weekend when your off you can just wake me up and tell us that today lets go somewere, and we will pick a city and go there. We can hang a map of the united states up and just pick cities and mark them off as we go there. We will get maps and postcards and pictures at all of them.

See that’s whats really wrong with me. Ever since I was little I have traveld. I cant stand things being the same. I thought having a family meant things have to be, and that is what has scared me. I didn’t think I could handle the same home and same people all the time, and the romance and spontaneous-ness and sweetness and craziness leaving the relationship. But who says it has to? I am so used to moving and traveling that hell I even switched high schools cause baton rouge high was getting boring to me. I have always traveled, I need to to stay normal. And Id love to show you all the places that I have seen. So lets start small, start saving and going to places nearby, then we will get farther out. Or we could close our eyes and pick places. We can look up sights to see all over the country, and just go see it all.

As little man gets older, we can even let him pick the places. And we can get a huge wishlist of places that we want to see, and the sights that we wanna see. And we could take a train there sometimes, and rent a car and drive sometimes (our car is too old to take places out of baton rouge) and maybe fly (I hate flying though)

And in one of those places, we can get married randomly just because we feel like it. Some weekends we can leave him at one of our parents, but most weekends I want to bring him, especially when he gets older to appreciate the places.

Lets do it, one weekend soon, lets go somewere and just get away. We can even just start by going somewere in Louisiana. Hell we could even just go stay at a nice ass hotel here in baton rouge, just to hide somewere for the weekend. We can go to the courthouse downtown and get married, maybe go see a show there playing at the place we went and saw wrestling. J

And with time, we can learn to talk more, and fix all the little kinks in our relationship, but what we all could use is a vacation. And we’d only need a babysitter Sunday and Monday, if we decide to leave him on our trip, cause we only need to stay at those places your off days so that you wont get your schedule messed up.




September 16, 2009
Happy anniversary to me, Christy hemme is on the screen when I open this thing up, so that’s the tna girl. Or maybe u were just lookin at all of them. Or maybe its Kimberly. I swear u and famous chicks. Fuck this, im goin out or the day. Especially since it looks like u didn’t even rread my new entry cuz the page was at the same spot I had it last night. And u wonder why….nevermind,



September 18, 2009
So I understand your obsession with wwe divas, and I see that you will never quit looking and fantasizing about them, but I thought that one day I would be good enough for you too. Now, your adding and checking out random girls that you COULD meet in real life on that wwe site. And your adding them as friends, and for all I know you could be messaging them. I was going to create a wwe profile just cuz, I mean I made my myspace then I made you one, so I thought it could be like that for this site.. BUT I don’t think I am because it seems that you are a little busy on that site looking at pictures of random chicks who for all I know could live here. Whats more fucked up is one of them as named Rachel. Sorry I don’t trust you with this computer, but everytime I check it I find something that makes me think “no wonder I don’t trust him” and you wonder why I cant sleep? I hate being in that room, alone, and just wondering what the hell you are getting into now on this computer. I mean really, random chicks? Your right, I am not ready for marriage because I cant trust you, but you know what you broke our trust and im sorry if I just cant get the hell over it like you can. I HAVE NEVER LIED TO YOU about anything, and you know I really almost left you with the Katherine thing, and now that I didn’t because I love you so much, I cant help but be nosey and wondering what else are you lying to m about?

I try and stay here in this apartment because when we have our good days, they are so good I just want it to be like this forever. Plus we have such a cute family, and I refuse for this kid to have a broken home, but then when I get on here and see the shit you be doing and it just pisses me off. Hell I feel like im slowly losing it over this shit and you just don’t even care cause you keep doing this shit and then if I ever try to talk about it you just fuss at me like im the one that does EVERYTHING wrong! I don’t know what to do to tell you the truth. Things either have to stay good or stay bad, I can have this on and off shit. Its driving me nuts. I am in so much physical pain and im so emotionally stressed that I cant even sleep or eat anymore, I don’t even feel human anymore.