anyhow

Everything has gotten so bad, its to the point were if he did want to work it out, i honestly wouldnt be able to tell him everything that i want to work on in our relationship. And its to the point that i am actually scared to talk to him because i know it will just start a fight..


baby again...

you know

people learn to pick and choose there battles. I have learned to choose mine. I have chosn to fight the battle of the things that i want in my life to keep me happy. I realized that no one can make a good living with only a high school degree unless they do something illegal. Since doing what i have to to keep myself in enough money to take care of myself and my baby, life has gotten ten times better. I never thought i would do this. I did it at 12, selling and taking drugs. but i never thought i would start again. but when your back is againest the wall, and you cant get any help, a woman does what she has to to take care of her child.
As for my relationship, i am trying to fight for it,, but it seems like my boyfriend is basically fighting againest me. I really have no fucking idea what to do about that. This is definitely seeming like more and more of a lost cause. Its gotten so bad, that i have actually looked for a roommate and a new place to live and a job. I am hoping that maybe if i leave him, he will finally realize what he had, and then he will be willing to finally work things out.

baby is cring brb

UGH

my nerves are so fucking bad. i really think my relationship is way over, i think we are hanging on for the old times. i keep trying to talk shit out but it only leads to a fight and never any changes which just keeps me irratated. I work my ass off with barely any sleep just tryna get money and run errands and no matter what im still not happy. im never fucking appreciated and with my boyfriend too damn hard headed to see what hes got and not willing to make a compromise since he thinks ill be around even though he treats me like shit, well he is gonna get the fucking shock of his life one of these days.

Tired

I feel like im dead on the inside, but for some reason my body keeps going, I havent had my promise ring on in weeks. Until i know for sure that we are going to last, i refuse to wear it. I never feel sexy to him anymore, it seems that there is always another famous chick that he jus always has to talk about. he says there sexy, and then that im sexy. meaning that i am not the sexiest in his eyes like i used to be. He used to never watch porn, he used to never talk about these girls. Its like, you cant put me on the same level as girls you dont fuckin no, those are fantasy girls, i should be higher up on the scale on them. but im not, truthfully idont even feel as high as them. its sad too, cause now i keep changing myself on the outside in hopes that one day ill walk in the room and hell look at me like he used to, like im the sexiest thing around. i want his jaw to drop like i used to make him do. i want him crazy over me like he used to be.

its so irratating too, cause i dont think ill ever get that back. which means ill never feel like im good enough for him. eventually, some guy is gonna make me feel like im the sexiest thing around, then im gonna start liking him, cause ill feel good enough for him. my man better change his ways, bad part is he wont change shit for me, not even shit that pisses me off, yet i change everything for him without him even asking.


ugh, relationships were the people act completely different and think completely different and were raised completely different are difficult.

the worst part? he doesnt even see anything wrong with our relaionship. as bad as our last fight was. makes me think that means i should just leave now. they keep getting worse and worse, and in the last fight he even asked why wont i just leave?

Fuck, i dont knowwhat to do.

Im not sure

Im not sure that i believe you.
Im not sure that i can keep my head up much longer.
Im not sure how much longer i can stick by your side if we are like this.
Im not sure how i truly feel about you.
Im not sure i really want to stay in this town any longer.
Im not sure i can take being poor much longer.
Im not sure how my body keeps going when on the inside i feel so dead.
Im not sure how to fix us.
Im not sure you even feel the need to fix us.
Im not sure that is okay with me.
Im not sure you believe in me, which hurts, a lot.
Im not sure i even feel safe in our home with all the people always breaking in.
Im not sure when i am going to snap, or at who, but when i do, it isnt going to be pretty.
Im not sure i can take the silence anymore.
Im not sure on how to even leave you, if i decide to that is.
Im not sure i will be able to stay apart from you if you leave.
Im not sure how to make you comprimise with me, or even just listen and understand my side.
Im not sure i am okay with all the white lies.
Im not sure i ever really started trusting you again, of course due to recent events why should i?
Im not sure i will ever be able to trust a man again if we dont work out.
Im not sure you would even care if i left for good.
Im not sure you would even stay without a woman long.
Im not sure how long its gonna take you to notice i took my promise ring off.
Im not sure how you think i can be okay with you putting your mom before me, when she doesnt do shit but break promises, while i break my back and bankin account and everything else for you.
Im not sure your okay with me for once needing you to try and help make me happy.
Im not sure your willing to put the time andeffort in it trying.
Im not sure we ever really smile or laugh unless we are high.
Im not sure how many more cute guys i can turn down because of you.
Im not sure why, but lately a lot of these guys i wanna talk to just to see what they have to offer.
Im not sure where i would go if you left.
Im not sure i can handle this baby and my life at the same time.
Im not sure i believe you when you say the porn just popped up on the computer.
Im not sure we have anything in common anymore, except sex.
Im not sure whether i love you or whether i am IN Love with you.
Im not sure you even know the difference.
Im not sure you realize that you were willing to make sacrafices for your ex-girlfriends that your not willing to make for me.
Im not sure you realize how much that fucking hurts.

how do you know

when its over? it used to be no matter how much bas news me and my boyriend heard we still made each other happy. He used to only have eyes for me. Now bad news just brings us down and makes our fights (which we never used to have) worse, he always is lookin up porn on my laptop even tho it already infected our computer once and i work at home from my computer and i always see him lookin at or talkin about other women.


Lately we havent been kissin talkin or really even touching. its like we are distant roomates. i have even taken off my promise ring and had it off since friday, not like he'd even notice. it seems like everytime i try to just forget everythin and move forward (and make an effort to) before i get the chance he fuckin does something stupid as hell.

I dont leave because i dnt wanna make a misstake, but lately this so called home that we built seems more and more like a living hell.

Update

lately has been bad. Just this weekend me and my boyfriend got in a huge fight, the guy who keeps breaking into our apt. (and has stolen rent money, my camera, and more) tried to break in while my bf lil sister was here so his mama cussed him and me out and wont talk to him(which bothers him more then me not talking to him... oh and the guy who breaks in is our neighbor/matience guy..not that we can prove it but we no!!!) my baby completely hates my boyfriend and no one else, idk why, and things have been so bad that me and my boyfriend have barely even been talking or kissing or anything, and i have truly thought of saving up money and just leaving this place.


the worse part??? I dont even have any money. WE are completely poor and we dont even have food in the house. Thank god for WIC or we wouldnt have formula.


Idk, things were suppsoed to get better, but there only getting worse. . i dont know how much longer i can take this.

October Goalsto the

With my baby blues finally over with, life seems to start to be a little more normal. My little man is almost two months old now, and so slowly me and my boyfriend are both feeling somewhat human again. I had my 6 week checkup yesterday, so as of today i am looking for a job. I am so motivated to do good so that my little boy can have an amazing first christmas that even my boyfriend can tell there is something different about me. Something more positive, more happy, more inspired. Seeing my little boy every night is enough inspiration for me, but i guess that really is the best motivation to do well in life.

A matience guy broke into our apartment and stole 440 we had for rent (thats only part of the rent, but still!) right off our countertop. WE know it was one of them because we woke up one morning with the money gone, the screen door still locked, our patio gate broken (they tried to jump it to check the screen door, but it was locked), my bf PS2 off, and only our top lock on our door locked. My boyfriend NEVER turns his PS2 off, but a light switch can turn it off so obviously they thought that was the light, and i ALWAYS keep both locks locked cause robbers make me nervous.

Luckily we got more rent money, but it still pissed me off. It only happened a couple of days ago, but im going down to the office soon to raise a fuss. I mean i dont have 440 to just spare, idk about you?


But thats okay, im not letting it ruin my mood. Ive been so happy the past couple of days and i refuse to stop now!

Here are my October Goals:
-Finish High School Courses
-Finish Med. Trans. Courses
-Get A Job
-Get Avon, PPL, and Blastoff Community's built up
-Stay In Touch With Friends
-Keep Apartment Cleaned, Food In The House AND Laundry Done
-Make Giant Wishlist For Me, Boyfriend And Little Man(for Christmas and just whenever)
-Get A Crib For Little Man
-Lose Baby Fat
-Get Professional Pictures Taken
-Plan Christening(well i'm not catholic, but the arrival ceremony or whatever you'd call it) for Little Man


and i even have goals planned out for november, december and next year. I will stay motivated and do more in these next few months then i ever have done. Anything to get my family a nice home, and a good life..


see, my boyfriend works his ass off to get bills paid, so now imma work mine off to get us all some luxeries in life! and some money in savings.

Question

i question whether or not two people really can fall and stay in love for there entire life. Of course i guess that all depends on how old you are, so maybe i wonder how long can two people stay in love?

And what happens when one person falls out of love, but they want to still be in love? What makes this happen? Is it one thing, or just a bunch of things over time that just make you eventually give up?

I think thats what i have done. I act happy and keep my mouth shut about everything that bothers me, and i never have stuck up for myself. Now i want to love my boyfriend, but too many little things that have gotten to me and that i have just let go over time are all adding up to be too much.

Like today, he and his friend were supposed to JUST go to his brothers for a minute, he swore that he wouldnt be long. He calls me, they have this girl we are all friends with in the car and there just laughing and joking, and they also had addded a bunch of places they were going. I got so mad, why did no one think that maybe i wanted to come and get out of the house for awhile? Why was i the one who got stuck at home? Why did no one think that this seemed kind of mean to me?

