Tuesday, August 11


So i haven't been typing the entries up in my word processor, but instead have been making little notes on subjects that i want to write about, so i guess i better get started (because there is a long list filled with many emotions and questions).

Well first (this isn't on my list? but just really annoys me) off, i am completely tired of my boyfriends mother. She is constantly expecting help from me and my boyfriend, and we really can't help her at all. She got in this wreck and then sued the guy and then quit her job and is expecting the settlement money to help her out, but the settlement is taking forever(as they usually do!)and so until then she expects everyone to just help take care of her. She has three kids with her and is going to quit her job in this economy? Then she asked my boyfriend if we could buy her kids some new shoes for school, or some groceries for her apt. I am sorry that they don't have food, but me and my boyfriend don't have any money to spare anytime soon. Especially since we have a baby on the way and are living off just one income that isn't a lot. And the last time i looked, we are living off of can goods and breakfast food until friday when he gets paid. And i know he gets mad cause he can't help her, but really its not our responsibility. I mean this women has a college degree so why no job? I don't care if you hate what your degree is in, if it came down to it i'm gonna do whatever i have to in order to take care of my family, even my boyfriend does. He HATES his job but would never quit because A) It pays the bills B) its reliable C)who knows when he could ever find another one? She's extrememly immature in my eyes since she has ALWAYS had people helping her out so i guess she just expects her own son too? But really, we aren't rich. In fact, we are doing JUST as bad as her, and the last time i looked we don't have 50,000 coming to us ANYTIME soon. And also, she doesn't even plan on giving us any? And she hasn't even bought her grand baby one thing? Whatever.

Okay, woah, i am so glad i got that off my chest! Next subject: OUR FUTURE. I have been working my butt off on trying to find grants/scholarships for me and my boyfriend. I should have TOPS(program in LA that pays high school students to go to college in LA) but my boyfriend won't so i am especially trying to find some for him, because he really wants to go to barber school and if we can get him in, he would graduate before i would even be close to it. The only problem is i really don't even know were to begin when it comes to finding grants, but i just know that him graduating from school could help us out so so much, plus it would make him so much happier. He loves cooking, but working in a restaurant is killing him because doing what you love for money and not under your own rules would make anyone hate what they love. Am i right?

Another happy subject, my 18 birthday was sunday! My boyfriend BBq'd for my family and my best friend and it was just a really good day! Plus i used my ID to buy my boyfriend a pack of cigarettes. It was funny cause the lady in the gas station (we go to it all the time, well my boyfriend does it was my first time in there) was like those better not be for you! And i told her no they were for my boyfriend. and so today when he walked to the gas station she fussed at him for sending me in to buy them haha! Of course, my boyfriends mom calling and asking for money really ruined the happy mood cause it made me get mad at isaac cause he was like "Why do you always make me the bad guy" and all i could think was maybe if your mom would quit expecting us to take care of her then you wouldnt be. Its not my fault we dont have money? I mean, really, what the fuck does she expect from us? And she makes him feel so guilty! Its ridiculus. Ive really grown to hate her, which sucks cause at first i really liked her. :(

Other then fussing over that, living with my boyfriend has rocked. Its so amazing to be able to walk to the kitchen anytime i want and not have to worry about his old room mates or anything. And its amazing to shower when i want and do whatever i want. Its so nice to have a closet full of clothes instead of a purse, and to have all of our stuff and the babys stuff all settled into one place we can both call home. We have fussed a little, but things have just been stressful getting it all together. At the end of the night, we go to sleep kissing and cuddling. Of course, i hope that the fussing goes away soon now that we have most of our business taken care of, but we will have to see.

Tomorrow is my due date, and my baby boy still has not come! Tomorrow morning i have to go to a car seat inspection station in the morning, and then to the hospital to sign papers to donate my babys cord blood then to the food stamp office. Thursday morning the cable people are supposed to be turning on our cable, and then at 2:30 i have an ultrasound to see how big my baby is then after that we have a doctors appointment to see what all we are going to do about getting my baby boy in this world. I am really excited! And honestly, i don't know how much i can wait...not only am i really excited i am also extremely miserable. My stretch marks have gotten these itchy bumps all over them, and its so bad that i scratch them in my sleep then wake up with a sore belly. Also, the bumps have gone to my arms and all over my legs. Its so uncomfortable, i have to sleep with a fan blowing right on me and even then i toss and turn all night cause i have to put the fan on my belly a little while, then i roll over and face the other way and let it blow on my legs cause i dont want my baby to get really cold (when i roll over i put a comforter on my belly) and cause by then my legs are driving me crazy and this just repeats over and over. Plus the whole time my arms are itching cause the bumps on them are in such a weird place theres no way i could get a fan on them. Then sleeping on my side all night (I cant sleep on my back cause i get to short of breath and cause it makes the back of my legs itch too bad) makes me legs cramp up and get all stiff and hurt like hell.

So, as you can tell, i am just miserable. :( And i want my baby boy! Cause i am constantly worrying that something is wrong with him.

Lastly, you know that one subject in your relationship is just too awkward to talk about? How long should you wait before really sitting down and talking about it? And how to you express your feelings on it without offending the one you love? For me, this awkward subject is my boyfriends mom. Its like, we constantly get in fusses over her but never seem to be able to talk about it. In fact, besides my boyfriend getting made at the cable company (and me thinking he was mad at me), that is the real reason we have been fussing so much. I mean i am sorry, i just have to take care of my own family before i take care of hers. And i mean, i don't owe her shit she hasn't done a thing for us and my parents have done tons! and yet, what do they expect from me? Nothing. Why? Cause thats why we have parents. Parents are made in this world to do as much as you can to help your child and to always expect nothing in return. Yet, his mother acts like we owe her the world? I'm sorry, but if at 18 i can take care of my family and get ready for my child, then what is keeping her from doing it? She can't say a man, cause lord knows she has plenty of men always coming over.

I just feel like i don't know how to talk to my boyfriend about this without making him mad that i'm like offending his mom, but this isn't going to go away and it isn't going to get better. So how am i supposed to make it better? He has to realize that he doesn't have to take care of her, that it isn't his job. That she is a grown woman and it isn't his job to baby her, she needs to learn to grow up. Cause the lord only knows that i have these past 9 months. And if she wasn't ready or prepared to take care of a family and all of her kids, then she should have kept her legs closed, or gotten better birth control.

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