God and Crime.

First off, i truly believe that from this day forward no one has the right to talk to me about God. There are several reasons behind this, and i will try to organize them all as i go along. the main reason is because out of every one in this world i can not make myself believe that i am such a bad human being that i am on the top of the list of going to hell. I had sex before marriage-yes. I have had my time of telling white lies-yes. I am going to be living with a man without owning a wedding ring-yes. But really, since when are those rules really realistic in this world now a days? I mean, since when can any teenager really control his/her hormones anymore? And i think i am doing pretty well in this world. I don't cheat on my man. I love him with all my heart and one day, yes i am going to marry him, but me getting pregnant is not a reason to get married. Being in love on the other hand, is. I think that we actually do better then many married couples. We both love each other with everything we have, we work hard to do well in this world, we work even harder to get everything ready for the baby, we have life goals that work with each other, we never lie to one another, we are completely honest with each other and talk about everything. We are best friends before we are lovers. I mean really, you won't ever seeing us getting a divorce. So just because i am not married to him i am going to hell? Even though we are doing a fine job of building a good, honest life together?
Another thing is i don't believe any one has the right to judge my life and tell me what i am doing wrong. No one has ever stepped in my shoes, no one has ever seen or been through what i have. God let all of the bad things happen to me, and i think i am doing DAMN well for what i have been through. I think that if anything God is proud of how well i am doing. Yeah, i have made my mistakes, but i have also been baptised in order to be forgiven to them. I haven't killed or raped or physically harmed anyone(that bad. Who hasn't been in a fight?) I haven't ever denied the fact that i believe in God (now that i am sure i do believe in him.) I plan on going to a church every Sunday, once i find one that i like. I plan on reading about the bible and learning more about God. As far as i am concerned, i am doing a lot better in this world than many people are, and after everything i have been through the last thing i need is people judging my life when they have never been in my shoes.
Also, i don't agree with what anyone says. I believe that bibles are edited and there are many books of it that we have never read. I don't believe that homosexuals or interracial couples are going to hell. I think that race or sex of a person is merely a trait of them, just like the color of your eyes or hair. In fact, i think it takes a lot of courage, love, and self-esteem to go through this world holding the hand of someone of a different color or same sex. I would personally know about the different color one, trust me learning to ignore the people who stare at you or actually tell you are doing wrong is really hard. You have to have a tough skin to say fuck you! and move on. Plus, i believe that everyone believes in the same thing, and i hate that. In my opinion, everyone really needs to learn to get a bunch of different facts about something and then make your own opinion after learning what you can and taking a look at this world. But no one forms there own opinions anymore, they just listen to what people tell them without really looking at how what they believe affects or applies to others. If it fits them and helps them sleep at night, they just go with it. Even if it hurts or offends others.
Plus, the last time i looked, no one was allowed to judge me but God. No one on this planet is perfect and EVERYONE has sinned, so who is anyone to judge me and play God? I mean really, who thinks they have the right? God's judgement is the only one that i will ever care about, and i truly hope i can raise my child to believe the same.

Now onto crime. My dad called the police station, and guess what? There is no tape of me and my boyfriend being pulled over, and since i don't remember the officer's names they can't get in trouble for not having a tape of it or for what they did to us. Imagine that, how convenient. It almost makes me want to go to that gas station and see if they are there just to get there badge numbers and get them into trouble.

Onto the next thing, what in the hell is wrong with people nowadays? I mean, women being killed and there babies stolen out of the womb? Children coming up missing and found dead and molested? What in the world is going on in peoples heads? It really scares me and almost makes me feel bad for bringing children in this world. On top of it all, every two years the world is supposed to end. Trust me, i don't care what anyone says, it won't be a natural cause. The end of this world is going to be because of something that we are going to do to ruin it all. I mean, everyone is crazy. Everyone is over obsessed with all of the wrong things. Why are we caring about drug dealers of weed when killers and sex offenders are roaming the streets? Why aren't we fixing this economy, probably because no one can find a good job! Why aren't we doing something about our health care system or all the robberies and rapes or all the gases that are going up into our air or all the diseases that kill people daily or the terrible education that our kids are getting? Instead we are more worried about the stupid shit that just doesn't matter. Who cares if two gays get married? If you don't like it, so what. It really isn't up to you to take away someones freedom because YOU don't think its right. And really, they aren't ruining marriage, straight people are! And really, who cares if a lady wants to get an abortion? Think they are going to hell? So what, its not your place to play God and take away someones freedom of choice in a country that is all about personal freedoms. And i am sorry, but if my life was at stake and was only 10 weeks pregnant, I'd get one too! call me stubborn, tell me going to hell, well i will see you there for judging people instead of concentrating on how you are living your own life.

I swear, people really piss me off. When are people going to learn to stop playing God and just do something useful with there lives?

Calm.

I realized today that i don't like it when things are calm. I don't enjoy stupid high school dramas or bad news, but i like it when there is a lot of things going on around me. Every now and then its okay for things to be calm, but mostly i like it when there is a lot happening around me. Like, for example, i have a giant to do list and i couldn't be happier. It gives me a purpose to wake up and get dressed in the morning, and i love doing a lot of things that are helping me and my boyfriend get some extra money saved.

The other night we had enough money saved that we actually took ourselves out to dinner. Grant it, i felt guilty after because it was so much (okay it was like 50$ with the tip) and i thought that we should have spent it on groceries, but still it was nice to just sit down and have a nice meal. We have struggled with money every since we have been together, so being able to have money saved and to spend a little on ourselves was really nice. Of course, everyone stared at us as usual, but i didn't even have time to pay attention to it.


Actually, i really need to go do somethings right now, but later on tonight i will be writing more on my blog. Since i know i haven't written in awhile! I am so disappointed in myself with that, i really do need to keep better tabs on here!

Passion, Pregnancy and Baby Shower's

The three topics i want to talk about tonight.

Me and my boyfriend had sex for the first time in months the other night, only it wasn't sex. It was sensitive, it was passionate and caring, it was making love. He was very sweet about the whole thing, and just the way he kissed me so tenderly just showed me how much he loved me. You see those cliche love-making scenes in movies and you think "those never happen in real life" and well lets face it usually doesn't with a man who has raging hormones. I got lucky, and lets face it, it was way more amazing then i can imagine.

Then, the next night, he showed even more passion to me that i have never seen before. I was laying on my back in bed, and he came and laid down right beside me on his side facing me. He put on headphone on his ear, and another on the the bottom of my stomach by the baby's head. Then i held it there while he turned his ipod on a temptations song ("It was just my imagination") and put his hand right by mine, and he got right by my ear and sang the song to me really soft. The baby started kicking and wiggling, and all i could think is we may not have much, but man are we one cute family. My boyfriend sat there and rubbed his nose against my cheek and kept kissing my cheeks and nose and singing to me so soft and so sweet. It was so romantic, plus we ended up holding hands on my tummy while holding his ear phone on it and feeling the baby move. It was just one of those perfect movies that again you see in a movie and wish for in real life. Except, once again, i was lucky enough to have it. He kept singing songs in my ear softly or singing to the baby until i actually fell asleep. And when i woke up the next morning, there was his hand, still on my stomach on top of mine and that ear phone. There was his sweet face, right by mine. I moved a little and he automatically grabbed me around my waist real tight, kissed me on the cheek and wouldn't let me go. I just rolled and faced him, buried my face in his chest and went back to sleep.