Of course, as usual, i just did nothing. I hung up the phone while they were all talking, and yet ne never called back to say i love you or anything. He didn't even kiss me bye or tell me he loved me. Everytime he is around this friend he changes. And he always makes me the bad guy, like before they left he was like "oh i gotta be home soon you know" and i was thinking what the fuck? I never said shit about you having to come home! :(

I dont know, it makes me wonder what he tells people about me, and how he makes me seem to other people. Does he always make it out to were i am the bad guy?

I am just scared that maybe i wasn't ready for a family. Do i love my boyfriend? Most of the time. Do i love my little boy? With every inch of my soul i do. Do i regret doing this? No. But at the same time, i wish i had waited. I spent all day cleaning and running errands and spoiling my boyfriend for his birthday. I got him a nice present and everything.

What did i get for mine? Not shit. I understand he has bills to pay, but shit i dont even have a job and still i found a way to get him something. Of course, then again, every ounce of my money goes to him.

I am going to apply for a job on sunday, my friend says she can hook me up. If i get it, i am totally lying about how much my paychecks are, and so that way i can sneak part of it out for myself. Put it into savings and just use it for whatever i feel like it, stuff on me or my baby, but NOT my boyfriend.

They left 2 hours ago, and still i have NO IDEA were they are. What pisses me off more is that i gave him my debit card to take some money out for something and now i want to go get something andof course i cant because I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY!

I just wonder how long i can keep my mouth shut before i just leave, and to tell you the truth i KNOW that it isn't going to be a lifetime, that is for sure! The worst part? is that when i do feel that i cant take it any longer, it is going to completely break my heart do leave, but honestly im coming to the point were i dont know what else to do. And truthfully, i dont think he would care if i left.

I wonder

How do you love someone for your entire life? When so many things make you see things in different ways, how do you compromise, especially when both of the people can't even talk to one another? What do you do? You can't leave, since you have to much passion for them, but who really believes that a man and a woman are meant to be? We are made so different, we think so different, we expect different things from one another, so how are we supposed to get along? What do you do when you are sick of nothing changing, but fighting or talking over it changes nothing, and you cant leave because you have so many feelings for them? How do you even know the feelings will last? How are things going to change?

I just pretend the things don't exist, but it seems that even when i tried just venting in a word document that didn't work. It hurts to keep everything inside, but it hurts just as bad knowing that nothing will change. I do so much, and feel like i get nothing in return. I want to leave, but i really cant. i love him so much, and i actually would rather things change then leave, but since i dont see them changing i just dont know what to do. I feel so unappreciated and unloved, and sometimes when my boyfriend is at work and the baby is asleep i just lay there and cry. I feel stuck, like things wont ever change. When we first started dating everything was perfect, but ever since we first started fussing things have only gone downhill. I blamed it on hormones, then pregnancy, then baby blues, but now that its been almost 5 weeks since i have had this baby i feel so hopeless i think there is really nothing to blame it on but us. I keep thinking maybe we just arent meant to be, but we used to be so happy together. And we still are, sometimes. But it seems that things are truly never going to change, and all these things i have just blocked up inside are just about to explode and i dont know what to do. Id just break up with him, but i do love him and iwant us to be happy forever. Plus we have a kid, so i really cant just leave him. Id run away to another town, but that wouldnt fix a thing. I want to talk it out, but we cant because he just makes me feel like a little idiot kid that knows nothing and he makes me feel like im wrong for the way i feel, so nothing changes except that i feel worse. I try to vent it out, but that only helps for awhile, and again when i see nothing is changing then i just feel like i want to run away. I feel so lost as to what to do, and truthfully i have no friends what so ever to talk to. One of the people im closest to is my mom but i cant talk to her about this stuff. I keep thinking if i had money saved i would just leave, take the baby with me and see were we end up. This scares me, because then i dont know if i should get a job, because i would be able to save money.

I want to work things out, but with my boyfriend just getting frustrated with me instead of just listening (like he said he would) i just feel like i shouldnt even bring it up cause i dont want to make him mad. Plus he thinks we are just fine, so he doesnt feel the need to compromise and change things.

I am so sick of feeling like this, and truthfully i dont know how long i can take it.


The long long long letter i wrote to him, that was supposed to be private but he read, which only made things worse, not any better. AND NO, nothing changed from it except we got in a huge fight and i almost left him, and he siad things to me that only made me even more upset and unsure about us:


Dear baby,
Dear Baby, September 4, 2009; 5:30 p.m.
There is a lot of things on my mind right now, so I guess since we don’t really get the chance to talk much, this is the one way I can talk to you about it all.
I know that when you first have a baby, it is a lot of stress on your relationship, so lately I have been trying to just ignore all the crazy things that are on my mind, but im scared that its more then just new baby stress that makes me think about everything.

First off, I don’t know how I am supposed to leave you with a baby and go to work(once I can go back to work) if I don’t even know if you can handle working and then coming home to a screaming baby. You have to be tough, and not let this baby get on your nerves like you do. Unlike your mom says, you have to cuddle with him, you have to attend to him. You cant let a newborn just scream his head off, it pisses off the neighbors (as you can tell) and it pisses you off. Also, it doesn’t teach him anything except that he cant count on us to be there for him when he needs something. If you hold him and he keeps crying, all you can do is stay calm and just keep trying to calm him down. Yes, its annoying as hell, but its all you can do. And eventually, he will calm down. What I don’t understand is yesterday night. I was asleep for three hours, and in this time you happened to piss off yourself, the neighbors, and the baby. So how did you have time to even look up free porn on the computer? Really? I got three hours of sleep, and the rest of my time was spend cleaning, looking up grants for you to get into barber school, and taking care of him. And by taking care of, I don’t just mean feeding, burping him, changing him then putting him back to sleep. I also have to bath him, talk to him, sing to him, play with him, wear him out, then put him to sleep.

I am just getting scared that you are realizing how hard this whole dad thing is, and your getting unsure of it. I feel like everytime we have had him the past few days you are asleep and then off to work, and then when you do get him to yourself somehow you and him always end up pissed off, and then I have to wake up and calm you both down. I mean it will get better, but if you are unsure of it I am not going to make you stay around. I mean it seems like your always willing to get rid of the baby and when he is around you he just frustrates you. I love you so much, but this has been very tough on me, and ive even been a little unsure of it at times, but at the end of the night I don’t have to work my ass off like you do, so its easy for me to deal with. Well, not easy, but I can do it. So I can see how he is always pissing you off, but you cant constantly get pissed at him, its not his fault. Hes a newborn, hes going to scream his head off, especially if you just let him cry. Hes building trust with us right now, so when we just let him cry he learns he cant trust us. (im not calling you a bad dad, don’t you ever think that you are!!! Your little boy really does love you, everyone can see that. They can also see how much you love him. and everyone can also tell how much we love each other… J )

I know I just have a lot of irrational thoughts right now, and I don’t wanna piss you off with this letter, I just want to clear my head.

I know this is a random issue, but I also don’t want your 60$ for a birthday present. I mean, I considered my birthday present this year to also be our 1 yr 6 mo. Present, and I don’t just want money. I want it to be something special that you think of to show that you still appreciate and love me. I mean yeah we have a baby, but doesn’t that mean that we should spend some extra time to show each other some love and romance? I have been having a lot of random emotions going on inside of me since I have had this baby, especially with all the e.r. visits and screaming sleepless nights, and I just want to still know your there. Not just as a man who I live with, but the man that I fell in love with. I still want us to find time to show each other we appreciate each other and have romance, I know those things are not a main issue to you really, but to me they are. I just want to know that im appreciated for everything I do, and I wanna still be held and kissed by you, not just have my boobs grabbed all the time. I feel like since we don’t have much just us time, that the only thing we have time for when we are alone is time to get high and get all sexual, and I don’t want that. I mean this weekend is blakes birthday and Hannah told me she has things planned for him ALL weekend. I want us to do sweet things for each other still.

I know I may be asking for a lot, but there have been some days when I feel so frustrated and alone I just start crying for no reason. And I know that our days are hectic and never slow down, and I also know that they will never get any easier. But that just means that we have to get things in balance now, or they will always be like this.

Love,
Rachel


Dear baby, September 5, 2009; 6:30 a.m.
Well, its official, our relationship is basically over. I gave the baby to my mom for a night because (1) I am completely exhausted and (2) I was originally going to have you read the first letter and then have a talk with you and possibly just have you hold me. I have been dying for someone to just hold me tight, and just cuddle with me and tell me im doing a good job and that they love me. But I went to sleep kind of hoping that you’d just be nosey and read the first letter. You didn’t, you did, however, find time to watch some porn, I would know, I got up to come find you and caught you. Well, I didn’t see it, but I did see you slam the computer shut and look at me like a kid that just got caught with drugs by his parents.

I guess its official, the relationship has not been romantic for awhile, but now its basically over. And once its in the basically over phase, there is no getting it back. I have been doubting us so much, and I just kept saying that it was going to get better and that its just rough these few weeks, but now I truly realize that I feel like your never even really there for me, yet you find plenty of time for porn and shit.

I feel like you just expect me to stay home and raise the baby, and you just say hey to him and play with him when you feel like it. I wouldn’t mind the staying home and just raising him, if I felt you helped more instead of just taking him a couple of hours a day, if that.

You tried to talk to me, but honestly I knew there was no point. You would just tell me I am over reacting and make me feel stupid. But how I feel isnt stupid, and I cant help how I feel. I feel gross even typing on this damn computer, now is definitely an incentive to buy you your own computer. I swear I wanna cry but honestly I cant even cry right now. I think I would feel better if I could, but of course this is the one time that I cant. Your in the back asleep(I think) but I cant even sleep. I sure need to before my mom brings the baby back, but now im just to upset. Im not even mad, just upset.

