Wednesday, July 22

People Change.

I talked to an old friend the other day, a girl i haven't seen since i was in school and one i haven't talked to in so long. She told me about her and her boyfriend and how she asked him about some girl in his phone and he started throwing stuff and breaking stuff. Including the walls, which affected her because the apartment was in her name and she doesn't have money to pay for the repairs. She told me that she was almost three months pregnant and never sleeps and always stresses because of him. I felt so bad for her, and told her that when me and my baby get our place she can feel free to come over and stay anytime (since we applied for our apartment on Monday!! did i mention that already?). It just got me to thinking because she doesn't want to leave him but she really wants him to grow up and start calming down since they have a baby on the way. I could completely agree.

No one tells you what you will have to deal with when you are pregnant. No one told me that you turn into a horny-disgusting feeling-man-menopausal-hormonal-woman. Well, at least that is the best way i can describe being pregnant in a couple of words. You also change when you get pregnant, maybe not at first or all at once, but you go. Not only do you see the world differently, but you grow up a lot too. You also start to realize why your parents did all those things to you when you were littler that you hated! But men don't really change. Maybe they do once the baby comes, but they sure don't while your pregnant, which makes things very hard. There you are, growing up and maturing emotionally, and there just the same old man they were before. It puts a lot of strain on your relationship, which just makes you more worried about your relationship and future with them. Maybe its like the quote "Women become mothers when they get pregnant, men become fathers when they see there baby." Only instead, it says "Women grow up when they get pregnant, men grow up when they see there baby"

But, i guess that is kind of saying the same thing. I mean, after all, why else am i changing? Why else do i see things differently? Why else do i think and feel different about everything, and why are all of my priorities different? Not just because i am pregnant, but because i am becoming a mother. I am being patient with my boyfriend, because i see how happy and excited he is for this baby to come, it is just hard that sometimes he is less mature then me and he is 8 years older then me. But, i guess i just have to wait until the baby comes, and we will see what happens then.

I seem to still kind of be stuck in the middle of the old and new me. Like, on one hand, after i have this baby all i want to do is party (since ill be 18 soon) and work at a restaurant as a server and chill with my friends and work hard to not only get my baby stuff but also get me a whole new cute wardrobe and workout hard to get my baby back. But, on the other hand, i just want to stay at home and be with my baby and work from home to get him all $1,220 worth of stuff that i have on his registry and save money to make him an adorable nursery. It makes me wonder, is there a middle ground? I think it seems very difficult to find the middle ground, but it seems that i cant choose whether to be just the old or new me. I don't know if it is because all of my friends (and even my boyfriend-for now?) are with the old me, or if i am just not ready to be the new me. I want to be a good mother, but i still want to have my fun as a 18 year old too. Grant it, either way i don't want to go out EVERY weekend getting shit faced, but i do want to go to a club for one night (to dance with friends, not to drink). And i do want to have cute outfits and a place to wear them. Sure, i want to take my baby to the aquarium and zoo, but i also want to take days to just go to the mall and spend some cash on me and baby, not bills. I just wonder if maybe once the baby gets here if one of the Me's will take over, or if i will actually find the balance between the two.

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