Friday, August 14


Don't you think it would be hard to be in love and be immortal? I mean, think about it, once the person that you fell in love with dies, you must miss them constantly. I mean, just think to miss the one that you are in love with forver. I just think that idea is so sad.

I am being induced on Monday morning, around 3-4am. Joy? I am very excited about having my baby in my arms, but i am terrified about actually giving birth. I mean, knowing it can happen at any time makes it easier cause you don't know when it will happen, but knowing when it is going to happen is just like a countdown to pain. Of course, it is nice to know how much time i have left to get everything ready, not like i reall have much left to do. I mean, its mostly just stuff that doesn't matter that i want to get done before my baby gets here. I am so nervous about having him and taking care of him, but at the same time i am really excited.

My boyfriend has seemed to be very fussy with me lately. I just think the thought of him actually being a dad in a couple of days is scaring him a little, but that doesnt mean he can be an ass to me. I mean, its just like he constantly has something mean to say to me and even on my birthday he pissed me off. Half of the time i can't do shit about what he gets mad over, although i guess he just loves to blame me. [like the situation with his mom, he got mad cause we didnt have money to buy her food, as if i put him in that situation? He needs to learn to quit blaming me when it comes to things that has to do with her, and realize that its his mom doing this and that she is far from being a saint.]

I hope this fussiness is temporary, because i don't know if its permanent if i can live with him forever. I know having a baby changes everything, but does moving in together change it too? Maybe we are just moving too fast, and getting in way over our heads. I mean he still makes me so happy, but when it comes to serious things then we just get to fussing. Even over really dumb things we do. Then hes says his side, i get all mad then ten minutes later hes like "are you still mad over that?" well yeah i am, because he gets his opinion out and then says that he doesnt want to talk about it, so i never even get a word in. Then he will either apologize so i wont stress out the baby, or he will just expect me to get over it. I dont like that we fuss, since the baby can hear us and sense the stress in our voices. I dont know.

Also lately i have gotten this terrible rash all over my body that itches like crazy. The doctor gave me a cream, but it really doesnt help. Before i got the cream i was just putting gold bond on it and every night i would try to sleep i would have to have a fan on whatever itches. Like i would lay on one side and air off the back of my legs, go to sleep for like an hour, then have to roll over (which would be incredibly hard with my tumy being so big and my body being so stiff and my legs hurting from the way i had to lay) to air off my stomach. One night i woke up itching my leg in my sleep, and it started stinging. The fan didnt work, so i went and took a shower. (cold showers are the only other cure to make the itching better) but at first i had to take a warm shower from shivering so much cause of the fan, then i put cold water on it and it still was stinging. I got out and tried to put it under the fan again, but it stung. So i put a soft sheet over it and it stung. It was just anything i did it still stung like crazy. I couldnt do anything but just cry. My boyfriend woke up and i got a big towl and wet it and wrapped up my leg and it got better. then i laid down by him with the towel still on, and he held me to help me settle down. I told him how much it hurt and how i just wanted it to stop, from the itching to the stinging, and he said he knows he hates seeing me uncomfortable and just to try and go to sleep.

That is why i love him, all those little moments when he does exactly what i need someone to do. (: HE held me until i went to sleep.

Lets just hope things get better and stay that way, especially with the whole money thing. We are kind of short right now :( We finally got food in our apt. since my dad took me shopping for like 100$ worth of groceries. It took my mom coming over to see my place and looking into our empty kitchen in order for us to accept there help. [and my boyfriend worries because his mom doesnt have any food. wtf?]

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