I took off my ring and put it in the bathroom, im glad that grabbed your attention. I mean hey, its not like I gave it back. If I had given it back, I never would have taken any ring from you again. But by me just putting it in the bathroom, there is a chance I could put it back on at some point.

I could really use some one to just hold me, tell me everything will be okay. You’re the only one that can really do that successfully, but right now you’re the one im upset with, so I don’t even want to be in the same room as you.

I wonder what free porn online is so important that its worth more then spending time with me. I mean, grant it we would have just been sleeping, but we don’t get much time to sleep in the same bed. And now, honestly, I think I might just sleep on the couch/bed thingy we have in front of the t.v.

Im not sure were this puts us, to tell you the truth. I don’t know how I am going to ever really talk to you about this, but honestly, I have too. But then again, when am I good at ever making my point. I don’t even really want to look at you, or tell you I love you before we say goodnight, or ever talk to you again. If we didn’t have this baby and I was feeling this way right now, I would definitely just leave. But, baby’s really make things a lot harder.

Now would I have left for good? I don’t know, probably not, probably just long enough to blow off some steam, but shit I don’t even have a car to drive anywere in. And in just a couple of hours, I have my child back. Which means another long day/night of taking care of him, only now I will be sad the whole day, of course I have to act happy or the baby will not be good, which just makes things harder on me.

Shit the baby might as well have stayed with us last night, its not like I am going to get any sleep now. I think I will just go get my phone and then come in here and sleep. I just really think I can’t sleep next to you right now. Isn’t that terrible? I knew you were watching porn when I got up, saw you were outside and the computer was gone. I was just hoping that I would be proved wrong, and when I saw I wasn’t it was just the last straw.

Why couldn’t you have been nosey and read this instead? Not like it would do anything but piss you off and make you tell me how dumb I am for feeling what I feel and shit. Nothing would change out of it. I do anything to keep you happy, and yet you cant do anything small to make me happy. Of course, you probably think that I am happy. Makes me wonder if you are still truly happy?


And you know, I realized something last night. It slipped out of my mouth, but it is so true. Ever since jesse put this shit in your head about how I never do anything with my money for you, everything I fucking get goes to you to please you. I remember how guilty yall made me feel just for buying my ipod because I didn’t have money to get your cigarettes. Which is dumb, cause the reason you didn’t have money for cigarettes is cause you had bought a bunch of dvds for yourself with your paycheck. So why should your paycheck go to stuff for you, but mine also go to things for you? When you think on it, you really get more shit then me, and in the end all the spare money I get also does go to you. Its quite depressinsg.

But really, knowing that all my money goes to you, and then on top of that I can’t even look you in your face or sleep in the same room as you makes things ten times worse.

Rachel

Dear Baby, September 5, 2009; 1:04 p.m.
I hate us being mad at each other. It seems everytime we fuss it gets worse and worse. I just saw that you took the ring back off the counter. I just took it off last night to show that I was really mad, but you taking it back makes me think that you took that offer off the table. Its incredibly stupid how big this has gotten, but if we don’t fix it soon then I am going to leave for the babys sake. I can’t stay in a home like this and expect to be all happy around a baby, that’s too tough. I will leave all my furniture here for you, and still give you that 200 for the rent, since I am not dirty like other girls can be, but don’t expect this child to be passed back and forth between us, cause that isn’t happening. I really don’t to wanna even talk about us ending it, but that’s the way things look right now. We have never ignored each other this long.

And the thing is, I don’t want us to talk and things not change, cause that just means that I go back to being unhappy and such. I really don’t know what to do, since I really don’t know how to even tell you any of this. I am not good at speaking up, I am good at shutting up. I love you though, so so much. But something has to change in our live, I just really don’t know what that thing is, since it seems that so much is out of balance now. People told me that having a baby is stress on a relationship, but they never told me that it would END our relationship. If I knew this is how the baby thing would work out for us, I would have waited longer to have the baby, either that or I would have not had him. Well, I cant say that, I love this baby so much its incredible. I didn’t even know I could have a love for a child like this. That’s why I hope something will magically change, but it looks like when you took the ring back that you already made up your mind on how you want things to end out.

Last night I was going to sleep in the same bed as you, but you went in the back and shut the bedroom door almost like I wasn’t welcome. Then I even still tried going back there, but you had all the pillows and covers around you and you were knocked out. I got a pillow and a different blanket and tried to lay down next to you, but I just couldn’t go to sleep. So I came to the front on our couch/bed and fell asleep.

I didn’t just fall to sleep, I cried myself to sleep. Right now your actually up, outside on the porch, I don’t really know what your doing. I Told you I was leaving to make some groceries and asked for suggestions, but you really could care less. I don’t even know if we are dating or not, I don’t even know were we stand. Last night you said you don’t even want to be thinking what you are thinking, I asked what it was but you just walked outside. I should have said “then don’t think it” instead of asking what it was, just to be an asshole like you are being to me.

Having a child and living with you makes things so complicated, its not just we break up and its over anymore. But I guess even with us it wouldn’t have been that easy anyhow. Its so hard to not even look someone in the face, I really didn’t think we would both get this mad over something so dumb. But I cant help that it pissed me off, and well it still does piss me off. What was I supposed to do, act like it never happened? I have been known that you’ve been watching porn every night, even the nights when you should have been lying down with me or even worse, taking care of your child. No wonder he sleeps fine for everyone else, then always ends up screaming for you. My mom said he slept two hours last night, would wake up hungry, then go back to sleep again for another two hours. So why is it so easy for us? I know you love this kid, I figured it would come naturally to you with time, but it seems that it only gets harder for you which makes it harder for me to help out with. Again, your not a bad dad, all dads have problems. And trust me, if the worst problem you have is getting him to sleep then you have got it easy. Its cute how he follows you everytime he sees you. Even when I am holding him, he will follow you and do a whole 360 with his head just to look at you, trust me I have seen him do it plenty of times. That little boy has your heart, and to tell you the truth I think you have his.

We got lucky, to bring our little boy in a world were he is so loved, and were we have so much help and support. He has parents who are crazy about him, grand parents who are even crazier about him, friends, family, even my parents and your coworkers. And thank god for all the help from our moms, or we would really be sleep deprived. Of course its weird, no matter how long I get to sleep I am still so tired.

Speaking of which, I miss my baby, were is he? Oh yeah, hes been up since 8 this morning with my mom, and now she is trying to get him to sleep before she comes over to take me shopping.

Are we ever going to talk again? Or are we going to just live in silence? I guess live in silence it is though. Im going to sit outside now.
Rachel


September 5, 2009; 6:05 pm
Really, you think I was e-mailing somebody? I am so tired from cleaning and taking care of this baby and dealing with all this emotional stress with you and our relationship and the baby, you really think I need any more men in my life? Please, you and this baby are more then enough for me to handle.

As if I would ever leave you for another man or ccheat on you. I’m not an idiot, I’m not the one that’s gonna fuck us up so bad that we separate. Men, I swear.

Babys crying, that’s all I can type for now…

It was a fake cry, he just cried once and then stopped. Anyhow, I realized something today, when we first got together all we did was smoke and hang out. We rarely hung out not high and got along. No wonder this pregnancy has been rough. Are we ever going to just hang out and not have to smoke? I mean, I think we get along fine when we don’t smoke, but it seems to be so different when we don’t, I don’t know L

I am just trying to figure out what is going on in my head, and honestly, I cant. Im scared about our relationship, we were supposed to be the couple that was happy and that worked out. But I have changed since I had this baby, and I am not sure if you have really. And I am still growing up and changing, and you are done growing up and changing. What if I change, and it’s a change for the worse and not the better (in terms of us getting along?)

You asked me the other night when I was going to marry you, but until we can learn to talk about things better (well me learn to talk, you learn to ACTUALLY listen and understand me, and then compromise) I don’t really know an answer to that question. And since things have gotten worse and not better between us, I am not really sure there ever will be an answer to this question, as depressing as it is.

I really would be so miserable without you, but in the end if things don’t change I certainly cant just stay unhappy with you. :/ Im not completely unhappy, but just a little, but being a little unhappy on top of all this stress is hard, especially when I cant talk to you about it. I could, but I cant talk and have you actually listen or understand what im talking about. Baby is ACTUALLY waking up this time….

11:30 pm
Candice michelle porn, real nice. You know….maybe this isnt even worth it…that’s what I keep thinking cuz youll never know how I really feel anyhow but you need to….idk about anything anymore.

September 6, 2009
9:25am
Why do u always get more sleep then me? I am completely about to pass out while holding this baby trying to get him to sleep, and your knocked out in the back sleeping. As usual. Im up with the baby, your asleep or not around. :/ and things still arent ok between us in my book.And sorry for making you get me a present instead of just giving me money. Sorry I want something sweet and special from your heart to show that you love and appreciate me. I mean, really, how special is just heres 60$ go get yourself some boots? And I don’t jus want a anything. I want something that you put thought into, maybe even wrapped and got a romantic card to match (with a long note from you inside)
But of course, you just CANT understand why I would want that, so whatever, sorry for making that such a chore for you. Fuck it, I don’t want ANYTHING from you for my birthdays, or ill just make it easier on you, for any occasion, EVER.

September 7, 2009
6:23 p.m.
Your asleep in the back, the baby is with your mom, so I am just left up front thinking. I know I should be in the back with you, sleeping as much as possible, but I feel completely lost without this baby. I guess that is something I have to get over, but I really just love him so much, I think we both might have separation issues. Today is the anniversary of my maw maw’s death, not that it depresses me that much. I mean, she died when I was one, but somehow I have always felt so connected to her, so I guess it does kind of depress me. I know she really is one of the few people that can really relate to my situation right now, so I really wish she was alive for my sake. I mean, grant it my aunt has been in this situation, but she isn’t ever any help. My maw maw loved me so much before she died, and for some reason I miss her. Maybe its just cause I know so much about her and since I never really had a maw maw I just cling to her memory.

