Sunday, August 16

The big day.

Tomorrow is the big day, which begins at 4 am for us. That is the odd time that we have to be at the hospital. Crazy right? I know. Anyhow, i guess now that it is getting so close i am getting really nervous. I mean, the thought that i could go into labor at anytime was easier to accept because you can't plan for it, you don't have any idea when it is going to happen so i could just block the thoughts out of my head. But since i am being induced its like a countdown to when i am going to start being in pain, and that scares me. I guess i have gotten really nervous that something bad will either happen to me or the baby, and i dont think i could live if something happened to the baby. And i guess that now more then ever, i really need to know that there is something more then just this life and just this world before tomorrow morning.

I guess that i took just a little to long to really try and figure out about god, but i guess that is something that will comfort me tomorrow morning in the hospital. I am just so terrified of giving birth, although i can not wait to hold my baby in my arms. I am scared that they will end up doing a ceasection, and if they do then i dont even get to hold my baby right away. Now that is something i definitely can not live with. IT will drive me insane if they do that, because i don't want anyone holding my child before i get to. I will tell them, in fact, that if they decide to do a ceasection that baby is too be kept in secret until i get my time with him, because i want to be the first to hold him and greet him into this world. I want my time with just me and him, with no one else around to just be left alone and to have some time to just hold him and comfort him and bond with him. I want to be the first person that he sees and loves in this world.

I think that after 9 months, i should at least get that, right?

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