Friday, July 10

Beach Weekend.

I am leaving for the beach tomorrow, thank god. Yesterday was a lot of fun, but kind of ended bad. I went to campus to eat lunch with my mom and meet my friend to give her avon catalogs. Then i took a nap at my boyfriends, then i brought him to work and met at a restaurant for dinner with my two good friends who i haven't seen in ages. Then after we went to one of there boyfriends house to play video games, but it got bad once they decided to go clubbing. I don't know why, but i started crying on the way home, and i couldn't stop. All i could think is that i should be with them. Like when i first got pregnant they were still in school or under age, so they never did a lot of fun stuff. But now, its summer and im missing out on all the fun. I mean i missed graduation, i missed senior prom, i missed my whole senior year, but this just topped it off. I mean its not like i was mad at them, i was just sad that i missed it. I love this baby and the family that me and my boyfriend are putting together, but i guess now its really hitting me on what i am missing. I tried telling my boyfriend that night, and i didnt even get once sentence out before he was like "Oh i thought it was important." Hes older, he's had his time to have all the fun that he has wanted, i haven't. I didnt even try to talk to him about it, which really sucked cause i just wanted him to hold me so i could just cry and talk to him and let it all out. And i could've really used him to just try and pretend to understand, even though i know there's no way he can understand all i feel right now. Then today he slept all day and after i dropped my car off in the shop for repair i couldn't go back to sleep so i just drove in my temp. car around town to clear my mind and relax. When i got back he asked where i was and i told him i was just driving. He asked what was wrong i said nothing and he says "Idk whats wrong with you but you have no reason to be upset" that really pissed me off. He has no right to tell me what i feel or think, especially when he has no clue what i am going through. He asked if i was gonna tell him what was wrong and i said "No, cause acccording to you i have no reason to be upset. why the hell would i try to talk to you if you wont even try to understand and just be a jerk about it." It was terrible, i just wanted him to be sweet and hold me, not piss me off.

Then on the way to the restaurant yesterday i stopped in the road cause this old lady was turning and was just turning really slow and i was behind her and like i looked in my review mirror and i see this idiot in this huge suv not even looking at what he is doing zooming right twords me, and then he looks forward and i see this terrified look in his face and he slams on his breaks and swerves a little to not hit me. It all happened in a slip second, but i saw all of it and i was just convinced he was going to hit me, just like that other truck did a couple of weeks ago. I was so terrified that i literally cant get those images out of my head anymore, and although i naturally just look behind me in my rear view mirror whenever i stop i really dont want to cause im always scared now a car will hit me, especially since people are idiots and stop at the last moment here.

I guess just lately seeing my friends have all that fun and be so carefree when my life is full of stress, then seeing my boyfriend not even be able to talk to him, and even he has ways he can relax that i cant, it just all seems to be too much. And it makes me feel really alone. Last night in my boyfriends bathroom i prayed to my grandmother who died when i was 1. She had kids early too, and i asked her why did she have to die, sicne she seems to be one of the few people that really can understand what i am going through right now. I don't know why, i tend to have a lot of anger towards her.

At least tomorrow i am going to the beach, and its gonna be just me and my mom. We're leaving saturday morning and coming back sunday afternoon, a short but much needed vacation. I am not thinking about anything this weekend, and i am even leaving my phone turned off since my boyfriend doesn't even have minutes on his phone. And tonight my boyfriend gets off early instead of having to close (so he'll get off at 9 something instead of 1 something) and i hope that we will talk and have a good night together before he leaves. I also hope he will go to bed at the same time as me so he can hold me, since lately he's been playing video games and doing the whole "just one more minute"b/s excuse and i end up falling asleep, alone, before he comes to bed. Which sucks considering that last night when i really needed him to hold me, he did that.

But, whatever. I am relaxed. At least i am trying to stay calm since i have dropped and i am so scared to go in labor soon considering that i am so close to getting my apartment. He just has to wait another two weeks!!! And then he can come anytime after that :/ i am just no so sure he will. Especially since lately i've been going through a lot of stress and emotional rollarcoasters and physically having to do a lot of things and i havent been getting any relaxtion or rest :( and he has been a lot more active lately, and putting me through a lot more sores and pains. Who knows when he will come, but lets just hope its not this weekend!!!

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