I don’t know why I say I am in a situation. By “situation” I mean that she had kids young with my paw paw and they were always struggling with money. Not that we are struggling, but we are still at a point were we have to watch what we spend. Not that I blame you, I mean I know its gonna get better, but yeah haha. You know what I mean.

I feel so lost now, its like the days just slip away and I never have time to get anything done. I have so much to do, and so much I wish I could do, but I guess that’s a part of having a baby. I still feel really alone, I guess that’s why I wish my grandmother was still alive. I can talk to my mom, but she really just doesn’t quite understand like I think my grandmother would. Well, hell, I really don’t even understand me anymore.

September 9, 2009
Im so happy u find time towatch porn when ur alone with my son. Im glad u learned how to delete the shit off the history, but it still pops up on the web browser. Theres only one way to delete it off there, and I deleted all the sites off it last night and imagine that there all there again as of today.

You wonder why im not happy to see u anymore? You take more interest in sex with me and porn then u do your son or me. I ignored a lot of stupid shit u do when it came to fuckin over me, but it never got fixed cause I never spoke up and if I did you weren’t willing to compromise, but im not ignoring shit when it comes to my son.

Slowly, but surely, I am falling out of love with you. Its benn happening for awhile, but really gotten worse recently. Ive tried to ignore it, say its gonna get better, but it doesn’t. I want us to be a happy family and I miss the way I used to feel when I saw you, but if you don’t think of something spectacular to make me re-fall in love with you, and if you don’t learn to listen or make small changes for me, And if you don’t fix/realize this soon(I shouldn’t have to tell you, you should just wanna do it on your own cause I no u can tell something’s wrong), we could end up a broken family.

p.s.- once I leave I’m not coming back

September 13, 2009
Dear baby
I haven’t written In this in awhile. I have all these thoughts scrambled in my head and they are confusing me. I keep telling myself I am happy, but deep down I am sad. I feel like I have so many issues with our relationship, but that we don’t really have time to sit down and talk about them. I feel like I stay cooped up in this apartment everyday and never do anything or talk to my friends and I think that this may be part of the reason I am sad too. I think that I do a lot to keep this house straight and then I go to sleep for a couple of hours and it gets messed up all over again, and that I feel unappreciated because you never acknowledge all that I do. I think that I need to get a job, because you have money to spoil you, and I think I deserve to get spoiled to. I thought that you would be the one to spoil me to show your appreciation because you used to all the time, but nope you don’t anymore. I just want a present, just because you wanted to show that you loved me. I want it wrapped all nice with a sweet card that has a sweet message inside just from you. I want it to be special and have a lot of thought behind it. I want to be taken out to a nice dinner every now and then, I want to be taken to the mall and bought some new nice clothes. I want surprises brought home like flowers or chocolate or shit even just some snacks you know I have been craving. I wanna hear that I am beautiful, not that I am sexy. I want an evening were we stay in and get a babysitter and just talk about everything and anything, eat a nice dinner, watch some movies and cuddle. I want you to hold me that entire night. I don’t wanna be high or drunk that night, I just want it to be us. I wanna talk about everything in my mind, and I want you to want me to talk about it. I want you to do this, I don’t want to have to bring it all up. I want you to want to know what all is going on in my head, and to take the time to listen and fix the things that I think are wrong.

I keep feeling like we are falling apart, and that makes me tear up just typing it. I want things to be fixed, and then this mommy thing would be a lot less stress on me. I think we could deal with this a lot better if so. Or at least I could, you think everything is just fine. I don’t really know how much longer I can do this, I hate feeling this way. I wanna pretend it will all go away and that it is just baby blues but it isnt it is so much more. It is issues that actually have to be dealt with to get better. I don’t know how much longer I can suck it up and act happy. I mean there are moments when I am happy, but all it takes is some small thing or some small thought to bring me down, and once I am down it takes so much energy to do anything, from eating to being happy to talking about it. I don’t feel like doing anything once I am down. I don’t wanna talk about it. I don’t wanna eat. I don’t wanna sit and smile. I don’t wanna hear you apologize, since you don’t ever really know what is wrong. I don’t wanna do anything. I just wanna get lost in my mind thinking about everything, which only makes things worse. It physically drains me to bring myself out of this cloud.

But as usual, this doesn’t matter. I just have to get over it, cause I ever doubt you will fix things or try to talk to me about it all. If things get better, I cant stay here. But I don’t wanna make you listen to me. I don’t wanna make you spoil me. I don’t wanna make you hold me. I don’t wanna make you take me out to a nice dinner. I don’t wanna make you let me go out with my friends. I don’t wanna make you do anything that I think would make things better. I want you to do them, cause me forcing ortelling you to do them or that I want them means I am doing it, and that your not doing it all on your own.

I think it is really fucked up that you get a birthday present and I don’t. I think its more fucked up all this stuff you plan on buying yourself, and yet I don’t get a wish list. And yet, I cant have a job to even buy it for myself. I think its fucked up this paycheck you had money to buy weed and movies you wanted and a new phone for yourself and like 60 dollars in groceries for yourself, and yet this paycheck you didn’t have money to buy your son a crib.

Just like a man, to think about himself before his family. And just like a woman to feel like this, and have to do everything on her own. How fucked up that in the end his crib is coming out of my birthday money.

Nope, if things don’t somehow change, I cant stay. I don’t want to leave, but I’d rather be completely heart broken then sitting here in this house all day just magically hoping for things to get better.













YOU CAN READ THIS ONE J
September 15, 2009
Dear baby,
Well you read my letter to you, not like it was really meant for you to read. You said that you were going to start listening, but I really cant trust that. I really don’t know how I am supposed to learn to talk to you when in the end I am so used to you just beating me down for how I feel. This could be a tough one, since I cant last forever just writing in here and hoping the problems go away.

I do love you though, and as much as I think about it sometimes, I couldn’t ever leave you. Sometimes I just get so frustrated that I just want to give up, but in the end I don’t. I just don’t know what to do anymore when it comes to things that bother me, so I just feel like if we cant fix this then whats the point in staying together? But on your days off, when you don’t have work and its just the three of us for to days, and all three of us are up here and we are playing with him, those are the moments I would kill for all the time. I know you have to work and I know eventually im going to have to get a job, but those days, are the days I look forward to every week. We have a good family together.

And I don’t want us to fail, I want us to work. I just don’t know what to do about anything. But I also want things that bother me to get better, and things that bother you to get better. We shouldn’t have to sacrifice those things just for two good days out of the week.

And I do wanna get married. Hell I could go down to the courthouse downtown tomorrow and marry you. I love spontaneous stuff like that. If you woke me up tomorrow, and told me to get dressed up cause we’re running away to get married, I would. I think it would be so romantic. Just wake me up one day when we have extra money when your off for your two days, and tel me to pack cause the three of us are going to Biloxi and we’re gonna get married at the courthouse there then stay at the beach for the weekend. Just to get away, we could just go there, get married, walk along the beach at sunset for a little while then stay in the hotel just relaxing all weekend, getting away from the world. Turn our phones off for those two days and forget about the world. Then when we get home tell everyone.

Yeah, sure having a wedding all planned is sweet and all, but I wouldn’t mind something spontaneous and crazy either. I mean, later on we could plan a big fancy wedding and just renew our vows. Why not be crazy, why not? We don’t have to go to Biloxi, I just said go there cause its close. We could go anywere you wanted to. Oh maybe Memphis!!! There is so much for free that I would love to do with little man and you, so much I would love to show you guys that you guys would love. Or NYC if we had a lot of extra money.


Lets start doing that, when I get a job, part of my checks are going into savings so one weekend when your off you can just wake me up and tell us that today lets go somewere, and we will pick a city and go there. We can hang a map of the united states up and just pick cities and mark them off as we go there. We will get maps and postcards and pictures at all of them.

See that’s whats really wrong with me. Ever since I was little I have traveld. I cant stand things being the same. I thought having a family meant things have to be, and that is what has scared me. I didn’t think I could handle the same home and same people all the time, and the romance and spontaneous-ness and sweetness and craziness leaving the relationship. But who says it has to? I am so used to moving and traveling that hell I even switched high schools cause baton rouge high was getting boring to me. I have always traveled, I need to to stay normal. And Id love to show you all the places that I have seen. So lets start small, start saving and going to places nearby, then we will get farther out. Or we could close our eyes and pick places. We can look up sights to see all over the country, and just go see it all.

As little man gets older, we can even let him pick the places. And we can get a huge wishlist of places that we want to see, and the sights that we wanna see. And we could take a train there sometimes, and rent a car and drive sometimes (our car is too old to take places out of baton rouge) and maybe fly (I hate flying though)

And in one of those places, we can get married randomly just because we feel like it. Some weekends we can leave him at one of our parents, but most weekends I want to bring him, especially when he gets older to appreciate the places.

Lets do it, one weekend soon, lets go somewere and just get away. We can even just start by going somewere in Louisiana. Hell we could even just go stay at a nice ass hotel here in baton rouge, just to hide somewere for the weekend. We can go to the courthouse downtown and get married, maybe go see a show there playing at the place we went and saw wrestling. J

And with time, we can learn to talk more, and fix all the little kinks in our relationship, but what we all could use is a vacation. And we’d only need a babysitter Sunday and Monday, if we decide to leave him on our trip, cause we only need to stay at those places your off days so that you wont get your schedule messed up.