Moments like those, are the ones that i love in my life.
I had my family baby shower today. It was incredible, especially seeing what everyone got me. People from my dads work all put money together and they bought me all this baby stuff and wrapped it together as a giant gift basket. There was a tub, clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles, pacifiers, toys, rubber ducky's, lotion, gas drops, everything! It was so incredible. But was really sad was after my shower my mom, my aunt, and my cousin were all just sitting around talking. They were all telling stories about parenting and when i was little, and my cousin told this story that i still can't get out of my head. My grandmother died when i was 13 months old, and for some reason i have always had this bond to her. My cousin said she remembers going to see my maw maw and then walking down the hospital hallway leaving, and how i just piddled past her real fast just walking down the hallway, and she remembers thinking that that would be the last time that we would see her. She said it was like she was leaving behind death and ahead of her was the start of a brand new life. Somehow i remember that, although I'm not sure how. I just remember walking down that hallway, and the way i felt sadness. My mom and aunt started crying since that was there mom that died, but i kind of wanted to also. My grandma taught me to work, and after she died my mother never once mentioned the word maw maw to me. Yet, once morning i woke up with pinch marks on my tummy, and when she asked me who did it i replied "maw maw did". Well, and how else would i know who she was unless she told me to. She is my guardian angel, and i swear its like this presence of hers still protects me. Sometimes i get mad at her, but its only because there are so many times i want her around, since my other grandma i was never close too, and there are so many times i want to be able to talk to her and get answers. Like now, since she was pregnant at 16 too and got married to my grandfather. They were so happy, up until the day that she died, and they were so in love. Just looking into his eyes you can still see it. I want to know how she made it work, especially since she did it at a very different time then me. I also think about how she died from lung cancer, at such a young age (40 something) and how i don't know what i would do if i lost my boyfriend so young. It scares me too, seeing not only the sadness in my grandfathers eyes but also in everyone who remembers her because she was such a good person. I don't know if i would be able to do it. That scares me. I don't want me or my family that we created going through that sadness that i have seen my family go through.

Racism.

Last night i finally got the first shock of my life. I am used to people staring at me and my boyfriend like we are ruining the world. I am used to cops following us around grocery stores because they assume we are criminals. I am used to people telling me i am going to hell because i am dating a black guy. I am especially used to the people who pretend they accept it when they actually don't. But last night was the first time that we actually got harassed because we are together. And, little do the cops know, this is leading to a lawsuit.

Me and my boyfriend went to a gas station around 1 am this morning because he wanted some nachos and i was thirsty. We go to this gas station all the time because it has the best snacks, we go so much we actually know the people that work there. When we pulled up, there were three cop cars in the parking lot. Two of them were leaving as we were walking in. The whole time we were in there, the chief of police (that's who the last cop car was for) stared my boyfriend up and down like he was the worst person on the planet. When we left, we went to the light by the gas station to wait for the green light so we could go home. As we sat there, we saw the two cop cars that had just leave actually come all the way down back the street and pull into the shopping center right across the street from us, they parked on either side of a taco bell that's in the parking lot and just sat there. As i got my green light, i pulled onto the street in between us and one of the cop cars pulled out behind us. We both knew then something was up. Then, i got into a turn lane (that doesn't really turn it just merges onto the road?) and waited for the green light before going, and as soon as i did they turned on there lights and pulled us over. I pulled into the shopping center and then the other cop car drived across the parking lot and pulled in front of my car. The cop car behind us immediately shined a ridiculously bright spotlight on my car and told me to step out. I did, and then the lady who was driving proceeded to ask me all these ridiculous questions. She asked for my information, and i gave her my license but told her i didn't have time to get my registration or insurance because she told me to get out of the car. She said it didn't matter, she didn't need it. (Since when on a routine stop DON'T you need that?) I asked her why we got pulled over, and she just kept asking me questions. She asked were i lived, who's car it was, were i was going, were i was coming from (as if they didn't know we were JUST at the gas station), etc. The whole time though, two guy cops were kind of near my boyfriend who was just sitting in the passengers seat. One of the cops actually was black, but he left once he talked to my boyfriend for a second, and once he left, the other White guy cop asked my boyfriend to step out of the car. The lady asked if i had anything in the car and i told her no, why would we? She asked to search it, and i told her no, i knew i had the right to say no, but i really didn't see how using any of my rights would help me out in this situation. I asked her if they had something against my boyfriend and she said no, it was routine!?! She asked if i had anything on me, but but i told her no so she left me alone and started looking in my car. Then i saw my boyfriend get put up against my car, legs spread wide, and saw him searched so thoroughly that they even made him take off his shoes. They asked for his ID (and i knew why, to see if he was in any trouble so they could take him in. GUESS WHAT! HE DOESN'T!!) but he didn't have it. Didn't think he needed it since we were just making a quick run to the gas station. Then, after being searched like we were crack dealers, he put my boyfriend in the back of the cop car! I gave the man a funny look, he asked me what was wrong and i said i wanted to know why they put him in the back seat, he said for precautions. (Really? They just searched him, and he was nice to the cops the entire time.. since when did he give them any reason to get harassed like this?) and then they finished searching my car. Then she said that the reason i was pulled over (finally I'm getting an answer since they didn't find shit in my car!) was cause i didn't use a turn signal? So all this for a turn signal? Really ? Then why didn't she care about the insurance or registration? Whatever. I said okay and then turned and didn't move until they let my boyfriend out of the back seat. We both got in the car, and all my boyfriend could say was he felt violated. Really, i felt violated for him. I don't think me or my boyfriend have ever been treated like that. Getting looks from random people is one thing, getting harassed like this is an ENTIRELY different. Later my boyfriend told me that the white cop asked him what was wrong before pulling him out of the car, he told him that we didn't have money to pay for a ticket since we have a baby on the way. The white cop goes "why do you think your getting a ticket" and he goes "well, we did just get pulled over."

When i told my mom about it the next day, i almost started crying because of the whole thing. I felt violated, not just for me but for my boyfriend. Why should we have to deal with this in our lives just because we are together? How am i supposed to raise a mixed baby and teach him that race doesn't matter when to so many people it still does? How am i supposed to teach him to not look at peoples color when in the end it affects the whole entire world. It really hurts me, and that is why i am suing the BR police department, not because of what we had to go through, but also because if i stand up for me and my boyfriend then this world will change a little, and that way my child can grow up knowing to keep his head up and fight for his rights. I can't completely change the world, but i can make a little of a difference.

I just wish i had gotten there badge numbers, but there always at that gas station, so i plan on getting them. My parents are so mad because they see my boyfriend as family, so my mom has talked to people at a law firm and my dad has already made plans to call the BR police department and get the tape of the whole thing as evidence. You see, these cops obviously didn't realize who they were messing with. Not just me and my boyfriend, but also our family's, our friends, the people my parents work with, and everyone else who is behind is making it in this world. And my parents are the ones they really have to be worried about it. My dad See's my boyfriend as family, and he sees that everyone in his family is protected. So he really, messed with the wrong people.

