Wednesday, September 23


i question whether or not two people really can fall and stay in love for there entire life. Of course i guess that all depends on how old you are, so maybe i wonder how long can two people stay in love?

And what happens when one person falls out of love, but they want to still be in love? What makes this happen? Is it one thing, or just a bunch of things over time that just make you eventually give up?

I think thats what i have done. I act happy and keep my mouth shut about everything that bothers me, and i never have stuck up for myself. Now i want to love my boyfriend, but too many little things that have gotten to me and that i have just let go over time are all adding up to be too much.

Like today, he and his friend were supposed to JUST go to his brothers for a minute, he swore that he wouldnt be long. He calls me, they have this girl we are all friends with in the car and there just laughing and joking, and they also had addded a bunch of places they were going. I got so mad, why did no one think that maybe i wanted to come and get out of the house for awhile? Why was i the one who got stuck at home? Why did no one think that this seemed kind of mean to me?

Of course, as usual, i just did nothing. I hung up the phone while they were all talking, and yet ne never called back to say i love you or anything. He didn't even kiss me bye or tell me he loved me. Everytime he is around this friend he changes. And he always makes me the bad guy, like before they left he was like "oh i gotta be home soon you know" and i was thinking what the fuck? I never said shit about you having to come home! :(

I dont know, it makes me wonder what he tells people about me, and how he makes me seem to other people. Does he always make it out to were i am the bad guy?

I am just scared that maybe i wasn't ready for a family. Do i love my boyfriend? Most of the time. Do i love my little boy? With every inch of my soul i do. Do i regret doing this? No. But at the same time, i wish i had waited. I spent all day cleaning and running errands and spoiling my boyfriend for his birthday. I got him a nice present and everything.

What did i get for mine? Not shit. I understand he has bills to pay, but shit i dont even have a job and still i found a way to get him something. Of course, then again, every ounce of my money goes to him.

I am going to apply for a job on sunday, my friend says she can hook me up. If i get it, i am totally lying about how much my paychecks are, and so that way i can sneak part of it out for myself. Put it into savings and just use it for whatever i feel like it, stuff on me or my baby, but NOT my boyfriend.

They left 2 hours ago, and still i have NO IDEA were they are. What pisses me off more is that i gave him my debit card to take some money out for something and now i want to go get something andof course i cant because I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY!

I just wonder how long i can keep my mouth shut before i just leave, and to tell you the truth i KNOW that it isn't going to be a lifetime, that is for sure! The worst part? is that when i do feel that i cant take it any longer, it is going to completely break my heart do leave, but honestly im coming to the point were i dont know what else to do. And truthfully, i dont think he would care if i left.

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