September 16, 2009
Happy anniversary to me, Christy hemme is on the screen when I open this thing up, so that’s the tna girl. Or maybe u were just lookin at all of them. Or maybe its Kimberly. I swear u and famous chicks. Fuck this, im goin out or the day. Especially since it looks like u didn’t even rread my new entry cuz the page was at the same spot I had it last night. And u wonder why….nevermind,



September 18, 2009
So I understand your obsession with wwe divas, and I see that you will never quit looking and fantasizing about them, but I thought that one day I would be good enough for you too. Now, your adding and checking out random girls that you COULD meet in real life on that wwe site. And your adding them as friends, and for all I know you could be messaging them. I was going to create a wwe profile just cuz, I mean I made my myspace then I made you one, so I thought it could be like that for this site.. BUT I don’t think I am because it seems that you are a little busy on that site looking at pictures of random chicks who for all I know could live here. Whats more fucked up is one of them as named Rachel. Sorry I don’t trust you with this computer, but everytime I check it I find something that makes me think “no wonder I don’t trust him” and you wonder why I cant sleep? I hate being in that room, alone, and just wondering what the hell you are getting into now on this computer. I mean really, random chicks? Your right, I am not ready for marriage because I cant trust you, but you know what you broke our trust and im sorry if I just cant get the hell over it like you can. I HAVE NEVER LIED TO YOU about anything, and you know I really almost left you with the Katherine thing, and now that I didn’t because I love you so much, I cant help but be nosey and wondering what else are you lying to m about?

I try and stay here in this apartment because when we have our good days, they are so good I just want it to be like this forever. Plus we have such a cute family, and I refuse for this kid to have a broken home, but then when I get on here and see the shit you be doing and it just pisses me off. Hell I feel like im slowly losing it over this shit and you just don’t even care cause you keep doing this shit and then if I ever try to talk about it you just fuss at me like im the one that does EVERYTHING wrong! I don’t know what to do to tell you the truth. Things either have to stay good or stay bad, I can have this on and off shit. Its driving me nuts. I am in so much physical pain and im so emotionally stressed that I cant even sleep or eat anymore, I don’t even feel human anymore.

Wow

its hard to update this with a newborn, but then again i really could use it. My baby will be a month old this thursday, its amazing how fast the time goes. My relationship with my boyfriend has been very rocky, but slowely we are starting to try and fix things. Its mostly me having issues with him, but i know that he has some with me too. But we wont give up, we dont want to. we love each other too much, and the issues are not major at all. Its rough on the days he has to worrk, seems like we never even see each other. then i am at home all day and night and it just drives me crazy. but on his off days, when its the three of us together all day and night for two days, its so much fun. hell play with the baby all day and ill just giggle and laugh cause of them two together. my baby is so sweet. he is finally getting on a schedule. he has been lifting his head a lot and is finally starting to roll on his side! the faces he makes are so funny, and he has the absolute sweetest face that i have ever seen. i poured my eyes out when i first saw him, and holding him i just wanted to cry more. the 15 hours of labor and ceasection were completely worth it. it was rough at first when we brought him home, especially since i was trying to recooperate and my boyfriend was working, helping me and helping the baby. but we had a lot of family to come over and help us out a lot, and over time its getting easier. i still cant believe a month has passed.
i wrote this long letter to my boyfriend just venting and it wasnt meant for him to read, but he read it anyways and so we actually started talking last night about it all (it was everything that bothers me with our relationship, so im kind of glad he did read it. it is why we are now working on our relationship)i just wrote this letter to my boyfriend, and i mean every word of it:Dear baby,
Well you read my letter to you, not like it was really meant for you to read. You said that you were going to start listening, but I really cant trust that. I really don’t know how I am supposed to learn to talk to you when in the end I am so used to you just beating me down for how I feel. This could be a tough one, since I cant last forever just writing in here and hoping the problems go away. I do love you though, and as much as I think about it sometimes, I couldn’t ever leave you. Sometimes I just get so frustrated that I just want to give up, but in the end I don’t. I just don’t know what to do anymore when it comes to things that bother me, so I just feel like if we cant fix this then whats the point in staying together? But on your days off, when you don’t have work and its just the three of us for to days, and all three of us are up here and we are playing with him, those are the moments I would kill for all the time. I know you have to work and I know eventually im going to have to get a job, but those days, are the days I look forward to every week. We have a good family together. And I don’t want us to fail, I want us to work. I just don’t know what to do about anything. But I also want things that bother me to get better, and things that bother you to get better. We shouldn’t have to sacrifice those things just for two good days out of the week. And I do wanna get married. Hell I could go down to the courthouse downtown tomorrow and marry you. I love spontaneous stuff like that. If you woke me up tomorrow, and told me to get dressed up cause we’re running away to get married, I would. I think it would be so romantic. Just wake me up one day when we have extra money when your off for your two days, and tel me to pack cause the three of us are going to Biloxi and we’re gonna get married at the courthouse there then stay at the beach for the weekend. Just to get away, we could just go there, get married, walk along the beach at sunset for a little while then stay in the hotel just relaxing all weekend, getting away from the world. Turn our phones off for those two days and forget about the world. Then when we get home tell everyone. Yeah, sure having a wedding all planned is sweet and all, but I wouldn’t mind something spontaneous and crazy either. I mean, later on we could plan a big fancy wedding and just renew our vows. Why not be crazy, why not? We don’t have to go to Biloxi, I just said go there cause its close. We could go anywere you wanted to. Oh maybe Memphis!!! There is so much for free that I would love to do with little man and you, so much I would love to show you guys that you guys would love. Or NYC if we had a lot of extra money. Lets start doing that, when I get a job, part of my checks are going into savings so one weekend when your off you can just wake me up and tell us that today lets go somewere, and we will pick a city and go there. We can hang a map of the united states up and just pick cities and mark them off as we go there. We will get maps and postcards and pictures at all of them. See that’s whats really wrong with me. Ever since I was little I have traveld. I cant stand things being the same. I thought having a family meant things have to be, and that is what has scared me. I didn’t think I could handle the same home and same people all the time, and the romance and spontaneous-ness and sweetness and craziness leaving the relationship. But who says it has to? I am so used to moving and traveling that hell I even switched high schools cause baton rouge high was getting boring to me. I have always traveled, I need to to stay normal. And Id love to show you all the places that I have seen. So lets start small, start saving and going to places nearby, then we will get farther out. Or we could close our eyes and pick places. We can look up sights to see all over the country, and just go see it all. As little man gets older, we can even let him pick the places. And we can get a huge wishlist of places that we want to see, and the sights that we wanna see. And we could take a train there sometimes, and rent a car and drive sometimes (our car is too old to take places out of baton rouge) and maybe fly (I hate flying though) And in one of those places, we can get married randomly just because we feel like it. Some weekends we can leave him at one of our parents, but most weekends I want to bring him, especially when he gets older to appreciate the places. Lets do it, one weekend soon, lets go somewere and just get away. We can even just start by going somewere in Louisiana. Hell we could even just go stay at a nice ass hotel here in baton rouge, just to hide somewere for the weekend. We can go to the courthouse downtown and get married, maybe go see a show there playing at the place we went and saw wrestling. J And with time, we can learn to talk more, and fix all the little kinks in our relationship, but what we all could use is a vacation. And we’d only need a babysitter Sunday and Monday, if we decide to leave him on our trip, cause we only need to stay at those places your off days so that you wont get your schedule messed up.

I dont know

I dont really know which is worse, keeping my baby around all the time, being sleep deprived and distant from my boyfriend, and feeling close to my baby,
or having his maw maws take him some nights, gettting sleep, being closer to my boyfriend, but feeling distant to my boyfriend.


I miss my little man, and i feel like i am forgetting about him or something.
I love him so much, but i let him go to his maw maws last night and tonight to catch up on sleep and because i have been having bad chest pains and now i feel like my little boy is going to forget i am his mommy, or he wont love me as much as he does his maw maws.

I feel likt such a bad mother!! he's only two weeks old, its okay to have your family help out as much as they want to, right? Just as long as you make sure that you see him a lot still. I mean me and his daddy played with him all day and he was up and we were one happy family since we got so much rest. I loved it, thats how i want things to be.

but we cant do that when he is here every night. IDK what to do :( I wish i could quit feeling guilty, it takes a village to raise a family, right?!?!?!

Rough.

I have had a rough couple of weeks. on the 17 at 4 am i was induced to have my baby, and after 15 hours of labor i had a c-section cause i had only dialated 1 cm. then on the 27 i went to the emergency room with him because we thought he was having seizures. he just got out yesterday, and its been forever since i have found time to be on the computer since i am either sleeping or taking care of him. me and my boyfriend have been taking shifts, and i open my computer to find porn playing on it how convinent to find time for that, but not time to spend withme?

I feel so alone all of a sudden, and even more alone now that i saw porn playing on my computer. Could i feel my relationship going down the drain any quicker? I have been holding back tears for weeks but now i am not so sure i can. I just feel like everything is too much. I love this baby, and i love my boyfriend, and i thought just a couple more weeks then we could send the baby to one of ourr parents for a night (since he'd be old enough to, i dont wanna when he is really young) and we can get our relationship back on track. but now i dont think its that easy. I dont know how to balance my life.