So i guess i don't have to be worried, my boyfriend will grow up around a bunch of strong people who will teach him race matters to others, but to forget all of them and just learn that race isn't anything but a way to make people look different just as someone with curly hair does. :) And, in the end, he will grow up keeping his head up from beginning to end, even if i have to hold it up for him sometimes.

People Change.

I talked to an old friend the other day, a girl i haven't seen since i was in school and one i haven't talked to in so long. She told me about her and her boyfriend and how she asked him about some girl in his phone and he started throwing stuff and breaking stuff. Including the walls, which affected her because the apartment was in her name and she doesn't have money to pay for the repairs. She told me that she was almost three months pregnant and never sleeps and always stresses because of him. I felt so bad for her, and told her that when me and my baby get our place she can feel free to come over and stay anytime (since we applied for our apartment on Monday!! did i mention that already?). It just got me to thinking because she doesn't want to leave him but she really wants him to grow up and start calming down since they have a baby on the way. I could completely agree.

No one tells you what you will have to deal with when you are pregnant. No one told me that you turn into a horny-disgusting feeling-man-menopausal-hormonal-woman. Well, at least that is the best way i can describe being pregnant in a couple of words. You also change when you get pregnant, maybe not at first or all at once, but you go. Not only do you see the world differently, but you grow up a lot too. You also start to realize why your parents did all those things to you when you were littler that you hated! But men don't really change. Maybe they do once the baby comes, but they sure don't while your pregnant, which makes things very hard. There you are, growing up and maturing emotionally, and there just the same old man they were before. It puts a lot of strain on your relationship, which just makes you more worried about your relationship and future with them. Maybe its like the quote "Women become mothers when they get pregnant, men become fathers when they see there baby." Only instead, it says "Women grow up when they get pregnant, men grow up when they see there baby"

But, i guess that is kind of saying the same thing. I mean, after all, why else am i changing? Why else do i see things differently? Why else do i think and feel different about everything, and why are all of my priorities different? Not just because i am pregnant, but because i am becoming a mother. I am being patient with my boyfriend, because i see how happy and excited he is for this baby to come, it is just hard that sometimes he is less mature then me and he is 8 years older then me. But, i guess i just have to wait until the baby comes, and we will see what happens then.

I seem to still kind of be stuck in the middle of the old and new me. Like, on one hand, after i have this baby all i want to do is party (since ill be 18 soon) and work at a restaurant as a server and chill with my friends and work hard to not only get my baby stuff but also get me a whole new cute wardrobe and workout hard to get my baby back. But, on the other hand, i just want to stay at home and be with my baby and work from home to get him all $1,220 worth of stuff that i have on his registry and save money to make him an adorable nursery. It makes me wonder, is there a middle ground? I think it seems very difficult to find the middle ground, but it seems that i cant choose whether to be just the old or new me. I don't know if it is because all of my friends (and even my boyfriend-for now?) are with the old me, or if i am just not ready to be the new me. I want to be a good mother, but i still want to have my fun as a 18 year old too. Grant it, either way i don't want to go out EVERY weekend getting shit faced, but i do want to go to a club for one night (to dance with friends, not to drink). And i do want to have cute outfits and a place to wear them. Sure, i want to take my baby to the aquarium and zoo, but i also want to take days to just go to the mall and spend some cash on me and baby, not bills. I just wonder if maybe once the baby gets here if one of the Me's will take over, or if i will actually find the balance between the two.

Men VS Women

I have always wondered, why do men have such a problem with listening? And, when they do actually take the effort to really listen, do they never hear exactly what we are trying to say? Its not like we are expecting them to decode our words and we are definitely not speaking another language, so why is it hard for them to just listen to the words we are saying, and take them in instead of switching them around to mean something totally different. Why do they sit there and laugh when we are being completely serious, and get all angry when we are just trying to talk. They say that they don't want to fight, yet get all defensive when we are just trying to talk? And why in the world does it always end up that we do more in the relationship then them?

I have looked at me and two of my friends who are in serious relationships, all three of us friends but yet all three of us are very different, and the men we date are even more different. Yet, in the end, all of us do more for them then they do for us, and in the end they all have a terrible problem with listening and understanding us. We all have different age differences with them too, so i know this isn't something that has to do with anything except that men suck and women rock. What i have also noticed, however, is that all 6 of us have our escape from the other person.

Relationship one: My friend and her boyfriend. She is so sweet and innocent, does good in school, has fun and has been slowly getting a little wilder, but still not by much. He is an asshole(although not around her), has been dealing drugs for ages behind her back, etc. And they are both the same age, about to enter college this august.Her escape was this boy she had a crush on, and his was doing drugs behind her back. Now, she knocked the other guy out of her life, so i guess that the drugs are both of there escapes. Which worries me, because he is so terrible for her and makes her feel so low down and like she never can see any of her friends or he gets all mad, and so he has like singled her out away from the world so that she needs him, but that's another subject all together. :/ Back to my main point...

Relationship two: My other friend and her boyfriend. She is wild and outgoing, does okay in school, and works hard. He works and lives with his brother and cousin, and is really rugged and country, but also loves parting and such. She is gonna be a senior this year, while he is already in high school. Her escape is being able to flirt with boys at work, since none of them know she has a boyfriend. His escape is porn and online chat rooms. Now, grant it, neither of them like each others escapes, but in the end they both deal with it because they know there not willing to give up there own escape. And, well since both of there escapes are innocent and not threatening the relationship, they stay the cute happy wild couple that they are.

Relationship three: Me and my boyfriend. I don't really know what to say about me, and he is just my boyfriend ha ha. I should be going to college this august, and he should be out of college by now. My boyfriends escape is porn, and smoking. Porn not so much anymore since I stay with him basically every night now (Not my request, his! Don't think I'm an annoying clingy girlfriend. We just happen to be best friends and dating, it works out good, although sometimes i do just gotta take a day off from him ha ha.) My escape, well, i used to have plenty of them, but now they are all gone. Smoking-cant while I'm pregnant. Running-i am too nervous to do it while I'm pregnant. Flirting-who wants to flirt with a pregnant chick? So for awhile, i did join Mocospace.com and add a bunch of guys and chatted with them, and put up old pre-prego pictures of me, but i deleted it out of guilt. So i guess my escape now is just writing. I not only have this journal, but also i have a regular old notebook that i write in every night. Any who.


Maybe escapes are normal? Maybe they make a relationship work? But one thing i can't get over, is that girls generally spoil a man more then they spoil the girls. For example, when my baby is sick, i get him everything he needs and make sure he rest and i completely baby him. When i was feeling bad last night, he did nothing but stay up late playing video games.

