Tuesday, September 15


its hard to update this with a newborn, but then again i really could use it. My baby will be a month old this thursday, its amazing how fast the time goes. My relationship with my boyfriend has been very rocky, but slowely we are starting to try and fix things. Its mostly me having issues with him, but i know that he has some with me too. But we wont give up, we dont want to. we love each other too much, and the issues are not major at all. Its rough on the days he has to worrk, seems like we never even see each other. then i am at home all day and night and it just drives me crazy. but on his off days, when its the three of us together all day and night for two days, its so much fun. hell play with the baby all day and ill just giggle and laugh cause of them two together. my baby is so sweet. he is finally getting on a schedule. he has been lifting his head a lot and is finally starting to roll on his side! the faces he makes are so funny, and he has the absolute sweetest face that i have ever seen. i poured my eyes out when i first saw him, and holding him i just wanted to cry more. the 15 hours of labor and ceasection were completely worth it. it was rough at first when we brought him home, especially since i was trying to recooperate and my boyfriend was working, helping me and helping the baby. but we had a lot of family to come over and help us out a lot, and over time its getting easier. i still cant believe a month has passed.
i wrote this long letter to my boyfriend just venting and it wasnt meant for him to read, but he read it anyways and so we actually started talking last night about it all (it was everything that bothers me with our relationship, so im kind of glad he did read it. it is why we are now working on our relationship)i just wrote this letter to my boyfriend, and i mean every word of it:Dear baby,
Well you read my letter to you, not like it was really meant for you to read. You said that you were going to start listening, but I really cant trust that. I really don’t know how I am supposed to learn to talk to you when in the end I am so used to you just beating me down for how I feel. This could be a tough one, since I cant last forever just writing in here and hoping the problems go away. I do love you though, and as much as I think about it sometimes, I couldn’t ever leave you. Sometimes I just get so frustrated that I just want to give up, but in the end I don’t. I just don’t know what to do anymore when it comes to things that bother me, so I just feel like if we cant fix this then whats the point in staying together? But on your days off, when you don’t have work and its just the three of us for to days, and all three of us are up here and we are playing with him, those are the moments I would kill for all the time. I know you have to work and I know eventually im going to have to get a job, but those days, are the days I look forward to every week. We have a good family together. And I don’t want us to fail, I want us to work. I just don’t know what to do about anything. But I also want things that bother me to get better, and things that bother you to get better. We shouldn’t have to sacrifice those things just for two good days out of the week. And I do wanna get married. Hell I could go down to the courthouse downtown tomorrow and marry you. I love spontaneous stuff like that. If you woke me up tomorrow, and told me to get dressed up cause we’re running away to get married, I would. I think it would be so romantic. Just wake me up one day when we have extra money when your off for your two days, and tel me to pack cause the three of us are going to Biloxi and we’re gonna get married at the courthouse there then stay at the beach for the weekend. Just to get away, we could just go there, get married, walk along the beach at sunset for a little while then stay in the hotel just relaxing all weekend, getting away from the world. Turn our phones off for those two days and forget about the world. Then when we get home tell everyone. Yeah, sure having a wedding all planned is sweet and all, but I wouldn’t mind something spontaneous and crazy either. I mean, later on we could plan a big fancy wedding and just renew our vows. Why not be crazy, why not? We don’t have to go to Biloxi, I just said go there cause its close. We could go anywere you wanted to. Oh maybe Memphis!!! There is so much for free that I would love to do with little man and you, so much I would love to show you guys that you guys would love. Or NYC if we had a lot of extra money. Lets start doing that, when I get a job, part of my checks are going into savings so one weekend when your off you can just wake me up and tell us that today lets go somewere, and we will pick a city and go there. We can hang a map of the united states up and just pick cities and mark them off as we go there. We will get maps and postcards and pictures at all of them. See that’s whats really wrong with me. Ever since I was little I have traveld. I cant stand things being the same. I thought having a family meant things have to be, and that is what has scared me. I didn’t think I could handle the same home and same people all the time, and the romance and spontaneous-ness and sweetness and craziness leaving the relationship. But who says it has to? I am so used to moving and traveling that hell I even switched high schools cause baton rouge high was getting boring to me. I have always traveled, I need to to stay normal. And Id love to show you all the places that I have seen. So lets start small, start saving and going to places nearby, then we will get farther out. Or we could close our eyes and pick places. We can look up sights to see all over the country, and just go see it all. As little man gets older, we can even let him pick the places. And we can get a huge wishlist of places that we want to see, and the sights that we wanna see. And we could take a train there sometimes, and rent a car and drive sometimes (our car is too old to take places out of baton rouge) and maybe fly (I hate flying though) And in one of those places, we can get married randomly just because we feel like it. Some weekends we can leave him at one of our parents, but most weekends I want to bring him, especially when he gets older to appreciate the places. Lets do it, one weekend soon, lets go somewere and just get away. We can even just start by going somewere in Louisiana. Hell we could even just go stay at a nice ass hotel here in baton rouge, just to hide somewere for the weekend. We can go to the courthouse downtown and get married, maybe go see a show there playing at the place we went and saw wrestling. J And with time, we can learn to talk more, and fix all the little kinks in our relationship, but what we all could use is a vacation. And we’d only need a babysitter Sunday and Monday, if we decide to leave him on our trip, cause we only need to stay at those places your off days so that you wont get your schedule messed up.

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