I was gonna right about the baby, how well things are going, how although we have no idea what we are doing that we love the baby and hey thats all that matters, if you love someone you can raise a good child. boy was i wrong.

i hope that no one stops by the apartment today, cause since my boyfriend went to sleep in the back i just want to cry. I thought everything was going so well, but you really cant have it all. I gave up my friends and got closer to my family when i had this baby. i neever get out of the house, barely shower, and never talk to my boyfriend. he goes to work at night, comes home, i go to sleep while he takes care of the baby, then he wakes me up in the morning so he can sleep and i can go take care of the baby. I know we have been distant, but isnt that part of the dela? hell i even stayed in the hospital alone so that he could go home and get some rest. I didnt cry once, i took care of the baby on my own without sleep and without stress(somehow) and i come home to open my computer and find porn playing.

It makes me wonder if he really is ready for this whole daddy thing. Or if im ready for this whole mommy thing. I thought things were getting better, but now i feel like i have been lying to myself this whole time.

Have to go, will type more eventually, baby is crying.

The big day.

Tomorrow is the big day, which begins at 4 am for us. That is the odd time that we have to be at the hospital. Crazy right? I know. Anyhow, i guess now that it is getting so close i am getting really nervous. I mean, the thought that i could go into labor at anytime was easier to accept because you can't plan for it, you don't have any idea when it is going to happen so i could just block the thoughts out of my head. But since i am being induced its like a countdown to when i am going to start being in pain, and that scares me. I guess i have gotten really nervous that something bad will either happen to me or the baby, and i dont think i could live if something happened to the baby. And i guess that now more then ever, i really need to know that there is something more then just this life and just this world before tomorrow morning.



I guess that i took just a little to long to really try and figure out about god, but i guess that is something that will comfort me tomorrow morning in the hospital. I am just so terrified of giving birth, although i can not wait to hold my baby in my arms. I am scared that they will end up doing a ceasection, and if they do then i dont even get to hold my baby right away. Now that is something i definitely can not live with. IT will drive me insane if they do that, because i don't want anyone holding my child before i get to. I will tell them, in fact, that if they decide to do a ceasection that baby is too be kept in secret until i get my time with him, because i want to be the first to hold him and greet him into this world. I want my time with just me and him, with no one else around to just be left alone and to have some time to just hold him and comfort him and bond with him. I want to be the first person that he sees and loves in this world.



I think that after 9 months, i should at least get that, right?

Immortal.

Don't you think it would be hard to be in love and be immortal? I mean, think about it, once the person that you fell in love with dies, you must miss them constantly. I mean, just think to miss the one that you are in love with forver. I just think that idea is so sad.

I am being induced on Monday morning, around 3-4am. Joy? I am very excited about having my baby in my arms, but i am terrified about actually giving birth. I mean, knowing it can happen at any time makes it easier cause you don't know when it will happen, but knowing when it is going to happen is just like a countdown to pain. Of course, it is nice to know how much time i have left to get everything ready, not like i reall have much left to do. I mean, its mostly just stuff that doesn't matter that i want to get done before my baby gets here. I am so nervous about having him and taking care of him, but at the same time i am really excited.

My boyfriend has seemed to be very fussy with me lately. I just think the thought of him actually being a dad in a couple of days is scaring him a little, but that doesnt mean he can be an ass to me. I mean, its just like he constantly has something mean to say to me and even on my birthday he pissed me off. Half of the time i can't do shit about what he gets mad over, although i guess he just loves to blame me. [like the situation with his mom, he got mad cause we didnt have money to buy her food, as if i put him in that situation? He needs to learn to quit blaming me when it comes to things that has to do with her, and realize that its his mom doing this and that she is far from being a saint.]

I hope this fussiness is temporary, because i don't know if its permanent if i can live with him forever. I know having a baby changes everything, but does moving in together change it too? Maybe we are just moving too fast, and getting in way over our heads. I mean he still makes me so happy, but when it comes to serious things then we just get to fussing. Even over really dumb things we do. Then hes says his side, i get all mad then ten minutes later hes like "are you still mad over that?" well yeah i am, because he gets his opinion out and then says that he doesnt want to talk about it, so i never even get a word in. Then he will either apologize so i wont stress out the baby, or he will just expect me to get over it. I dont like that we fuss, since the baby can hear us and sense the stress in our voices. I dont know.

Also lately i have gotten this terrible rash all over my body that itches like crazy. The doctor gave me a cream, but it really doesnt help. Before i got the cream i was just putting gold bond on it and every night i would try to sleep i would have to have a fan on whatever itches. Like i would lay on one side and air off the back of my legs, go to sleep for like an hour, then have to roll over (which would be incredibly hard with my tumy being so big and my body being so stiff and my legs hurting from the way i had to lay) to air off my stomach. One night i woke up itching my leg in my sleep, and it started stinging. The fan didnt work, so i went and took a shower. (cold showers are the only other cure to make the itching better) but at first i had to take a warm shower from shivering so much cause of the fan, then i put cold water on it and it still was stinging. I got out and tried to put it under the fan again, but it stung. So i put a soft sheet over it and it stung. It was just anything i did it still stung like crazy. I couldnt do anything but just cry. My boyfriend woke up and i got a big towl and wet it and wrapped up my leg and it got better. then i laid down by him with the towel still on, and he held me to help me settle down. I told him how much it hurt and how i just wanted it to stop, from the itching to the stinging, and he said he knows he hates seeing me uncomfortable and just to try and go to sleep.

That is why i love him, all those little moments when he does exactly what i need someone to do. (: HE held me until i went to sleep.

Lets just hope things get better and stay that way, especially with the whole money thing. We are kind of short right now :( We finally got food in our apt. since my dad took me shopping for like 100$ worth of groceries. It took my mom coming over to see my place and looking into our empty kitchen in order for us to accept there help. [and my boyfriend worries because his mom doesnt have any food. wtf?]

Okay.

So i haven't been typing the entries up in my word processor, but instead have been making little notes on subjects that i want to write about, so i guess i better get started (because there is a long list filled with many emotions and questions).

Well first (this isn't on my list? but just really annoys me) off, i am completely tired of my boyfriends mother. She is constantly expecting help from me and my boyfriend, and we really can't help her at all. She got in this wreck and then sued the guy and then quit her job and is expecting the settlement money to help her out, but the settlement is taking forever(as they usually do!)and so until then she expects everyone to just help take care of her. She has three kids with her and is going to quit her job in this economy? Then she asked my boyfriend if we could buy her kids some new shoes for school, or some groceries for her apt. I am sorry that they don't have food, but me and my boyfriend don't have any money to spare anytime soon. Especially since we have a baby on the way and are living off just one income that isn't a lot. And the last time i looked, we are living off of can goods and breakfast food until friday when he gets paid. And i know he gets mad cause he can't help her, but really its not our responsibility. I mean this women has a college degree so why no job? I don't care if you hate what your degree is in, if it came down to it i'm gonna do whatever i have to in order to take care of my family, even my boyfriend does. He HATES his job but would never quit because A) It pays the bills B) its reliable C)who knows when he could ever find another one? She's extrememly immature in my eyes since she has ALWAYS had people helping her out so i guess she just expects her own son too? But really, we aren't rich. In fact, we are doing JUST as bad as her, and the last time i looked we don't have 50,000 coming to us ANYTIME soon. And also, she doesn't even plan on giving us any? And she hasn't even bought her grand baby one thing? Whatever.

Okay, woah, i am so glad i got that off my chest! Next subject: OUR FUTURE. I have been working my butt off on trying to find grants/scholarships for me and my boyfriend. I should have TOPS(program in LA that pays high school students to go to college in LA) but my boyfriend won't so i am especially trying to find some for him, because he really wants to go to barber school and if we can get him in, he would graduate before i would even be close to it. The only problem is i really don't even know were to begin when it comes to finding grants, but i just know that him graduating from school could help us out so so much, plus it would make him so much happier. He loves cooking, but working in a restaurant is killing him because doing what you love for money and not under your own rules would make anyone hate what they love. Am i right?

Another happy subject, my 18 birthday was sunday! My boyfriend BBq'd for my family and my best friend and it was just a really good day! Plus i used my ID to buy my boyfriend a pack of cigarettes. It was funny cause the lady in the gas station (we go to it all the time, well my boyfriend does it was my first time in there) was like those better not be for you! And i told her no they were for my boyfriend. and so today when he walked to the gas station she fussed at him for sending me in to buy them haha! Of course, my boyfriends mom calling and asking for money really ruined the happy mood cause it made me get mad at isaac cause he was like "Why do you always make me the bad guy" and all i could think was maybe if your mom would quit expecting us to take care of her then you wouldnt be. Its not my fault we dont have money? I mean, really, what the fuck does she expect from us? And she makes him feel so guilty! Its ridiculus. Ive really grown to hate her, which sucks cause at first i really liked her. :(

Other then fussing over that, living with my boyfriend has rocked. Its so amazing to be able to walk to the kitchen anytime i want and not have to worry about his old room mates or anything. And its amazing to shower when i want and do whatever i want. Its so nice to have a closet full of clothes instead of a purse, and to have all of our stuff and the babys stuff all settled into one place we can both call home. We have fussed a little, but things have just been stressful getting it all together. At the end of the night, we go to sleep kissing and cuddling. Of course, i hope that the fussing goes away soon now that we have most of our business taken care of, but we will have to see.