Then, i told him he needs to just forget about getting something to smoke cause we need to save money, and he couldn't get over it. He acted like i should feel sorry for him because he hadn't had none in a week, and yet i have quit cold turkey for 8 months now while watching him do it all the time. And i got mad, cause he knows how hard it has been for me, and i wanted him to quit while i was pregnant at least to support me but he wouldn't even do that. He did for the first few months, and then when i really was emotionally unstable and needed him to talk to, he was too busy doing other things. It was really irritated, and i just wanted to punch him in the face last night :) But, i didn't, and i also didn't bring it up. I decided to let it slide and just bring it up before we decide to have another child. Because, he needs to learn to sacrifice some too and really be there for me next pregnancy or hes not getting another kid (and he does want another one too! He even talks about our wedding all the time) cause I'm not doing this feeling so alone all over again. I mean, yeah i had my friends but in the end everyone wants to be able to talk to there boyfriends about all this. Thank god my hormonal times are over with!!! :)

Lets just hope i remember to talk to him about it whenever we decide to have another child(and actually plan this one!), and lets hope we don't have another accident(although this one is completely loved, but we really need to get on our feet before we have another one). Note to self: Get better birth control

"Two more hours until i get to see my baby's!!! :)" <-text from him awhile back, and the reason i love him. I keep that text to remind me why i love him ;) he he.

ADOPTION & ABORTION

When you get pregnant, nothing is easy, not even from the beginning. The first choice i had to make was, am i going to have this baby, and if i did, would i keep it or give it up. I believe that every woman has the right to choose whether abortion is right for her. I believe that abortion is wrong for me, but if my life was threatened yeah i would have one. I believe that no matter if i think it is right or not, it is not my governments job to put limits on it, because its none of there problems to butt in on someones personal freedoms. Anyone who thinks different can kiss my ass. My boyfriend also believes abortion is wrong, but of course he is a man so it is harder for him to understand all the situations women get put in when it comes to being pregnant.

For example, i was once pregnant once before when i was really young, and it was with a boyfriend that hit me. I was 4 1/2 months when i told him i was leaving him and i was expecting child support, and then he beat me until i lost the baby. I knew that that baby felt something, and that was something in my life that i will never forget. I still flinch every time someone raises there hand real fast, even if it is to grab something. I will always be over protective of my children, even when it comes to my boyfriend holding him. Why? because of that experience. I should have known that this baby would not have grown up in an okay world even if i had had him, so i should have had an abortion. Especially since he wouldn't have felt it then, but i believe that when i did lose him he did feel it. Trust me, i am still traumatized thinking about it. So i can understand how abortion would be okay in some situations.

But with this pregnancy, it didn't fit me. My mom did bring it up to me when i first told her, but of course the next day after apologized and didn't understand how she could expect me to do it. My cousin wanted me to, but then again she still doesn't see me being a good parent. But, since my last pregnancy (no I'm not some hoe, but accidents happen. Especially when your in a destructive relationship, which is what my first pregnancy happened in) i have grown a lot. I have grown up emotionally and mentally, i have become a stronger and more confident person, i have set goals for myself and my life and have even adjusted them to this baby. I have a boyfriend who has goals that fit mine and who is strong enough to help me during my pregnancy and to help raise the baby. We love each other and really just fit each other so well, that we are going to make a really good home for this child to grow up in. This baby was made by two people who truly love each other, and we couldn't be happier to have him. Not only are our family's happy to meet him, but so are friends, people my parents work with, etc. Why would abortion fit this situation?

Then there was adoption, which was definitely never an option. The first time i felt my baby move, i felt like there was more to life then we can ever understand, and that you never truly know what love is until you have a child. Now, grant it, i wish that sometimes he would calm his little self down in there when i am trying to sleep, but i have never loved anything more then i have loved this baby. I have dreams about what my baby will look like and the first time i can hold him and comfort him when he cries, how could i ever be expected to give it up after i have held him in my tummy 9 months and giving birth to him and hearing my baby cry and seeing him? Now, grant it, if adoption is something you are doing or have done, i don't think there is anything wrong with this either. But i will admit, you are way stronger then i have ever been, because i am just not strong enough to handle that.

so in the end, since these choices are not for me, i have chosen the last choice of mommy-ism. Grant it, this one last a lifetime, and it doesn't ever get easy. But, i think its worth it, and although i understand why you wouldn't choose this choice, as much as i never though mommy-ism is right for me, i guess when it comes down to it, it is. And i couldn't be happier that it is (:

16 and pregnant.

Is the most ridiculus show i think i have ever seen. These teenagers who get pregnant are barely even stressed about there baby, they worry more about prom and there boyfriends. No wonder teenage moms get a bad rep. Do you know what i worry about on a daily basis? Things we need for our baby, things we gotta do before he gets here, resting enough so he doesn't come early, etc. I didn't even ever have a prom, and i didn't have a graduation either. Why? Cause i put my baby first. Yeah, it sucked. I won't even lie, the other day when i saw my friends being able to go clubbin, i cried. It was too much, but in the end, this baby is way more important then all that. I gave all that up for a reason. And they always rely on there parents, which is ridiculus.

I am about to move out, and yeah i get help from the government for things like health insurance but that is because I can not afford it and even if my parents could, its not there problem too. Do you know what i did today? I didn't hang out with my friends, i didn't go to high school and hear about all the drama, i didn't plan out a summer vacation, hell i didn't even plan out college plans. Instead, i went to the doctors, signed my consent forms, looked at some apartments, called WIC and the pediatrician that i want for my baby, called the SS office about getting a copy of my boyfriends social security card, oh and i updated my registry with things that we still need that i didn't think of. I mean, these kids on the show are so ridiculus, and then they wonder why it is so hard whenever the baby actually comes.

And you know, people say all my life plans will be ruined, that is just ridiculus too. Do you know how many grants i can get for college? Yeah, my track scholarships are out of the question, but that isn't the only way i am getting in. Like for example, I have so many ways to make money at home that once i get them all up and running me and my boyfriend can afford for him to quit his job and go to barber school. I will stay at home and work and also do online college for medical transcriptionist. Then, once he graduates he will really be able to make good money. Also, once i get out of that online college i can make like 50,000 a year depening on what type of office i work for. Then, since he will be working days, i will stay at home doing that, and during the night i will go to actual college for Physical therapy, which is my dream. So what if it gets put off, it is so worth it. Plus, i don't want to leave my baby in day care cause those people are CRAZY, so i will only work as a physical therapist once he goes into pre-school and i will only work while he's there. Then i'll still do medical transcriptionist part time for some extra cash.

Now, i know it will be a lot of work, but it is possible. Grant it, I have finally gotten over the looks people gave me, but its gonna be even better when i prove them all wrong. And, my aunt had kids young and ended up getting her doctorate and teaching at a university. Now, all her kids are grown, she lives in a Condo that she owns in downtown memphis and she does just fine. She still even makes time to go out on weekend and parties. So basically those kids on the show-retarded and so dumb. Those kids really shouldn't have a baby.


Now on to another thing that has really made me mad, driving. I hate driving nowadays cause i swear people drive so stupid that i feel so scared i will die in my own car one of these days. I drive like a granny now that i am pregnant(okay, i still speed a little, but i dont do anything dangerous) but im so sick of people cutting me off like i don't have a damn child in my car. People say that cars are gonna be the death of us, but know, inconsiderate idiots are. People are so self-absorbed in there own lives that they could give a shit less about anyone else. And i am so sick of people in big trucks or big SUVs thinking they own this road, especially the ones that cut you off because there on there damn cell phones. As if i am not terrified of driving because of my last wreck and im pregnant, but its EVERYDAY that i get so close to getting hit because of some FUCKING idiot who doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.

