Sunday, August 30


I have had a rough couple of weeks. on the 17 at 4 am i was induced to have my baby, and after 15 hours of labor i had a c-section cause i had only dialated 1 cm. then on the 27 i went to the emergency room with him because we thought he was having seizures. he just got out yesterday, and its been forever since i have found time to be on the computer since i am either sleeping or taking care of him. me and my boyfriend have been taking shifts, and i open my computer to find porn playing on it how convinent to find time for that, but not time to spend withme?

I feel so alone all of a sudden, and even more alone now that i saw porn playing on my computer. Could i feel my relationship going down the drain any quicker? I have been holding back tears for weeks but now i am not so sure i can. I just feel like everything is too much. I love this baby, and i love my boyfriend, and i thought just a couple more weeks then we could send the baby to one of ourr parents for a night (since he'd be old enough to, i dont wanna when he is really young) and we can get our relationship back on track. but now i dont think its that easy. I dont know how to balance my life.

I was gonna right about the baby, how well things are going, how although we have no idea what we are doing that we love the baby and hey thats all that matters, if you love someone you can raise a good child. boy was i wrong.

i hope that no one stops by the apartment today, cause since my boyfriend went to sleep in the back i just want to cry. I thought everything was going so well, but you really cant have it all. I gave up my friends and got closer to my family when i had this baby. i neever get out of the house, barely shower, and never talk to my boyfriend. he goes to work at night, comes home, i go to sleep while he takes care of the baby, then he wakes me up in the morning so he can sleep and i can go take care of the baby. I know we have been distant, but isnt that part of the dela? hell i even stayed in the hospital alone so that he could go home and get some rest. I didnt cry once, i took care of the baby on my own without sleep and without stress(somehow) and i come home to open my computer and find porn playing.

It makes me wonder if he really is ready for this whole daddy thing. Or if im ready for this whole mommy thing. I thought things were getting better, but now i feel like i have been lying to myself this whole time.

Have to go, will type more eventually, baby is crying.

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