Tomorrow is my due date, and my baby boy still has not come! Tomorrow morning i have to go to a car seat inspection station in the morning, and then to the hospital to sign papers to donate my babys cord blood then to the food stamp office. Thursday morning the cable people are supposed to be turning on our cable, and then at 2:30 i have an ultrasound to see how big my baby is then after that we have a doctors appointment to see what all we are going to do about getting my baby boy in this world. I am really excited! And honestly, i don't know how much i can wait...not only am i really excited i am also extremely miserable. My stretch marks have gotten these itchy bumps all over them, and its so bad that i scratch them in my sleep then wake up with a sore belly. Also, the bumps have gone to my arms and all over my legs. Its so uncomfortable, i have to sleep with a fan blowing right on me and even then i toss and turn all night cause i have to put the fan on my belly a little while, then i roll over and face the other way and let it blow on my legs cause i dont want my baby to get really cold (when i roll over i put a comforter on my belly) and cause by then my legs are driving me crazy and this just repeats over and over. Plus the whole time my arms are itching cause the bumps on them are in such a weird place theres no way i could get a fan on them. Then sleeping on my side all night (I cant sleep on my back cause i get to short of breath and cause it makes the back of my legs itch too bad) makes me legs cramp up and get all stiff and hurt like hell.

So, as you can tell, i am just miserable. :( And i want my baby boy! Cause i am constantly worrying that something is wrong with him.

Lastly, you know that one subject in your relationship is just too awkward to talk about? How long should you wait before really sitting down and talking about it? And how to you express your feelings on it without offending the one you love? For me, this awkward subject is my boyfriends mom. Its like, we constantly get in fusses over her but never seem to be able to talk about it. In fact, besides my boyfriend getting made at the cable company (and me thinking he was mad at me), that is the real reason we have been fussing so much. I mean i am sorry, i just have to take care of my own family before i take care of hers. And i mean, i don't owe her shit she hasn't done a thing for us and my parents have done tons! and yet, what do they expect from me? Nothing. Why? Cause thats why we have parents. Parents are made in this world to do as much as you can to help your child and to always expect nothing in return. Yet, his mother acts like we owe her the world? I'm sorry, but if at 18 i can take care of my family and get ready for my child, then what is keeping her from doing it? She can't say a man, cause lord knows she has plenty of men always coming over.

I just feel like i don't know how to talk to my boyfriend about this without making him mad that i'm like offending his mom, but this isn't going to go away and it isn't going to get better. So how am i supposed to make it better? He has to realize that he doesn't have to take care of her, that it isn't his job. That she is a grown woman and it isn't his job to baby her, she needs to learn to grow up. Cause the lord only knows that i have these past 9 months. And if she wasn't ready or prepared to take care of a family and all of her kids, then she should have kept her legs closed, or gotten better birth control.

Its weird

I have gone to school for the past 12 years of my life, faked sick to get out of class, skipped homework assignments until the class before the one it was due in, dreaded waking up in the morning, texting during class, and now that i am out of it, i kind of miss it. Well, then again i really only had 11 years of schooling since my senior year was spent doing a full-time job and online schooling. And yet, i can't honestly wait to get into college. Maybe its just because the classes i will be taking will be ones that i am interested in, maybe its because i know the money i will make and the job i will have once i am out of college. Maybe its just because i know college is a lot different then high school. Or maybe, its because i actually miss learning. I feel like my brain is going to no use at all, and it just makes me feel kind of worthless not to have a job or not be going to school.

My days are spent cleaning up an apartment and resting. My nights are spent at my parents (Since my boyfriend doesn't want me at our place alone just yet in case i go into labor) just relaxing. After my boyfriend gets off we cook, watch a movie or play some games, then go to sleep. And it starts all over again. I just want to do something more, whether its working at a job, going to school, or just anything really. I know it will be awhile before i can work, but i know that i can do school at anytime, which makes me incredibly happy. Its like, i have had this giant list of goals/to do's before the baby comes and after he gets here. Now that all of the things are scratched off on the before the baby comes section, i have a whole new list to help me and my boyfriend get our lives together under the after the baby comes section. Some of these things under this are getting my boyfriend and i both back into school. I just feel like we have been doing so much for this baby, that this is something that will help us all out. I love researching things on the internet and just helping make plans. I love making phone calls and organizing things. I am not sure what that really has to do anything? It just makes me feel useful.

I just think its weird, that i spent so many years of my life hating school and now i couldn't wait for it more.

Up Or Down?

August 2, 2009-Movin on Down.

Me and my boyfriend didn’t get in to our apartment until late last night. We were so tired from working all day, and we still had to unload the second load out of our car. We stayed up till 5 in the morning unpacking everything and getting everything situated. We finally got to sleep and woke up around 1:15 this afternoon. My boyfriend went to get my phone out of my car and came back with a ticket that was on my windshield, for $300. Apparently, the night before we had parked in a handicapped parking space, but we had no idea that we had. First off, there was no sign in front of the parking space. Second off, the blue lines were so faded that, at 2 in the morning you couldn’t see them if you tried. So how fucked up is that?

August 4, 2009-Movin Back Up.

These past few days really have been heaven. Our apartment looks amazing and is so cozy. We both have huge plans for it too, and we both work hard to make sure that everything stays clean and fresh smelling. My boyfriend put together the baby’s swing the other night and it is just precious! We have been doing not much in here but really cuddling, cooking, and watching movies. Last night I woke up about once every hour, either from a weird dream or because I had to pee really bad. But this morning I woke up to breakfast in bed. My boyfriend had cooked eggs and bacon, and made me a bowl or cereal to go with it. We sat there together and just ate in silence, it was so sweet. Then he took the dishes to the kitchen and came back and we cuddled and went back to sleep. We finally woke up again around 3. It is so nice to have our own place. My boyfriend loves to cook, and now he finally he has his own kitchen to cook when and whatever he feels like it. We had a bunch of change and went and cashed it and got 70$ for groceries. Yesterday evening I kind of had a breakdown in the car because we were sort of low on money and I told him I didn’t wanna live paycheck to paycheck and I’m so tired of worrying about money all the time. I even started crying, and he just calmed me down. He told me that he won’t let me and this baby go without, and that we will be fine, that he has a plan and why would he even get our own place if he didn’t? Then he explained what paychecks will go to what and etc. etc. etc. It made me feel so much better, and to say that we are living on a one income job that only makes 10$ an hour I’d like to say that we are very blessed. We will do it, I am convinced now. Of course I knew it before, but it feels nice to be reassured about it. Especially since, lets face it, we can’t really fail since we have a baby to provide for. But its just gonna be a little tight until he gets paid again. Lucky us, all of our bills are paid for august anyhow, so there really isn’t much to worry about. I just got nervous cause we both want him to take off a week but I didn’t know how that would affect the money for Septembers rent.

I have been thinking about life a lot. How so many times in my life I feel like I am watching it happen around me instead of feeling like I am actually in it. So many times I have sat there and had all this stress and drama and I really don’t know how I actually made it through, except that during those times I feel like I am watching a t.v. show instead of the fact that it is my life. I sat back one night and just thought about everything that I have been through, and how fast it all seemed to pass by, and how so many things that I stressed about were so unimportant. How 5 years ago I looked at the world, and how different I think of it now. I almost feel like a hypocrite since some of my opinions have changed, but I guess as we grow we change, and so do our views. Who are we to stick with an immature view of the world just because we are too stubborn to admit the fact that we were wrong and a different idea is right? I mean, we are human, it is in our nature to grow and change as we do.

I have also noticed how little changes that you look forward to actually really affect the people that you love more then you thought it would. For example, me moving out of the house has really changed my parents. Since I am the youngest and my brother is in Houston temporarily, there four bedroom house is just housing them two. They told me last night how lonely it is now that I am gone, and it really seemed to hurt them. Not really hurt them, just made them sad. I thought that moving in with my boyfriend would mean that I could just stay in my apartment while he is at work, but now I feel like I should go see them some nights. And I guess that in the end, I am not this parent-to-be to them, but just there 17 year old daughter that is growing up too fast for them.

Moving on Up.

Me and my boyfriend finally moved into our apartment day. It was a very crazy, tiring, but successful day. We stayed up all night last night just talking to each other about everything cuddling, it was amazing. Then we woke up early this morning and packed his stuff in my car. We went to the bank, got cash out, went to hi neighbor, got a money order for August rent. Then we went to my parents house, went to big lots and got some basic needs. Then we went to the apartment while my parents went to pickup the u-haul and signed all the papers and paid the rent. We went to my parents and packed up my stuff. My boyfriend and dad went to the apartment to unpack while i stayed at the house to watch my little cousin so that my mom could run an errand. When she got back i went and got McDonald's then met my dad and boyfriend at the apartment. They finished unloading everything and then ate, then my dad went to take the u-haul back. THEN i went home while my boyfriend bathed and stuck his work clothes in the dryer (when i was babysitting my cousin, i had put them in the washer.) Then i brought them to him at the apartment, he got dressed, i dropped him off at work and went to my parents. Went to wal-mart with my dad for supper and some cleaning stuff, and now, finally I am sitting down to rest.

Waiting at my apartment is boxes like crazy to unload, along with a lot of cleaning. We also need to go to wal-mart for groceries and a duster (i forgot to get that earlier). And of course, my boyfriend is working his tail off tonight!!! From 5-close. Poor thing, thank god he is off Sunday and Monday!!! And of course my cousin is spending the night which is a hand full.
I got to take a shower today, and thank god! It felt so amazing, i actually took a cold shower because it was so hot and i was sweating all day. And i didn't ever want to get out.

I am now 38 weeks, and i just can't believe it. We are moved into our place and basically settled and now i want him to come!!! :D

As for my entries, they will be scarce but long from now on. Since we just got our apartment, and will soon have a newborn, i don't exactly know when we will be getting cable+Internet. However, i do promise to type entries into Microsoft Word and then when i get a chance to have a little bit of Internet (like at my parents) i will post them all at once. So although i might only post once or twice a week, they will be very thought-filled and thorough.