Sorry, i just got a little irratated today, its all getting to me, and i just needed to let it all go :) I feel a lot better now. This world really is a stupid and self-absorbed place nowadays.

Crunch Time.

My beach weekend was amazingly relaxing, and it was something i definitey needed. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster but this weekend helped me just forget everything. I got back to baton rouge and saw my baby, and spent the night with him. I missed him a lot, but not enough to ruin my vacation. Now that i am back though, i feel like i should have just stayed home and gotten more work done. Me and my boyfriend have been looking at apartments, but it seems that the only ones we can afford are crappy or in a terrible area. I am hoping we can get one for 850 that includes all bills even cable, but i don't think that my boyfriend makes enough money a month to meet there requirements. Also, i will be 36 weeks tomorrow, and man am i nervous.

Monday, however, me and my boyfriend went to a 4d Ultrasound place to try and see my baby, but he was a little too stubborn to let us see him. He at first had his hands covering his face. Then we saw him blinking and yawning, but it wasn't clear enough to get cute pictures. Then, we saw him with his little hand in his mouth. We also got to see his "chestnuts" as the ultrasound tech put it, but they were so big they actually made her uncomfortable hehe. This made my boyfriend very proud. Although they couldnt get a good view of him or any pictures, seeing what we did see made us both melt, and made my boyfriend so happy and excited. He told EVERYONE exactly what happened during the appointment, and when i was laying on his bed and he was talking to his room mate in the other room i heard him say that he was getting really excited especially after that. I won't lie, I am too. But we still have TONS to do before we are ready.

I have been working hard at getting money together and our apartment, and we are actually better on money then i thought we were going to be. Also, We will be able to buy his crib soon. I am almost done packing my hospital bags, and right now i am working on samples for my company and expanding my avon clients. The good thing is, once i get my website up for my company i can make flyers and stick them in my avon catalogs, i'm sure they won't mind.

Feeling my baby move is so weird now. I mean i LOVE it, but its so different. It just actually is starting to feel like a human and not just weird little movements. I don't really know how else to say it, but its really exciting.

Beach Weekend.

I am leaving for the beach tomorrow, thank god. Yesterday was a lot of fun, but kind of ended bad. I went to campus to eat lunch with my mom and meet my friend to give her avon catalogs. Then i took a nap at my boyfriends, then i brought him to work and met at a restaurant for dinner with my two good friends who i haven't seen in ages. Then after we went to one of there boyfriends house to play video games, but it got bad once they decided to go clubbing. I don't know why, but i started crying on the way home, and i couldn't stop. All i could think is that i should be with them. Like when i first got pregnant they were still in school or under age, so they never did a lot of fun stuff. But now, its summer and im missing out on all the fun. I mean i missed graduation, i missed senior prom, i missed my whole senior year, but this just topped it off. I mean its not like i was mad at them, i was just sad that i missed it. I love this baby and the family that me and my boyfriend are putting together, but i guess now its really hitting me on what i am missing. I tried telling my boyfriend that night, and i didnt even get once sentence out before he was like "Oh i thought it was important." Hes older, he's had his time to have all the fun that he has wanted, i haven't. I didnt even try to talk to him about it, which really sucked cause i just wanted him to hold me so i could just cry and talk to him and let it all out. And i could've really used him to just try and pretend to understand, even though i know there's no way he can understand all i feel right now. Then today he slept all day and after i dropped my car off in the shop for repair i couldn't go back to sleep so i just drove in my temp. car around town to clear my mind and relax. When i got back he asked where i was and i told him i was just driving. He asked what was wrong i said nothing and he says "Idk whats wrong with you but you have no reason to be upset" that really pissed me off. He has no right to tell me what i feel or think, especially when he has no clue what i am going through. He asked if i was gonna tell him what was wrong and i said "No, cause acccording to you i have no reason to be upset. why the hell would i try to talk to you if you wont even try to understand and just be a jerk about it." It was terrible, i just wanted him to be sweet and hold me, not piss me off.

Then on the way to the restaurant yesterday i stopped in the road cause this old lady was turning and was just turning really slow and i was behind her and like i looked in my review mirror and i see this idiot in this huge suv not even looking at what he is doing zooming right twords me, and then he looks forward and i see this terrified look in his face and he slams on his breaks and swerves a little to not hit me. It all happened in a slip second, but i saw all of it and i was just convinced he was going to hit me, just like that other truck did a couple of weeks ago. I was so terrified that i literally cant get those images out of my head anymore, and although i naturally just look behind me in my rear view mirror whenever i stop i really dont want to cause im always scared now a car will hit me, especially since people are idiots and stop at the last moment here.

I guess just lately seeing my friends have all that fun and be so carefree when my life is full of stress, then seeing my boyfriend not even be able to talk to him, and even he has ways he can relax that i cant, it just all seems to be too much. And it makes me feel really alone. Last night in my boyfriends bathroom i prayed to my grandmother who died when i was 1. She had kids early too, and i asked her why did she have to die, sicne she seems to be one of the few people that really can understand what i am going through right now. I don't know why, i tend to have a lot of anger towards her.

At least tomorrow i am going to the beach, and its gonna be just me and my mom. We're leaving saturday morning and coming back sunday afternoon, a short but much needed vacation. I am not thinking about anything this weekend, and i am even leaving my phone turned off since my boyfriend doesn't even have minutes on his phone. And tonight my boyfriend gets off early instead of having to close (so he'll get off at 9 something instead of 1 something) and i hope that we will talk and have a good night together before he leaves. I also hope he will go to bed at the same time as me so he can hold me, since lately he's been playing video games and doing the whole "just one more minute"b/s excuse and i end up falling asleep, alone, before he comes to bed. Which sucks considering that last night when i really needed him to hold me, he did that.

But, whatever. I am relaxed. At least i am trying to stay calm since i have dropped and i am so scared to go in labor soon considering that i am so close to getting my apartment. He just has to wait another two weeks!!! And then he can come anytime after that :/ i am just no so sure he will. Especially since lately i've been going through a lot of stress and emotional rollarcoasters and physically having to do a lot of things and i havent been getting any relaxtion or rest :( and he has been a lot more active lately, and putting me through a lot more sores and pains. Who knows when he will come, but lets just hope its not this weekend!!!

Week 35

As of today, i only have five weeks left!!! I am really excited, anxious, and nervous all at the same time. I had a doctors appointment this morning, everything was fine. I had gained another three pounds in the past two weeks, my blood pressure was low (really surprising! But good), and we heard my baby's heartbeat. I am getting so low and when i stand i have this pressure in my lower tummy that just weighs down on me. I am doing good at getting things done, and I am a little less stressed since i realized that i had calculated our money wrong, and instead of having like 550 in savings we have 610. I know it may not seem like a lot to yall, but to me it is a huge difference. We also found some apartments that are closer to my boyfriends work and cheaper. Although when i went online someone had a complaint from 03/2008 about how there was mold in the apartment, so when we go look at them I am going to mention that. I wont live in a cheaper apartment if there is a chance my baby will get sick, and even if they say that they have fixed it, i may have a mold place look at it before we sign a lease or even apply. I am sorry, but i just can't risk my babys health for nothing.

After my appointment, we took my boyfriends mom Grocery shopping since she STILL doesn't have a car. A little annoying, but we got free food, and we had to give her some forms and such anyhow.

