Saturday, July 25

Passion, Pregnancy and Baby Shower's

The three topics i want to talk about tonight.

Me and my boyfriend had sex for the first time in months the other night, only it wasn't sex. It was sensitive, it was passionate and caring, it was making love. He was very sweet about the whole thing, and just the way he kissed me so tenderly just showed me how much he loved me. You see those cliche love-making scenes in movies and you think "those never happen in real life" and well lets face it usually doesn't with a man who has raging hormones. I got lucky, and lets face it, it was way more amazing then i can imagine.

Then, the next night, he showed even more passion to me that i have never seen before. I was laying on my back in bed, and he came and laid down right beside me on his side facing me. He put on headphone on his ear, and another on the the bottom of my stomach by the baby's head. Then i held it there while he turned his ipod on a temptations song ("It was just my imagination") and put his hand right by mine, and he got right by my ear and sang the song to me really soft. The baby started kicking and wiggling, and all i could think is we may not have much, but man are we one cute family. My boyfriend sat there and rubbed his nose against my cheek and kept kissing my cheeks and nose and singing to me so soft and so sweet. It was so romantic, plus we ended up holding hands on my tummy while holding his ear phone on it and feeling the baby move. It was just one of those perfect movies that again you see in a movie and wish for in real life. Except, once again, i was lucky enough to have it. He kept singing songs in my ear softly or singing to the baby until i actually fell asleep. And when i woke up the next morning, there was his hand, still on my stomach on top of mine and that ear phone. There was his sweet face, right by mine. I moved a little and he automatically grabbed me around my waist real tight, kissed me on the cheek and wouldn't let me go. I just rolled and faced him, buried my face in his chest and went back to sleep.

Moments like those, are the ones that i love in my life.
I had my family baby shower today. It was incredible, especially seeing what everyone got me. People from my dads work all put money together and they bought me all this baby stuff and wrapped it together as a giant gift basket. There was a tub, clothes, diapers, wipes, bottles, pacifiers, toys, rubber ducky's, lotion, gas drops, everything! It was so incredible. But was really sad was after my shower my mom, my aunt, and my cousin were all just sitting around talking. They were all telling stories about parenting and when i was little, and my cousin told this story that i still can't get out of my head. My grandmother died when i was 13 months old, and for some reason i have always had this bond to her. My cousin said she remembers going to see my maw maw and then walking down the hospital hallway leaving, and how i just piddled past her real fast just walking down the hallway, and she remembers thinking that that would be the last time that we would see her. She said it was like she was leaving behind death and ahead of her was the start of a brand new life. Somehow i remember that, although I'm not sure how. I just remember walking down that hallway, and the way i felt sadness. My mom and aunt started crying since that was there mom that died, but i kind of wanted to also. My grandma taught me to work, and after she died my mother never once mentioned the word maw maw to me. Yet, once morning i woke up with pinch marks on my tummy, and when she asked me who did it i replied "maw maw did". Well, and how else would i know who she was unless she told me to. She is my guardian angel, and i swear its like this presence of hers still protects me. Sometimes i get mad at her, but its only because there are so many times i want her around, since my other grandma i was never close too, and there are so many times i want to be able to talk to her and get answers. Like now, since she was pregnant at 16 too and got married to my grandfather. They were so happy, up until the day that she died, and they were so in love. Just looking into his eyes you can still see it. I want to know how she made it work, especially since she did it at a very different time then me. I also think about how she died from lung cancer, at such a young age (40 something) and how i don't know what i would do if i lost my boyfriend so young. It scares me too, seeing not only the sadness in my grandfathers eyes but also in everyone who remembers her because she was such a good person. I don't know if i would be able to do it. That scares me. I don't want me or my family that we created going through that sadness that i have seen my family go through.

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