Just not tonight, because i am physically exhausted, we still have lots to do, and my baby is laying on my hip bone and kicking me in my ribs. (: Its how he shows he loves me.

God and Crime.

First off, i truly believe that from this day forward no one has the right to talk to me about God. There are several reasons behind this, and i will try to organize them all as i go along. the main reason is because out of every one in this world i can not make myself believe that i am such a bad human being that i am on the top of the list of going to hell. I had sex before marriage-yes. I have had my time of telling white lies-yes. I am going to be living with a man without owning a wedding ring-yes. But really, since when are those rules really realistic in this world now a days? I mean, since when can any teenager really control his/her hormones anymore? And i think i am doing pretty well in this world. I don't cheat on my man. I love him with all my heart and one day, yes i am going to marry him, but me getting pregnant is not a reason to get married. Being in love on the other hand, is. I think that we actually do better then many married couples. We both love each other with everything we have, we work hard to do well in this world, we work even harder to get everything ready for the baby, we have life goals that work with each other, we never lie to one another, we are completely honest with each other and talk about everything. We are best friends before we are lovers. I mean really, you won't ever seeing us getting a divorce. So just because i am not married to him i am going to hell? Even though we are doing a fine job of building a good, honest life together?
Another thing is i don't believe any one has the right to judge my life and tell me what i am doing wrong. No one has ever stepped in my shoes, no one has ever seen or been through what i have. God let all of the bad things happen to me, and i think i am doing DAMN well for what i have been through. I think that if anything God is proud of how well i am doing. Yeah, i have made my mistakes, but i have also been baptised in order to be forgiven to them. I haven't killed or raped or physically harmed anyone(that bad. Who hasn't been in a fight?) I haven't ever denied the fact that i believe in God (now that i am sure i do believe in him.) I plan on going to a church every Sunday, once i find one that i like. I plan on reading about the bible and learning more about God. As far as i am concerned, i am doing a lot better in this world than many people are, and after everything i have been through the last thing i need is people judging my life when they have never been in my shoes.
Also, i don't agree with what anyone says. I believe that bibles are edited and there are many books of it that we have never read. I don't believe that homosexuals or interracial couples are going to hell. I think that race or sex of a person is merely a trait of them, just like the color of your eyes or hair. In fact, i think it takes a lot of courage, love, and self-esteem to go through this world holding the hand of someone of a different color or same sex. I would personally know about the different color one, trust me learning to ignore the people who stare at you or actually tell you are doing wrong is really hard. You have to have a tough skin to say fuck you! and move on. Plus, i believe that everyone believes in the same thing, and i hate that. In my opinion, everyone really needs to learn to get a bunch of different facts about something and then make your own opinion after learning what you can and taking a look at this world. But no one forms there own opinions anymore, they just listen to what people tell them without really looking at how what they believe affects or applies to others. If it fits them and helps them sleep at night, they just go with it. Even if it hurts or offends others.
Plus, the last time i looked, no one was allowed to judge me but God. No one on this planet is perfect and EVERYONE has sinned, so who is anyone to judge me and play God? I mean really, who thinks they have the right? God's judgement is the only one that i will ever care about, and i truly hope i can raise my child to believe the same.

Now onto crime. My dad called the police station, and guess what? There is no tape of me and my boyfriend being pulled over, and since i don't remember the officer's names they can't get in trouble for not having a tape of it or for what they did to us. Imagine that, how convenient. It almost makes me want to go to that gas station and see if they are there just to get there badge numbers and get them into trouble.

Onto the next thing, what in the hell is wrong with people nowadays? I mean, women being killed and there babies stolen out of the womb? Children coming up missing and found dead and molested? What in the world is going on in peoples heads? It really scares me and almost makes me feel bad for bringing children in this world. On top of it all, every two years the world is supposed to end. Trust me, i don't care what anyone says, it won't be a natural cause. The end of this world is going to be because of something that we are going to do to ruin it all. I mean, everyone is crazy. Everyone is over obsessed with all of the wrong things. Why are we caring about drug dealers of weed when killers and sex offenders are roaming the streets? Why aren't we fixing this economy, probably because no one can find a good job! Why aren't we doing something about our health care system or all the robberies and rapes or all the gases that are going up into our air or all the diseases that kill people daily or the terrible education that our kids are getting? Instead we are more worried about the stupid shit that just doesn't matter. Who cares if two gays get married? If you don't like it, so what. It really isn't up to you to take away someones freedom because YOU don't think its right. And really, they aren't ruining marriage, straight people are! And really, who cares if a lady wants to get an abortion? Think they are going to hell? So what, its not your place to play God and take away someones freedom of choice in a country that is all about personal freedoms. And i am sorry, but if my life was at stake and was only 10 weeks pregnant, I'd get one too! call me stubborn, tell me going to hell, well i will see you there for judging people instead of concentrating on how you are living your own life.

I swear, people really piss me off. When are people going to learn to stop playing God and just do something useful with there lives?

Calm.

I realized today that i don't like it when things are calm. I don't enjoy stupid high school dramas or bad news, but i like it when there is a lot of things going on around me. Every now and then its okay for things to be calm, but mostly i like it when there is a lot happening around me. Like, for example, i have a giant to do list and i couldn't be happier. It gives me a purpose to wake up and get dressed in the morning, and i love doing a lot of things that are helping me and my boyfriend get some extra money saved.

The other night we had enough money saved that we actually took ourselves out to dinner. Grant it, i felt guilty after because it was so much (okay it was like 50$ with the tip) and i thought that we should have spent it on groceries, but still it was nice to just sit down and have a nice meal. We have struggled with money every since we have been together, so being able to have money saved and to spend a little on ourselves was really nice. Of course, everyone stared at us as usual, but i didn't even have time to pay attention to it.


Actually, i really need to go do somethings right now, but later on tonight i will be writing more on my blog. Since i know i haven't written in awhile! I am so disappointed in myself with that, i really do need to keep better tabs on here!

Passion, Pregnancy and Baby Shower's

The three topics i want to talk about tonight.

Me and my boyfriend had sex for the first time in months the other night, only it wasn't sex. It was sensitive, it was passionate and caring, it was making love. He was very sweet about the whole thing, and just the way he kissed me so tenderly just showed me how much he loved me. You see those cliche love-making scenes in movies and you think "those never happen in real life" and well lets face it usually doesn't with a man who has raging hormones. I got lucky, and lets face it, it was way more amazing then i can imagine.

Then, the next night, he showed even more passion to me that i have never seen before. I was laying on my back in bed, and he came and laid down right beside me on his side facing me. He put on headphone on his ear, and another on the the bottom of my stomach by the baby's head. Then i held it there while he turned his ipod on a temptations song ("It was just my imagination") and put his hand right by mine, and he got right by my ear and sang the song to me really soft. The baby started kicking and wiggling, and all i could think is we may not have much, but man are we one cute family. My boyfriend sat there and rubbed his nose against my cheek and kept kissing my cheeks and nose and singing to me so soft and so sweet. It was so romantic, plus we ended up holding hands on my tummy while holding his ear phone on it and feeling the baby move. It was just one of those perfect movies that again you see in a movie and wish for in real life. Except, once again, i was lucky enough to have it. He kept singing songs in my ear softly or singing to the baby until i actually fell asleep. And when i woke up the next morning, there was his hand, still on my stomach on top of mine and that ear phone. There was his sweet face, right by mine. I moved a little and he automatically grabbed me around my waist real tight, kissed me on the cheek and wouldn't let me go. I just rolled and faced him, buried my face in his chest and went back to sleep.

Moments like those, are the ones that i love in my life.
I had my family baby shower today. It was incredible, especially seeing what everyone got me. People from my dads work all put money together and they bought me all this baby stuff and wrapped it together as a giant gift basket. There was a tub, clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles, pacifiers, toys, rubber ducky's, lotion, gas drops, everything! It was so incredible. But was really sad was after my shower my mom, my aunt, and my cousin were all just sitting around talking. They were all telling stories about parenting and when i was little, and my cousin told this story that i still can't get out of my head. My grandmother died when i was 13 months old, and for some reason i have always had this bond to her. My cousin said she remembers going to see my maw maw and then walking down the hospital hallway leaving, and how i just piddled past her real fast just walking down the hallway, and she remembers thinking that that would be the last time that we would see her. She said it was like she was leaving behind death and ahead of her was the start of a brand new life. Somehow i remember that, although I'm not sure how. I just remember walking down that hallway, and the way i felt sadness. My mom and aunt started crying since that was there mom that died, but i kind of wanted to also. My grandma taught me to work, and after she died my mother never once mentioned the word maw maw to me. Yet, once morning i woke up with pinch marks on my tummy, and when she asked me who did it i replied "maw maw did". Well, and how else would i know who she was unless she told me to. She is my guardian angel, and i swear its like this presence of hers still protects me. Sometimes i get mad at her, but its only because there are so many times i want her around, since my other grandma i was never close too, and there are so many times i want to be able to talk to her and get answers. Like now, since she was pregnant at 16 too and got married to my grandfather. They were so happy, up until the day that she died, and they were so in love. Just looking into his eyes you can still see it. I want to know how she made it work, especially since she did it at a very different time then me. I also think about how she died from lung cancer, at such a young age (40 something) and how i don't know what i would do if i lost my boyfriend so young. It scares me too, seeing not only the sadness in my grandfathers eyes but also in everyone who remembers her because she was such a good person. I don't know if i would be able to do it. That scares me. I don't want me or my family that we created going through that sadness that i have seen my family go through.