Me and my mom are going to the beach this saturday. I am so happy about this. I have traveled and moved all over the place ever since i was little, so considering the fact that i haven't left Baton Rouge since Spring Breack 2008, this is a much needed relaxing weekend. I don't have a bathing suit, but i just plan on hopefully wearing a old bikini and then just putting a pregnancy cami and shorts over it. We will see how that goes though. Since I am finally about to get out of town, i have started thinking of all the places i have been that i have LOVED. North Carolina, were i was born. Omaha, not so exciting. I've been to NYC, Washington D.C., San Francisco, Colorado(beautiful week in the mountains), Southern Italy(Talented Art trip in high school), London(Drama trip in high schol), florida, Memphis, etc. I really miss traveling, and its scary to think that i won't be able to do it like i always wanted to do now that i have a baby on the way. But i guess that is just how life works.

I saw a preview for a movie called 2012 about the end of the world--since that is apparently when the world is ending? I won't lie, it kind of freaks me out. I try not to think about it, but all i can think is, if it really is true, my kid will only be 2 1/2 when he dies. I will be just about to be 21. Am i doing that math right? Yeah, i think so. I just think its stupid that movie people would go so far as to make so many movies about the end of the world, that is not a topic that should be a form of entertainment. Its a very freaky thing to think about, especially when you have so many things to sort out in your life like i want to. I have so much i want to figure out, so much i want to learn, so much i want to do. And i don't wanna bring a kid in this world if he won't even make it to his 3rd birthday. But, then again, the world was also supposed to end in 2000, and we all know how that turned out.

I have some homework to do, since i only have two online courses left to graduate high school, and i would like to have my degree before i have my child. Plus once i finish these, i can work on my online medical transcriptionist courses, and once i finish those, i can get a at home job making lots of money!!

Love and Lust?

My car died today, again. Second time since i got in my wreck. I realized why, finally. The trunk won't close, so the light in my trunk is always on. And i fixed it. My boyfriend asked if i was going to spend the night again tonight. Ever since he finally quit those white lies, he wants me to stay every night. If i tell him no, he gets really upset. We have a doctor appointment in the morning though, so i will be there early to wake him up and see him.

I have been wondering though, you know how women can fake orgasms, do you think men can fake love? I mean, women have such strong emotions dealing with love and there heart, do you think that maybe men are good at pleasing our hearts just like we are good at pleasing them? I know that men can be good men and that they are capable of love, but do you think they can love as strongly as us, or do you think they just fake it? Maybe, they think they love us as much as we love them, but in the end they don't. Maybe they just can't show it, or they don't realize how strong there feelings are for a woman.

I know this is a short entry, but i have been very busy actually getting things scratched off my to-do list opposed to adding things on.

Holiday Weekend.

That is why i didn't get a chance to update every day, but i have noticed plenty of things this weekend. Saturday my boyfriend had work, and when he got off he had muscle spasms and was throwing up. He said it was because of the heat, i gave him some bayer and it put him to sleep which was good. I went and saw my family, and then when i got back i woke him up and tried to get him to eat, and then we went and saw Transformers. Once again, not as crazy as last fourth of july, but simple and fun and it wore me out. I realized that my boyfriends work place is not very fair in the way that they treat there employees, but unfournately with this economy, we can't really afford for him to quit. It is so painful for him to go through and this isn't the first time, so this is really starting to worry me. Sunday we slept until 2 in the afternoon. Then i went and saw a couple of my friends, then i came back and we ate chili wih his room mates [who seemed to be getting along fine???] then we played Wii all night. It was so good knowing he had all sunday and all day today off of work, and he doesn't work until tomorrow night. And these days have been really relaxing for him. Then today we both woke up to the same thing, his room mates going at it, again. Apparently she doesn't realize this dude doesn't love her"All i want is your big black dick" and "you just use me for booty calls" was some of the things we heard her yelling. There actually was a lot else, but i'd rather not say it. I couldn't even believe they were screaming these kind of things in front of there kids, and it was actually kind of funny cause when she said that first quote up there my boyfriend goes "Well, that and the vibrator i saw in there room" haha. And the oddest part is, when i went out of the room to pee there little boy was talking to me, the guy was sitting on the couch and the girl was standing up putting something together and she started talking to me and smiling at me like nothing had happened. There a really odd couple.

This weekend, i've been really worried about having this baby. I don't feel ready physically, although emotionally i can't wait. I still feel like there is so much left to do and so much to get, its really overwhelming. I know it doesn't help me always stressing, but i have five weeks left till my little boy is here, and i want nothing more then him to come into a perfect world where he is overloved and way to spoiled. The overloved part--totally taken care of, the other part? I mean yeah he is spoiled, but he doesnt even have a nursery or toys or anything yet. He has tons of clothes!!! some bottles, some diapers and wipes, a bottle of lotion and body wash, a hand me down bath tub and bassinet.. and my mom is ordering the stroller and car seat soon. But other then that, not much else. Not even towls, some blankets !!

Its just scaring me. I want so much for him, but we're having trouble just getting our place. I've had a lot of other thoughts dealing with love and family and marriage lately, and relationships but that one is nothing new.
And all of these will be talked about a little later.

Oh and that quote--completely unreal!!! I mean, i have a mixed child and yeah people give us looks, last night when me and my boyfriend went to ihop we actually had a black couple next to us that stopped eating when we sat down, got there check early and left. They didnt even say one word once we sat down. And some people behind us stared down my boyfriend. But see, thats nothing new to us. The people that do know us, love us to death and couldnt want this baby any more. It kind of bothered my boyfriend even though he said he likes pissing people off i could tell that it made him mad, and i could only imagine that he thought about the looks his boy would get. But just like he was raised, were raising him to never be ashamed of who he is, and he will do just fine. It bothers me a little too, but you cant change the world, just accept it and move on.

Mixed Children.

Richard Nixon: “There are times when abortions are necessary, I know that, you know that’s when you have a black and a white.”

I just found this quote on someone's blog. That really pisses me off, especially since i couldn't love my mixed child more, and i haven't even had him yet. I will be writing on this tomorrow. I just didn't want to lose the quote, since i have a lot to say on this!! >:(

Punch Out

That is a game i want for my Wii. My brother came into town last night and he brought his Wii for me to have. But that isn't the only reason for my title. Last night i spent the night with my boyfriend, and today while he was bathing for work i heard his two roommates getting into it. She came home from work and I'm not sure on who went off on who, but he ending up storming out of the apartment and taking the car. Me and my boyfriend both agree that although it is amazing that they are trying to stay together for the two kids that they have, but also that she could do so much better without him. She loves him so much and she has such an addiction for him, but in the end he doesn't feel the same. I think he loves her in a 'that's my baby mama' way, but in the end he doesn't want to settle down and have a family. That is why he is still cheating on her, even though they have two kids together and have been together for over 2 years and she even stuck it out when he was in jail. I feel really bad for her, especially since every time they fight he wants to hit her, and he even tells her that. I know what it is like to think you love someone but they abuse you not only emotionally but also physically. And once they have worn you down mentally, they can do whatever they want, in the end you will still think you love them and think that everything is your fault. But, just like me, one day she will get tired of it all and one of them is going to really get hurt. I would hope that it would be sooner then later just to help both of them out, but i hope its not so soon that we are still staying there, cause that's not something that we need to witness. They brake up a lot, but next time it needs to be for good. I love them both to death, but in the end they want different things and neither of them will change what they want for the other one. Neither should they have too, they just need to accept it and move on.

The worse thing is what the kids go through. They sit there and fight right in front of them [the kids are almost three and about 8 months old] and then once the fight is over they talk shit about each other right in front of the kids. If they were really concerned about the kids and not themselves, then they would think better then to do that. I don't care how bad a fight gets, and i don't care how much you may hate them at that moment, in the end no kid deserves to hear that there mom or dad is an asshole, slut, fucking a bunch of women, etc. Every kid deserves to have a mom and dad that loves them, whether the mom and dad are together or apart.

But it makes me wonder, what is the best policy when it comes to a relationship like that? In mine, honesty is the best policy. Cause if either me or my boyfriend tell a lie[whether it is a white lie or worse] the other one can tell, and in the end that makes things then times worse between us. I should know, a white lie really hurt me, and i know him so well i could tell he was hiding something. But maybe, just maybe, when it comes to a relationship where the two people hurt each other over and over, is honesty the best policy? Maybe some small things should just stay hidden, to avoid another fight, to avoid more pain on the inside, to have just one more night of peace. But even in these relationships, the other one must know that that person is hiding something, so when it comes down to it, do you think they would be willing to just let it slide? To pretend that nothing is going on because you care for that person so much, that you don't want to hurt anymore for them. You don't wanna fight with them, you just want that night of peace. And if you both do this, where is the lie between a white lie and a just plain old lie? Would the person who is hiding things learn the difference? Or because they are getting away with white lies do you think they could get away with plain old lies. Or, in a relationship were this occurs, should the two people even be together?

I don't believe in fate. I believe that maybe sometimes things happen for a reason, but not always. I believe that two people are not meant to be by something greater then us, but that we choose whether or not we want to be together. We choose whether we want to be loyal to this person, whether we want to last forever. If you fuck up a relationship, it is your fault, you did it knowingly, and it shouldn't be forgiven. In the end though, we love each other so much that we learn to take the hurt, lock it up, and forgive that person. I believe in miracles but not curses. I don't believe that God made for all this hurt to be in our world, but that we made this hurt ourselves. Lastly, i believe that God looks down on us and frowns because of what we have become. I have to admit, i think i would too.

Magical Support.

Today i went to Motherhood and bought a back/tummy support, and as soon as i put it on i swear i felt like i got 20 pounds lighter. This weekend, even though it is the fourth of july weekend, i plan on getting a lot together. I really need to get my website up, and i have plenty of people i am passing out Avon books/flyers/cards too. Thank god for my friends, who are finding people to tell about me selling Avon.

For the fourth of July, me boyfriend works 9-1. So imma just rest and get all dressed up until then. After he gets off, he will go home and shower, then we are going to my grandfathers for a BBQ. [my mom is actually going to my hometown of Boone, NC for the weekend. I was going to go, but the drive is too long for me to survive now. I do miss that town though. Even though we moved away when i was two, so really i just remember it from visits back up there.] Then we are going to my boyfriends moms for more BBQ. Then we are going to see transformers, and then lastly we are going downtown to the leevee to see the big fireworks show.

Last July 4th was very different. Me and my boyfriend[we've been dating since feb. 2008] and my friends [who were dating at the time] all went to the leevee to watch fireworks. Then we went to a hotel that me and my boyfriend rented and drank and played uno and just goofed off. then my two friends went to there hotel [right next to ours] and they spent the night together and so did we. Our hotel was nicer though, cause we had a mini fridge and a sofa with a pull out couch in ours. Then the next day my boyfriend worked, so me and my two other friends goofed off then that night we all four drank again and my friends spent the night on our pull out couch and it was just a lot of fun.

My boyfriends room mate kicked him out not too long after we started dating. Because of our age difference he didn't approve, and his girlfriend at the time was rude and wanted him out. Funny, no one thought we were gonna last when we started dating. But we did. We got very strong relationship built, very fast. I was his first white girl, but he definitely wasn't my first black guy. Anyways, since he was kicked out we hustled all the time just to get some extra money for hotels on the weekends. during the weeks, he would stay with a guy that we used to work with [i met him at my job, and actually at the time them two were still working together until they demoted my boyfriend--for no reason except racism--and so them two found a new job and quit the old one] but on the weekends we would rent hotels and it'd be just me and him. Fun times really. He'd get off of work, we'd go to the hotel, drink, party, play video games, etc. Sometimes if we couldn't find money we'd just stay with his friend and sleep on the floor in there extra bedroom. Eventually he permantely moved in with that friend and started paying half the bills. And there he is still, trying to save money so we can get on our own. Its funny to think about all we have been through, since that isn't even half of it. We are slowly getting better though, making a life together and growing up together, although he is really a lot more mature then me, so he has a lot to teach me. We can talk about anything. I tell him my problems that my friends are going through and he helps me understand everything a lot better, including the bigger picture. Of course, we did have a little drama about him lying to me about a month ago. It hurt a lot, since he was the one person in my life who i have always relyed on to NEVER lie to me, so it was also really hard to trust him again. In fact, i am slowly learning to trust him again. But in the end, i did understand why he did it. It wasn't a big lie, but again, that is a whole different story for another time. Now i am just focusing on the good. The happy. Which is way more then 1/2 of our relationship.

I think the reason we work so well is because we are friends more then anything. Like we talk about anything and everything, we goof off and talk shit to each other and tickle and wrestle around [not too much since ive been pregnant] and just have fun. But we also have that part of our relationship where we are lovers, romantic together and that cute little couple. ITs a good balance we have, and i wouldn't trade it for the world.

And i remember when i told him i was pregnant. It was the day after thanksgiving, and the night before we were actually smokin and drinkin a little at his mamas, and i remember all of a sudden [i was outside and standing] i got really hot and dizzy. I honestly thought i was going to through up. My period was late, so i took a pregnancy test at his house that night and the next morning i had work. But apparently he saw the test wrapper in the garbage can, cause before i left the next morning he asked me what the results were. I told him it was positive, and he smiled and said 'Really?' he was so happy he gave me a huge kiss and told me not to work to hard and be really careful and don't lift anything heavy or do any cleaning i usually do. [at that time i had a job were i worked days so i got extra bored and just cleaned the entire place from top to bottom. helped me get a raise too!] That night he held me in his arms and we thought of names and everything. he even already had made a list of things we'll need to get for him/her haha. We didn't even have a bed for him at that point, but he worked extra hours just to get a inflatable mattress so i wouldn't lose the baby and my back wouldn't hurt.

We really have come up from having nothing. But it is all worth it. Money doesn't mean a thing to me, but happiness on the other hand? That means the world to me. Just now we really need more money to get by, like everyone else in todays world.

I have just really started to thank god for my family and friends, and all there support to help out me and my boyfriend. I am not just a pregnant teenager in an interracial relationship, although when people look at me in public places that's all they see. I am a girl with people who would back me up through anything. I am a girl who can party with my friends one month and have a baby shower with them the next. I am a girl with a family who learns to accept the facts and makes the very best of things. I am a girl with a boyfriend who isn't leaving during the rough times, but instead making them just as fun as the easy times. I am a girl with ambitions out of my wa-zoo[hehe] and unlike most people will actually do them. I am a girl who has found methods of staying at home[so i can be with my baby 24/7] and still make good money. I am a girl who can make people laugh no matter who they are.

But mostly, I am a girl who has been through a lot, and isn't trying to do anything but move on and move up from it. I am a girl who is strong, and isn't ever going to get weak.

Lemonade.

Gave me heartburn today. How fair is that? Its one of the few ways i can really drink tons of water (Which you need plenty of in Baton Rouge since its so hot!) and now it is giving me heartburn. This isn't like the 'I ate too much chili' heartburn, this is the 'I feel like I'm having a heart attack' heartburn. And of course you can only take certain medicines when you are pregnant, none of which work as good as the ones you can't take.

I really feel like i have so much to do in the following weeks. I still have to call WIC and the pediatrician i want my baby to go to. I still have to try and get more AVON clients and finish my online high school courses and start my online medical transcriptionist courses. And don't forget that i really need to start working on my website and get it advertised soon. And there are so many things we still need for my baby, and even though we have tons of clothes i still have to wash them all. I definitely need to pack my hospital bags soon. Me and my boyfriend really need to get our apartment together(since we are still living in separate places because we haven't gotten the money saved to live on our own). It is so hard for us to get money saved though, because I am only doing little at home things to raise money and he is working, but he also lives in an apt. with some friends so he has to help them pay bills. I'm really doing my best to do anything i can to get some money together, but something always comes up to were it seems to all go away. I even had a huge garage sale and sold like a bunch of my prepregnant clothes and stuff from my room that wasn't a necessity. we're really relying on my baby shower for some stuff we need,although i know we won't get everything. As of today i am 34 weeks, and on the 12 i will be 8 months.

I know i have a lot to do, but it is so hard for me. I can sleep for 12 hours, and wake up and feel like i have been up running a marathon for the past week. Plus lying down is easy, but walking is really getting difficult for me. Tomorrow i am going to MATERNITY to buy myself one of those back supports, i am hoping that will make being up and running around town a lot easier for me. I have also been trying to like when i get up actually get dressed up cute and do my hair and makeup like i ALWAYS used to do, cause if i take time to make myself feel pretty and human again I'm more likely to want to go out no matter how HOT it is. At my last doctors appointment i was 191. Can you believe it? That's insane for me, considering that I've never been over 150 before in my life! I've never wore anything bigger then a size 8 (or a M). And now here i am, 191 pounds and i can't even fit into Maternity sized M clothes. Its kind of sad, i mean i don't regret it though. I do look good for my pregnant size, and i LOVE my tummy. I just think all this weight and hormones and seeing my size on a scale plus stretch marks doesn't really add up to well. The weird thing is i actually haven't ever loved my body as much as i have while i was pregnant. Before this, i had always tried so hard to be so thin, so my size was never good enough for me. People never called me fat, it was just me being a teenage girl. But now, looking in the mirror when i step out of the shower isn't a horror show. Maybe its just cause i focus on my tummy and rub it and think of my baby. Either way, my body finally makes me happy. My family and friends and boyfriend really help me out too. MY boyfriend still calls me pretty and sexy, he still always holds my hand in public, and he even shows everyone he knows my tummy and goes "look how cute my tummy is, isn't it coming along great" like it is actually his tummy or something. He rubs it when we're laying down together too, and talks to it and "beats it up" (which includes him just tapping his finger on my tummy whenever baby kicks him. What can i say? Baby just gets excited to hear his daddy's voice, so he kicks a lot, and if my boyfriend has his ear to my tummy, cause he loves hearing the noises and such, he gets kicked). And my friends love looking at my tummy and they make me lift my shirt and think my stretch marks are cute? Same with my family. My cousin called them cute cause they make like a circle around my belly button, there only on the lower part of my tummy. I guess they are kind of cute, but the ones on my back aren't, and neither are the varicose veins in my thighs.

In the end though, its all worth it. Another delima i have been having is circumcision(sorry i can't spell it) it seems that no one can really give me a straight opinion on it, including my boyfriend. I've heard it doesn't have medical purposes, and yet I've also heard that it does have medical purposes. I have heard my boyfriend say he does want it done on our baby, and also that he doesn't care. Well, i guess we better figure out soon, since medicaid doesn't cover it. I'm just really nervous cause that's one more think you have to help heal on top of the umbilical cord. As if i am not nervous enough about taking care of a newborn with his head all soft and him not being able to lift his head (especially our baby, the ultrasound lady told us he had a big head, which i knew would happen cause i have one). I don't know, i guess i will just have to talk to him about it.

Soon we will be putting my car in the shop to fix it from the wreck. [ I got in a wreck a while back, i was stopped at a red light and someone behind me just slammed into me. We had to go to the hospital immediately, and thank god everything with the baby was okay. I was nervous for a few days though, cause i kept having stomach pains and back pains. It was just me being sore. ] I don't know what we'll do then. I honestly need my car so bad! I have to use it at least everyday to get my boyfriend, bring him to work, and to pick him up when he gets off and bring him home. [He doesn't have a car, so we share one. His roommates are such asses about helping us out too. But i won't start on them, there asses about everything, and i really hate them. So continuing on.]

Well, speaking of which i need to go pack my bag since i am spending the night with him tonight when he gets off [he works as a chef in a yummy restaurant] so I guess for now thats all i have to write. Although i feel like i could go on typing forever, i guess tomorrow i will have to start typing sooner!

Hey.

I guess that lately i have finally had the time to just slow down and really think about my life. Not only sorting out my past, but also planning out my future. That is why i got this blog, since i really don't know who i can talk to that would really want to spend the time helping me out, much less I really feel this is something i have to do on my own. My 18th birthday is soon, and so is my due date. It was never something i planned, but now that my baby boy is almost here, i really can't wait. I wonder sometimes if i can handle it, i have all these plans i wanna do, but who says i can really do them? I have been so bad at accomplishing my plans and goals, it seems that something bad always distracts me. I am still so young, so i still get so easily distracted, but now i have more then just me to think about, i have my child as well. I would tell my friends about all this, but none of them can even begin to imagine what really goes on when your pregnant and about to be a mom, lord knows i thought it would be a lot easier then it is. And i know that it is only going to get harder. I'd talk to my boyfriend, but he is a lot older then me (almost 26) so he has already been through what i am going through (the whole growing up thing) so it is a lot easier for him to be a dad. Plus, i know that if i really talk to him about my past, he'll never really be able to understand how it feels, not that i would ever want him to be able to. I know he has had a rough past too, and that is why i respect him and love him so much, but our past our very different, and as alike as we are, we are as equally different. Not only in the way we think and act, but also the way we live and are in general. I guess this alike/different combo is actually what makes us so good together. And i definitely couldn't talk to my family, since none of them even begins to know what has really happened in my past. Which is sad, cause your family is the one set of people you should always be able to count on.

So i rely on this journal, to let go of all these thoughts and memories, to not only help me sort out things that are in my present, but to also sort out things that have happened in the past.